She and I
by NoCapeNoCrown
Summary: Olivia leaves everything behind when she joins the CIA as a spy. The people in Olivia's life are left unsettled when she disappears. When she returns, can Alex help her rebuild her life? Olivia Benson centered, Alex Cabot, SVU cast, original characters.
1. Prologue

**Well here I go again! This is definitely a different story for me content wise, but I'm excited to see how it all unfolds. I am obviously not a spy nor do I speak French. (Not from lack of trying to learn or the many hours of French homework!) But, if you will indulge my Google translations and my imagination when it comes to actually being a spy this should all go pretty well ;) This is an Olivia centered story. Alex also plays a major role. The rest of the SVU cast will be written in as well as a few original characters. **

**As always, I appreciate your feedback and follows. They definitely inspire me to write, and your comments give me ideas and sometimes direction! **

**Let's get this thing started!**

**-M**

**She and I**

**Prologue**

I never had any intention of lying to you, to anyone. But lying, I guess comes with the territory. Doing this, being here, I never left to hurt you. If anything, it was to save you from me, and my feelings for you. My life has been fulfilled, but empty. Knowing you exist makes the emptiness inside me even harder because I know that I can't have you.

We have played a constant game of disappearing from each other's lives. With each of our disappearances, I found that my heart would ache for you. And even when I was with you, my heart ached for you. This is my confession.

The day before I left this time I came to see you. I wanted to kiss you, touch you in more intimate ways than just holding your hand, or in just an embrace, but alas I refrained as I have for years. The look in your eyes, the way you looked at me, is now what I hold next to my heart and is what has prompted this note. Again, I had no intentions of hurting you, but I had to tell you how I feel. Please forgive me for my confession and me leaving you, again. I hold you in my heart and while I'm gone my thoughts of you will keep me strong.

Love always,

Liv

Olivia pulled her hair back into a ponytail; she looked at herself once again in her bathroom mirror. Her makeup soft, her hair dyed dark, jeans, a grey sweater. One last look at her self though it was only to chastise herself for caring about how she looked. She knew her identity, the clothes she wore, all would be gone in a matter of hours.

Olivia looked around her empty apartment.

A medium sized boxed containing the life of Olivia Benson sat by the door along with her jacket.

Olivia had taped a note addressed to the top of the box. Her most personal belongings would be delivered to the addressed after she was long gone.

All done per instruction.

Olivia's phone rang startling her.

A bit on edge to say the least.

"Ms. Gray?"

A name she had repeated in her mind a million times in the last week.

"Yes?" Olivia replied.

"Your car is here, may I help you with anything from the apartment?"

"No, I have everything. Thank you."

Olivia took one last look around as the setting sun glared through the living room windows.

She pulled on her jacket, lifting the box in to her arms.

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

Central Intelligence Agency

New York City, New York

The room was cold, but she didn't expect warm and cozy.

"You can leave everything you have in here. Empty your pockets, jewelry, anything personal. You will find your new clothes and anything you may need on the table. Your first contact will be coming to meet you shortly. You will be flying to Paris this evening."

Short, to the point.

The door clicked shut.

The room was cold.

Olivia made her way to the sterile, stainless steel topped table.

Stacks of clothes, shoes, personal items, make-up… He was right anything she would need.

Olivia surveyed the clothes.

Black, grey, leather, cashmere… accessories, boots, heels, all designer labels. Even workout clothes and intimates were designer… expensive.

A flight to Paris.

Olivia chose a pair of black leggings and a black cashmere sweater knowing the flight would be long. Boots, a ridiculously expensive watch and scarf, even new underwear…

She took a deep breath and shed her own sweater, her jeans, for all that was laid out for her.

She dressed and then pulled her dark hair from the ponytail to a more sophisticated up do.

She swiped the Vuitton makeup bag and shadowed and lined her eyes dark, her lips still pale, she deepened the color of her cheeks.

Even her olive skin seemed to even transform.

This was not Olivia Benson.

She took a step back, looking at her face, her attire.

She walked back towards the table presenting her old clothes, Olivia's clothes in to a pile to be discarded.

"I see you found the clothes laid out for you."

She turned around, to see a different man standing before her.

One she had never met.

She studied him.

From now on she would study everyone that she came in to contact with.

He looked to be 6 feet tall, dark hair, well-dressed, blue tie that matched his eyes, expensive suit.

"Michael" he said extending his hand. "You must be Samantha?"

Olivia confidently shook his hand as she noted he seemed much softer than the man before him.

"Everything here is for your taking. Before you leave, everything will be packed and ready for you. Will you join me? I need to give you all of your information, passport, technology, cash, etc."

Olivia followed Michael in to a small adjoining office. Again sterile, again everything laid out perfectly on the table before her.

"Your Passport." He said handing it over to her.

Olivia made a quick glance to the picture on the Passport of the woman who looked like her.

_Samantha Gray, New York City, New York, United States of America._

"Your wallet, which includes American dollars as well as Euros for when you land in Paris. More money will be delivered to you at the appropriate time. You will keep all of your transactions in cash, no paper trail."

Olivia slid her Passport safely in to the wallet.

"Your phone, tablet… " He said forwarding the item towards her. "On your tablet is information on your target, maps of where you will be in Paris and surrounding areas. But I assume all of this has been committed to your memory by now. Sensitive information should be cleared before landing in Paris."

Olivia shook her head understanding.

Michael looked up at Olivia, holding her attention.

"You know who you are now. Forget who you were. This will be tough at first, but remind yourself everyday of who you are and what your target is, your life will depend on it. Your contacts will get in touch with you. Trust no one unless you are given proper identification. And always be aware of your surroundings."

Olivia took the information in, compartmentalizing what she was being told.

"Your bags are packed with the items you saw before. There will also be a small go bag with a phone, copy of your Passport and basic needs if you find yourself needing to disappear."

Olivia swallowed her, checking her gut.

"The box of your personal effects will be delivered to your desired destination after you arrive in Paris." Michael said standing, handing her a Hermes bag to gather her things in. "I will walk you to your car, you should be getting to the airport."

Olivia nodded agreeing as she followed him out in to the parking garage, to the car and driver waiting for her.

"Samantha?"

"Yes?" Olivia said taking one last glance to Michael.

"Remember Bishop is expecting your arrival in Paris."

"Oui, je me souviens." (Yes, I remember.)

"Bonne chance et au revoir." (Good luck and goodbye.)

"Au revoir." She said as the door to the car closed behind her.

Olivia boarded the plane looking out to the city she loved under the night sky. She focused then her attention to the tablet she had been given. She needed to not only familiarize herself with the new gadgets, but she also wanted a refresher on her target.

_Gareth Bishop, London, British Citizen, United Kingdom._

She studied his pictures.

A handsome face.

Piercing unmistakable, green eyes.

The target.

"… please turn off all electronic devices…"

Olivia closed her tablet, leaning back in to her seat. She closed her eyes for the peaceful rest she would without a doubt crave in the days to come.

Au revoir, au revoir, au revoir.


	2. Chapter 1

Ch 1.

**5 months, 22 days later...**

He pushed in and out of her as her body arched towards him.

Alex was begging for him to come, she wanted him to come as he held her hands pressed against the sheets.

She felt his body tighten against hers, his breath sharpen as she provoked his orgasm, then he collapsed on top of her.

She held him, the tips of her fingers dragging across his shoulders, down the muscles in his back.

His lips made their way down her neck, her eyes closed taking him in, coming down.

They were both coming down.

She was satisfied, he was satisfied.

Sex.

His fingers now trailed down and then back up her naked body.

"You always wear this necklace?" He said pulling the gold pendant between his fingers.

She tried to take it from his hand without him noticing that it was because she didn't want him touching the necklace that had hung around her neck for the last five and a half months.

It was sacred.

"A friend gave it to me." She answered simply.

"Must mean something."

"Yeah, it does… it does." Was all she would say.

She made an attempt to get out of bed.

"Hey, hey where are you going?" He said, pulling her back in to his arms, snuggling against her.

"Ben, I need to go." She said, giving him her attention. "I'm sorry, I can't stay. I have to be up early in the morning."

He shook his head understanding, letting her go.

She leaned in kissing him.

"I'm sorry," Alex apologized again. "Maybe we could grab dinner on Friday?"

"That sounds good," he said with a gentle smile.

He was a good man.

Kind, well educated, handsome.

He was an architect; he knew really nothing of the work of an Assistant District Attorney.

And he really knew nothing of her past.

He was good for Alex.

Ben called her a cab and made sure she was tucked safely in the backseat with a kiss goodbye.

"See you Friday."

Now in the back of the cab, her eyes glared at the passing city lights. She ran her tongue across her lips, washing away any last taste of him. She then bit her bottom lip and unconsciously fingered the necklace around her neck.

Alex squeezed her eyes shut thinking of Olivia.

She always thought of Olivia.

Another day, another night, not knowing where she was, or even who she was.

_Alex had come home after a hellacious day in court fully prepared to pour herself a glass of wine and make her way in to the tub as soon as possible. Instead, her doorbell rang. _

_She had gotten as far as taking off her suit jacket and discarding her shoes before she heard the doorbell. A man in a dark suit, addressing her by her formal name handed her a box addressed to her._

_Signed, sealed, certified, delivered._

_She looked down at the box, the handwriting._

_The lump in her throat nearly made her sick._

_A box and a note that looked all too familiar. _

_Familiar like the one she had packed now years ago._

_Alex dropped to her knees in the middle of the living room floor with the box in front of her._

_Alex opened the note, unsure of when she had stopped breathing._

_Olivia's confession to Alex and an apology for leaving._

'_My heart would ache for you… I wanted to kiss you, touch you… I hold you in my heart… my thoughts of you will keep me strong."_

_She cried._

_She had lost Olivia again, but this time knowing how Olivia truly felt about her._

_She had lost Olivia again._

_Alex's finger's trembled as she opened the box._

_Olivia's pictures, personal keepsakes, her necklace, the one she always wore, all packed neatly and efficiently in a box. _

_Gone. _

_All that was left of her._

Now another day, another night not knowing where she was, or even who she was.

Olivia was gone.

Alex stepped out of the cab and in to her building. She said a polite, but quick hello to the night doorman.

She made her way in to her apartment, stripping herself of her heels and the now wrinkled dress, and made a beeline for the shower.

Water running over her head, soap covering her body, Alex tried hard to focus on her task at hand, instead of getting lost in her thoughts like she did in the cab.

After a quick shower, she brushed her teeth and pulled on a t-shirt and fell in to bed.

Lying there in the dark, she tried desperately to keep her mind quiet.

She wanted to just sleep.

Sleep one dreamless night.

She didn't regret dating Ben, sleeping with him. She wouldn't be with him if she didn't want to. But she did question her motives. She questioned her need to have someone now, to feel wanted, even loved.

Olivia's confession, her leaving wasn't what triggered Alex's thoughts about her.

Ironically it was years ago when she was taken in to witness protection, when she had been pronounced dead to the outside world that one night she caught herself calling out Olivia's name when pleasuring herself.

Her subconscious called out Olivia's name.

But she had put her feeling for Olivia aside. Especially when she came back from witness protection, when she saw Olivia was dating. Olivia didn't feel the same as she did for her and Alex vowed to satisfy her want for Olivia with dinners, and coffee, and drinks, and the moments she spent with her own the job.

She vowed to let that be enough.

She had kept that vow.

But Alex couldn't help but wonder if Ben was in the right place at the right time to substitute or at least distract her feelings for Olivia.

Since Olivia had been gone, sense Olivia's confession of her feelings for her, Alex found it harder and harder not to think about her, how she wanted her, missed her, how she would confess too if she would ever see, when she would see Olivia again.

Alex tossed and turned.

"She's safe, she's fine. Wherever she is, she's fine." Alex told herself as she whispered aloud in her empty bedroom.

Alex sat up, flipping on the light. She grabbed her glasses and the book from her bedside table.

She would fall asleep forcefully with words again.

It had been 5 months and 22 days.


	3. Chapter 2

Thank you all so much for following and I appreciate you checking in with reviews! Just getting started here so thanks for sticking with me!

And Lawd help me and Google Translation! It's not all correct, but you get the point!

-M

Ch.2.

She stood tall.

Her Manolo shoes, the black leather dress that pronounced her every curve…

She stood tall, confident.

Or so she appeared.

Gareth slid his arm around her, his hands tracing the soft leather down the curve of her spine.

"Tu es magnifique," (You look beautiful) he whispered against the lobe of her ear.

She nodded giving a shy smile.

"I really mean it Samantha. You look beautiful." Gareth said in his thick English accent.

She turned to him, brushing the shoulder of his suit.

"I wore it for you," she said raising her brow.

He grinned, satisfied she had.

Gareth's attraction to Samantha came easily.

The CIA had chosen Olivia for more than one reason. His type.

Beautiful, tall, curvaceous… sexy, smart, mysterious.

His type.

Olivia knew how to flirt, how to capture a man's attention and finding the handsome Gareth Bishop as her target, she found it an easier job than she expected.

Olivia even found herself reminding herself that he was the bad guy. He was the reason why she was there.

He was a criminal, not a handsome, suave, Englishman.

"Something for you," Gareth said reaching to the inside pocket of his suit jacket.

She waited as the black box appeared before her.

He opened the box presenting the gift to her.

"Black diamonds." He said confidently.

Olivia looked down at the more than generous black diamond studs, set in gold.

"They are for you Samantha."

"They're beautiful… you shouldn't have."

"Of course I should have."

She took the earrings in her hand.

"If you'll just give me a moment, I'd like to wear them tonight."

"Of course. I'll be waiting for you."

Olivia disappeared back in to the bathroom.

She took the earrings from the box, placing a diamond in each ear.

She took a deep breath looking back at herself.

Looking at how she had changed, physically, mentally in the last 6 months.

She felt she had gained Gareth's trust; he seemed to have fallen for her.

But he had yet to tell her anything in depth of his business.

Her mission.

She needed to find out where the vast amounts of money he was laundering was coming from.

"Samantha! We mustn't be late."

"Coming!" She answered.

Another deep breath before rejoining him.

"Where are we going this evening?" She asked taking his awaiting hand.

"My club."

Olivia stopped to look at Gareth.

"Your club? How could I not know you own a club here in Paris?" She asked nonchalantly.

"Samantha darling, I own a lot of things. And this club is why I have been spending my time here recently. Sometimes you must be present to run a tight ship."

Olivia held her tongue.

Instead she smiled.

It was hard to compare the city lights at night in Paris. It was arguably one of the most beautiful cities Olivia had even seen.

They drove along the River Seine passing the riverboats and street traffic, while twinkling lights faded in to each other. They took a right turn, making their way down a quiet alley.

One block, two… Olivia counted.

Their car pulled up outside a non descript building. One that looked like the next one and the next…

The driver opened the door for Olivia, offering his hand.

"Merci," she said politely.

A large man standing outside opened the door to the building quickly, speaking reverently to Gareth Bishop.

Inside, Gareth watched as Olivia looked around.

"You're thinking this isn't a club?" He asked seemingly amused.

"My thoughts exactly."

"This is my private entrance."

"Of course." She said with a polite smile.

"Mr. Bishop."

They both quickly turned to see another large man in a suit call Gareth's name.

"Sir, your table is ready."

Gareth nodded in approval.

"Shall we?" Gareth asked placing his palm at the small of Olivia's back to guide her.

They went through a door, down a long hallway… the last door opened to the back of the club, a jazz club.

A woman in a scantly clad outfit was singing on stage.

Dark, sexy.

Their table, a rounded booth in the back corner.

Olivia slid in to the booth and Gareth sat tightly beside her, pulling her in to his arms for possession.

Champaign was immediately poured.

"Madeline." Gareth said acknowledging the woman who had poured their Champaign. "Obtenez la dame ce qu'elle aimerait." (Get the lady whatever she would like.)

Madeline nodded looking to Olivia.

"Champagne est très bien, je vous remercie." (Champaign is fine, thank you.)

Madeline again nodded before walking away.

Olivia looked around at all of the women and their clothing or lack their of. She then noticed the type of "gentleman" that sat at the tables, that mingled throughout the club.

Olivia shifted in her seat next to Gareth.

"Tu vas bien?" (Are you alright?) Gareth asked leaning in to her.

"Oui, je vais bien." (Yes, I'm fine.)

Gareth pushed her long dark hair to the side and began kissing her neck.

"Gareth?" She said questioning his public display of affection.

"Samantha, this is my club, I can do as I wish here."

Gareth continued to kiss her neck, his hands roaming her bare legs, under the hem of her dress.

She shuffled again.

Shit.

Olivia… shit. Go with it.

Gareth pulled away.

"I didn't think you were bothered by public display. The other night on my balcony you had no trouble…"

"That was your home."

"And this is my club."

Shit.

He ran his hands further up her dress, further between her thighs.

She closed her eyes.

He was a man that did what he wanted.

"Monsieur, mes excuses pour interrompre, mais vous sont nécessaires dans une question aussi importante."

(Sir, my apologies for interrupting, but you are needed in an important matter.)

Gareth stopped, his hands still between her thighs. He looked to Olivia.

"You go ahead." She nudged. "The ladies room?" She asked in to Gareth's ear.

Gareth nodded.

"Charles?

"Oui monsieur." (Yes sir?)

"S'il vous plaît montrer Madame Gray où elle peut se rafraîchir." (Please show Ms. Gray where she can freshen up.)

Gareth looked back to Olivia. "I'll be back soon."

They both parted ways, Gareth making his way behind the door they entered the club through, she following the man as instructed.

"Merci." Olivia said leaving him behind as she entered the ladies room.

She stopped at the mirror, pretending that she cared if her lipstick was smudged and if it needed to be re-applied. She was really gathering her thoughts, trying to process all that she had taken in, in the last hour.

"Donc, vous êtes Samantha Gray?" (So you're Samantha Gray?)

Olivia looked up in the mirror to see a brunette about her height standing behind her.

"Et vous êtes?" (And you are?) Olivia questioned.

"Celeste, Bishop's former." She said in English through her heavy French accent.

"Former lover?"

"Oui."

Olivia continued to look back at Celeste in the mirror.

"You are no exception you know? He likes his woman all the same. Look at us, our similarities. Look at all the women here." Celeste said glaring at Olivia. "You are just another dark haired beauty… but you are American. That is at least a new preference."

"Did you want something Celeste?" Olivia asked almost coldly and hoping to bait Celeste in to telling her more.

"He buys you expensive things, he's polite, gentle, the sex is amazing… Then like the rest of us…"

"The rest?" Olivia said turning to Celeste.

Celeste opened her jacket to show the bump of her belly.

Olivia couldn't help but feel sick.

"This baby, the others… It's his game."

"Why are you telling me this?"

Celeste gave an amused laugh.

"Maybe hormones have made me softer. But just consider it a warning."

"He doesn't want the baby?" Olivia goaded.

"Oh come on Samantha, you are smarter than that. You can't really be that dense?"

Olivia raised her brow.

"Of course he wants the baby, as soon as I give birth I will never see this baby again." Celeste looked down at her belly. "I am nothing but a breeder and you will be to."

Olivia took a deep breath and took a step back as another woman made her way in to the bathroom.

"Bon à vous rencontrer Samantha." (Good to meet you Samantha.)

"Celeste." Olivia said, as she nodded and walked out of the bathroom.

"There you are my beautiful Samantha." Gareth said reaching for her.

"Sorry, I was fixing my make-up." She said making an excuse.

"You have no need to fix your make-up, you are so naturally beautiful." He complimented.

"Charmeur." (Charmer) She teased.

He smiled knowing.

Olivia spent the rest of the evening sipping on her Champaign and observing.

"Puis-je vous aider plus Champaign?" (May I get you more Champaign?) Madeline offered.

"Non merci." (No merci)

"You are welcome to more Champaign Samantha." Gareth coaxed.

"You know I don't drink much." She reminded.

She made sure she didn't drink too much. She made sure she didn't loose her cognizance in the arms of Gareth Bishop.

He leaned over and kissed her lips.

"How bout we get out of here? Dinner?"

Olivia shook her head agreeing. She so badly wanted to get out of there.

"Sounds good."

By the time they had left the restaurant his hands were all over her.

His intentions clear.

"I can't get enough of you," he said in the back of his car, lips kissing her, his hands cupping her breasts through the leather.

Gareth definitely had a healthy sexual appetite, but he had never forced himself on Olivia.

He actually was the utmost gentleman.

When he met her, he was patient, waited for her.

They had made it inside his penthouse, his lips melded to hers.

His intentions again clear.

He pulled the zipper to her dress down, pulling her dress from her body.

"Ahh" he said with a grin and looking at Olivia's sheer and black, lace clad body.

"I see you received the gift I left for you the other night."

"You like what you see?" she teased.

"Incroyable." (Amazing)

Olivia let a slow, sexy grin appear on her face.

Gareth began to kiss her again, this time guiding her against his bedroom wall.

Of course her mind wandered, of course she thought about her conversations with Celeste.

But she knew her job.

She knew what she had agreed to do.

She gave up her life for this mission.

It also meant she would give up her body if she needed to.

And she had. Tonight would be no exception.

Knowing what she knew now, knowing Gareth was making his money by selling babies on the black market was the answer she had been looking for. Now all she needed was to relay this information to her contact and pray to God with every ounce of her being that her contraception would not fail her.

He never bothered that evening with the comfort of his bed. Instead he fucked her against the wall until they both came.

He held her there for a moment until both of their bodies settled.

"Shower with me?"

"I can't. I can't stay tonight."

"But I will make love to you properly. I promise."

Olivia pretended to be charmed.

"I know you have an important meeting in the morning, as I have my own business to attend to." She said seductively kissing across his collar bone. "You and I both need to get some sleep."

Olivia pulled away, gathering her clothes.

She stepped back in to the soft leather.

"Sleep here."

Olivia walked to Gareth placing her finger over his lips.

She looked in to his piercing green eyes, swearing she almost saw a man that truly wanted the woman before him to stay.

"Faites de beaux rêves," (Sweet dreams) she said before walking away.

"My driver will take you." He called out.

She only shook her head no.

She had made it clear she preferred taking a taxi many times before.

He always conceded.

Back at her apartment, she showered quickly.

Wrapped in a plush white robe, she sat on the edge of her bed holding the phone to her ear.

"Yes?" the familiar voice answered.

"Selling babies on the black market. He lures women, gets them pregnant, takes their babies, sells them."

She heard a deep breath on the other end of the line.

"Are you ok?" The voice asked seriously.

"Yes." She replied curtly.

"I'll be in touch first thing in the morning."

"Fine."

The phone went dead.

She dropped the phone beside her on the bed.

Quiet world.

Her elbows rested on her knees, her face fell in to her hands.

She had managed to live another day as Samantha Gray.


	4. Chapter 3

Ch. 3

"I'll see if we can get a subpoena." Alex said crossing her arms and leaning against Amaro's desk. "Without Elizabeth's testimony I'm afraid we won't have much to go on."

"What about Elizabeth's mother?" Rollins asked.

"I think she would be a good asset, and if anything for character."

"I'll work on her mother." Amaro spoke up.

"Great just let me know if you need anything." Alex said rising to her feet, gathering her things.

"Anyone heard anything about Olivia?" Amaro asked out of the blue.

Alex's head rose slowly, her eyes catching Nicks.

"Look I know we're all wondering if she is ok. It's been like six months and nothing." Nick continued.

"Would we hear anything if she wasn't ok?" Amanda interjected as she slid her hands in to the back pockets of her jeans.

They wouldn't know if she was ok.

There was no need to inform the insignificant.

Olivia belonged to them now.

The CIA would tell them nothing.

If she was hurt maybe she would be sent home.

Or if they had her body…

Alex was grinding her teeth.

No one knew her feelings for Olivia.

No one knew what she had emotionally been through without her.

"She's probably fine. Otherwise we would have heard by now." Alex said picking up her briefcase ready to dismiss the detectives. "Let me know if you get Elizabeth's mother," she said as she walked out of the precinct, Nick and Amanda both speechless by Alex's rather cold reaction.

Olivia sat in the back of the café, her morning coffee halfway gone.

Gareth would meet her for a late breakfast.

She sat, a newspaper in hand starring at the words though she had no intentions of reading them.

The newspaper, a façade to give her mind time to wander.

Her days and nights alone had become few, and when they did arise she was exhausted.

For the most part she was thankful.

Glad she didn't have time to dwell or miss home. Miss her life, New York, her Job. Miss Alex.

Olivia closed her eyes shut for a moment thinking of Alex. Thinking of her, knowing it was the end of the day for her, hoping she would have time to relax.

Maybe she could soak in the tub, a glass of Cabernet, and a chance to read one of her many favorite books.

"Bonjour ma chérie. Tu es ravissante ce matin," (Good morning darling. You look lovely this morning.) Gareth said leaning in for a quick kiss to her lips, then dragging his fingers down her forearm to make better contact with her.

"Merci," she said as she watched the handsome man settle in across from her.

"Anything news worthy this morning?"

Olivia looked down at the newspaper in her hand.

"I actually just glanced at it." She said unable to relay a word to him because anything she had read, she quickly forgot after her thoughts of Alex.

The waitress appeared and Gareth ordered coffee and they agreed on ordering on eggs and pastries for breakfast.

His attention back on Olivia.

His green eyes sparkling at he sight of her.

"I would like you to travel with me back to London." He said pulling her hand in to his.

"London?"

"I know your business is here in Paris and I'm sure you are looking to get back to the States at some point, but we are having too much fun. And I have to say I more than enjoy your company. So I would love for you to come to London with me for a little while."

"I thought you needed to be here in Paris? I believe you said something about being present to run a tight ship."

He grinned, intertwining his fingers with hers.

"Everything seems to be going well and you know as I do when doing business around the world, you are needed in many different places."

Olivia picked up her coffee cup and pressing it against her lips, though she never let go of his hand.

Biding time.

"Maybe." She said coyly, but with a smile.

Gareth grinned again.

"Well… I'll take a maybe for now. But know I will do my best to persuade you."

"I will have to see if I can work it out." She said vaguely.

"Very well." He said, as their breakfast arrived.

Her desk lamp felt like it was burning her retinas.

She pulled her glasses from her face, dropping them on to her paper-stacked desk.

She leaned back in her chair closing her eyes.

"You know, you're allowed vacation time." Casey said, standing in Alex's doorway.

Alex opened her eyes giving a slight laugh to the redhead.

"Vacation? Do I look that bad?" Alex asked.

"You look tired."

"I didn't know tired warranted vacation in this job."

"Not necessarily, but I know you've had a lot on your mind the last few months."

Alex took a deep breath, placing her glasses back on.

"It's good to see you Casey."

"It' good to see you." Casey said sitting in the chair across from Alex.

"How have you have you been?"

"Good. I've been good, but I wanted to come and check on you."

"Check on me? Why?"

"I know the last couple of months haven't been easy, worrying about Olivia."

"Olivia." Alex tried to state blankly.

"Oh come on Alex. You don't have to do that with me."

Alex sighed, giving in to the conversation.

"Casey, she's fine."

"But she left you."

Alex gave another slight laugh.

"She left everyone, she left her life."

"And she left you."

"Casey I'm not sure what you're getting at."

"Nothing… nothing… she's your best friend. And I know you two… I know you two have had a hard time in the past when…"

"When what? When one of us takes off? When one of us is left behind? God Casey we're not..." Alex stopped herself.

Casey raised her brow.

"Alex, it's ok to miss her. It's ok to worry about her, we're all worried about her."

"She did this on her own accord. She put herself in danger to run from her own life. She does this. She doesn't understand that it hurts other people, she thinks she's running for a good reason. She thinks she's doing good somewhere else and that makes up for anything she abandoning in her life."

"So you're angry she left."

"Casey."

"And what was she running from this time? You?"

"Why would you ask that?" Alex asked defensively.

"Because you're angry. Because Donnelly said you haven't been yourself since she left."

"Oh so Donnelly is in on this too?"

"No one is in on anything. We just care about you, and we care about Olivia."

"Casey, it doesn't matter. She's gone. She made the choice to go. So I have to let her be gone."

"That why you wear her necklace?"

"What do you want me to say?"

"Whatever your feelings are for her, I just want you to be able to say out loud how much miss her. You've kept this all inside for the last six months, you don't confide in anyone."

"I confided in her." Alex blurted.

Casey sat back in her chair.

The prosecution rests.

Alex clenched her eyes shut.

"I miss her." Alex said aloud.

"Samantha."

"Martin," she said acknowledging him as she pulled her coat closer to her chest. "Must you always be smoking when we meet?"

Martin flicked his cigarette to the ground, smashing it with the toe of his perfectly shined shoe.

"You and Mr. Bishop looked quite cozy in that café." He smirked.

"Was I not hired to be cozy?" She snipped back. "Did you check on the lead on the black market?" She asked changing the subject.

"Still looking in to it. If he is, he's good. Not a trace so far."

"Possible Celeste was lying about the baby?"

"Don't let Bishop get to you Samantha."

Olivia looked at Martin in the eyes with disdain.

"I'm doing my job. I give you leads, you follow up."

"Easy. A bit on edge are we?"

Olivia physically relaxed, pushing her hands in to her coat pockets.

"Sorry. Yes a little on edge… He asked me to go to London with him." She said collecting herself.

"What did you say?"

"I played coy, told him I would think about it."

"Prepare to relocate to London. We'll have everything set up for you."

Olivia shook her head agreeing.

"Samantha?"

She turned, looking to Martin.

"You're doing good."

Olivia swallowed the lump in her throat and turned up her mouth giving Martin a slight smile.

"Thanks."

"Be safe." Martin said sincerely.

Olivia nodded and walked away.


	5. Chapter 4

So I did a quick outline of the next 8 or so chapters and I'm a bit excited for what's to come in this story! I love your comments and I hope what I have planned, you guys are gonna totally dig! Thanks again and again for the reviews and follows.

-M

Ch. 4

"M. Bishop, Mme Gray est arrivé." (Mr. Bishop, Ms. Gray has arrived.)

Gareth nodded looking towards his private entrance where she made her way, as if on queue through the doorway.

She looked stunning.

She didn't disappoint.

She never disappointed.

Her eyes searched the room for him.

They quickly locked on his and a grin quickly covered his face.

Gareth walked towards her, meeting her.

His eyes traced the dark red dress that clung elegantly to her curves, and the deep v that accentuated her ample cleavage.

"Breathtaking, absolutely breathtaking." He said, before capturing the lobe of her ear between his lips.

The feel of his lips caught her breath, sending chills down her spine.

She smiled looking to him. She ran her fingers playfully down the lapel of his suit jacket.

"Not looking so bad yourself."

She gave him a quick kiss, making sure she drug his bottom lip between hers.

He grinned, as she watched him run a single finger down her neck, her chest, to the space where her breast met.

"Let's get you a glass a wine," he said then reaching for her. "I made sure your favorite bottle of Cab would be here for you."

Gareth placed his hand at the small of her back leading her to the bar.

Now both holding a glass in hand, Gareth had his free hand on Olivia's hip.

He touched her constantly.

She had gotten used to his public displays.

"I did mention how beautiful you look?"

"I'm starting to think you're only interested in my appearance Mr. Bishop." She said cheekily.

"I assure you Ms. Gray I find your mind just as beautiful."

Charming.

Very charming.

She rolled her eyes as she licked her lips slowly.

Fire

She knew she was playing with fire.

Her attraction to Gareth was natural, easy.

Too easy.

"Monsieur Bishop."

Gareth turned from Olivia looking at the white haired gentleman.

"Monsieur Andreu," Gareth said reaching to take his extended hand. "C'est Mme Samantha Gray." (This is Ms. Samantha Gray.)

Mr. Audreu took Olivia's hand.

"Ravi de vous rencontrer," (Nice to meet you.) she said politely.

"Vous êtes très belle, qu'est-ce que tu fais avec cet imbécile?" (You are very beautiful, what are you doing with this fool?) Andreu asked jovially.

Gareth laughed as she gave a shy smile.

"Permettez-moi de vous offrir un verre," (Let me get you a drink.) Gareth offered.

They all sat around the bar, talking. Gareth explained that Audreu was an old business associate of his. Of course he didn't mention what kind of business.

But they seemed comfortable. Full of stories.

As they talked, without notice Olivia's eyes wandered looking over the crowd.

She couldn't help but look around, hoping she wouldn't see Celeste. Their meeting in the bathroom was enough for a lifetime, though Celeste may have been the only lead Olivia had to where Gareth's money was actually coming from.

Still she could do without another run in.

As Olivia looked around, she caught the eyes of a man sitting not far from her.

He was obviously starring.

She nodded letting him know she saw him.

He slowly looked her up and down, raising his brow to show his approval.

Olivia tried not to shiver.

He held up his drink saluting her, never turning away or pretending to be shy that she caught him watching her.

Olivia took note of his facial features, his dark hair, his expensive suit.

She took note of anything identifiable and of his interest in her.

But he seemed like the rest.

Rich, a pervert…

She heard Gareth say his goodbye to Andreu and she smiled politely saying goodbye as well.

"Let me get you another glass of wine." Gareth offered taking her glass from her and placing it on the bar before a new glass was quickly placed in its spot.

He handed the glass to her.

"You know I hate to leave you, but I need to go check on a few things, will you be ok here?"

Olivia shook her head.

"Go ahead, I'm fine. I'm relaxed, enjoying my wine." She said convincingly.

He nodded, "I'll be back shortly," he said capturing her lips before leaving her there at the bar.

She watched him go before she turned around, placing her glass against the marble surface of the bar.

She didn't have time to turn back before the man from across the room was hovering over her.

"Mme Gray," he said voice just above a whisper.

She turned looking at him.

"Avons-nous rencontré?" (Have we met?)

"M. Bishop a fait la réputation d'avoir une belle femme à ses côtés. Je dois dire, vous n'avez pas décevoir." (Mr. Bishop has quite the reputation for having a beautiful woman by his side. I must say, you do not disappoint. )

"Merci, mais vous n'avez pas dit si nous avions rencontré?" (Thank you, but you didn't say if we had met?)

She tried not to physically tense at his presents.

Cool, calm.

"Non, nous n'avons pas." (No we haven't.)

Before Olivia could question him more she saw him quickly take a step back and felt

Gareth put his arm possessively around her.

Relieved.

When she looked back the man was gone.

"Who was that?" Gareth asked.

"I don't know, he didn't tell me his name." Olivia said confused of what had just happened.

Where the man had gone?

Who he was?

Gareth pulled her closer and she looked at him, his eyes dark.

"Are you jealous I was speaking to another man?" She teased, though she was creeped out, and her mind and body were on high alert.

"Sorry I guess you bring out the jealousy in me. I want you, Samantha all to myself," he said smoothly.

"Well you have me," Olivia said snaking her arms around him.

"Oh and speaking of wanting you all to myself, have you thought anymore about traveling to London with me?"

"I have."

He grinned.

Gareth loved that she was playful. That she could get away with teasing him.

"Yes, I will go to London with you."

He smiled satisfied he had gotten his wish.

He kissed her.

"I am actually needing to leave quite soon. Would it be possible for you to leave with rather short notice?"

"Just tell me when," she said hoping she didn't sound too eager, too easy to drop everything.

He kissed her again, this time more passionately than before.

"Come home with me." He said his lips already nibbling down her neck. "I want to show you my appreciation for you coming to London with me."

She slid off the chair, taking one last sip of wine before she followed him out.

Her days in Paris were numbered.


	6. Chapter 5

Ch.5

A knock twice on the door and a quick glance in to the peephole.

He was in his usual dark suit, sans the tie.

He leaned in closer to the door aligning his magnified eye with the peephole.

She opened the door laughing, humored at his antics.

He actually grinned.

Martin actually grinned.

She ushered him in to her living room as she took her seat back on the couch, motioning for him to sit.

"You do sit?" She asked amused at his stiff appearance.

He sat.

He looked at her.

For a fleeting moment Martin wondered if it were the real her sitting there. Not Samantha, but the woman she was before.

The woman he had never met.

"What?" Olivia asked, looking at him.

"Sorry, I've never seen you this way."

"What way?"

"The jeans, the ponytail…relaxed."

She laughed.

"I've never heard you laugh either," he observed.

"I guess I just feel good today. I tried putting myself in my happy place this morning."

"Your happy place? And does this person have a name?"

"You assume it's a person?" She smiled.

"It usually is."

Olivia pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, thinking before she spoke.

"I was thinking about Alex this morning, about being in New York with Alex…"

Olivia pulled her jean-clad knees closer to her chest.

"Someone you're in love with?"

Olivia let out a shy, breathy laugh, "yes" was all she would give.

"Well… I'm happy to see a smile on your face."

"Thanks," she said softly.

Alex.

"You're prepared to go to London? Martin asked, changing the subject.

She shook her head, "as I'll ever be I guess. Gareth had a sense of urgency about leaving for London. He is preparing for us to go this weekend."

"Did he say why the urgency?"

''He didn't say. I assume business." Olivia stood up from the couch. "Martin, I'm sorry, I have coffee made or can I get you some tea?"

"Coffee is fine." He said as he watched her move in to the small kitchen.

"You know," she said then stopping herself, "I usually have such a good read on people, a good sense of who they are. Knowing what I know about Gareth, who he really is versus the way he is with me… I mean, I know he's the bad guy, and I know when a man comes across as suave and flawless it is always a tell, tell sign, but he's so kind, and he seems to have a gentleness about him…"

"Samantha..." Martin said standing and quickly walking towards her.

"I know, I know what you're going to say. I just…"

"Samantha…" Martin said, getting her attention. "Celeste is dead."

"What?" She said, taking a step back.

"Her body was found in an alley on the west side."

Her eyes showed horror before she clenched them shut.

"When where you going to tell me?"

… Flawless, it is too good to be true…

"I was going to tell you this morning… she was found yesterday."

"The baby?"

"Gone."

"What?"

"The baby was gone, cut out of her."

"Shit." Olivia mumbled under her breath then hands resting on the counter.

"Do you know how long she had been dead?"

"At least 24 hours before they found her."

"Shit," she said again before bowing her head.

"Samantha, do not trust Gareth. No matter how kind, no matter how sincere."

"I don't, I don't."

She reassured him.

She reassured herself.

Olivia handed Martin his coffee and she made her way back to the couch, still in shock.

"I know this is hard to digest…"

"Martin." She interrupted. "There was a man, last night at Gareth's club. I caught his starring at me. He was creepy… When Gareth left me at the bar, he came over to me… he avoided telling me his name."

"What did he say to you?" Martin asked concerned.

"He called me Samantha, actually Ms. Gray. When I asked had we met before he avoided the question. So I asked again and he said we hadn't met."

"Did he say anything else to you?" Martin asked concerned.

"Just something about he knew Gareth surrounded himself with beautiful women, and that I didn't disappoint."

"Tell me what he looked like."

Dark suit, thin, sharp nose, about my height, dark hair, longer tucked behind his ears… He spoke in French, but his accent was off. He may have been British?

Martin shook his head taking in the information. "Anything else?"

"Gareth came back to the bar, interrupting..."

"Did Gareth seem to know him?"

"He didn't seem to. Actually, he asked me who he was. Another strange thing was when Gareth came over, the man disappeared in to thin air, just gone."

Martin leaned back in the chair, pondering, his coffee abandoned on the side table.

"You need to let me know right away if you see this man again… And you're sure Gareth didn't know him, he didn't seem different, anything?"

"No, I mean I teased him about being jealous of me talking to another man."

"And what did he say?"

"Charming… said something like I bring out the jealousy in him."

Martin was silent.

"Say something." She demanded, not liking his sudden silence and change in disposition.

Martin was her informant, her confidant. He was the only one she had to trust, to speak freely with for the last 6 and a half months.

He was cool, calm, but always cautious. He had her back.

"It's nothing, just taking in the information."

"You're scaring me a little…"

"No you're fine. Just keep your eyes open. I'll see if we can narrow down some of Gareth's associates and his enemies by your description. Go to London, when I see you again, I'll beings shots to see if you recognize anyone."

She shook her head, agreeing.

She then stood up from the couch.

"I should be getting ready. I'm meeting Gareth this afternoon, he said he would let me know travel plans."

Martin stood up.

"Very good," he said thoughtfully, "and you'll let us know immediately?"

"Of course."

She walked him to the door.

"You're not alone Samantha, say the word and I will be right there with you."

She gave a quick smile. "Thanks Martin."

AOAOAOAOAOAOA

Alex opened the apartment door to see Casey already holding out the bottle of wine to her.

"Ah you came prepared!" Alex said taking the bottle from her and letting her in.

"I figured if you had already opened a bottle, we might need a spare!"

"Ha, well you never know!" Alex joked.

Casey followed Alex in to her kitchen.

"Who are the flowers from?" Casey asked, as she couldn't help but notice the more than generous amount of flowers on her counter.

"There from a friend." Alex said almost bruising it off.

"A friend? Does friend have a name?"

"Ben."

"Ben?" Casey said her eyes widening.

"Serious?"

"Fuck buddy."

"Wait fuck buddy's send flowers?"

"Casey!"

"What? Valid question!"

"He thinks it's a thing."

"And you are just using him for sex?"

"And dinner." Alex grinned.

"Naughty Alexandra naughty!"

Alex rolled her eyes, handing the glass of wine to Casey.

"So what's wrong with him?" Casey asked inquisitively.

"You're not going to let this go are you?"

"Nope."

"He's great. Cute, smart… he's an architect. The sex is good. The conversation is good. I don't know…"

"But?"

"But what?"

"But he's not…?"

Alex raised her brow and left Casey headed towards her couch, Casey followed.

"Casey… I'm just not looking for a relationship right now. I have other things…"

"You miss other things." She corrected.

"Give it up Case!"

"You give it up! As soon as you admit it, the better off you'll be. And then you can get used to the idea while she's gone and when's she back, you won't be such a chicken shit!"

"A chicken shit? Really?" Alex said amused.

Casey laughed.

"Alex, you're talking to me. You know I have your best interests at heart and Liv's as well. And I would never betray yours or her confidence. But you guys have played this game long enough and torturing yourselves about your feelings for each other is crazy."

"I know that." Alex said biting at her bottom lip. I just… I've admitted it to myself and I just…"

"Alex you have to know she feels something for you?"

"She told me she did."

"What?" Casey asked a bit surprised.

"When she left, she left me a box of her personal belongings and a note."

"And the note said?"

"That she had feeling for me, that she had for years."

"Then what is the problem?" Casey said trying to make it light.

"I've had feeling for her for so long, and our lives… we just cant seem to either be in the same place or be on the same page."

"Because you've never told her how you feel. Because neither of you have ever told each other face to face."

"It's too late Casey."

"What do you mean it's too late?"

"I mean who am I confessing to, besides you? She's gone, long gone. No one knows where she is, how she is, who she is… she's gone."

"She'll come back."

"Will she?"

"Alex, what do you mean will she? Why are you thinking like that?

Alex shook her head.

"I don't know, I don't know. I tried to stay so positive about her coming back, hell, her just coming back in one piece. But every day gets longer, everyday feels further from the hope that she will. And lately I just haven't been able to get passed the thinking that something is wrong."

"Alex she's in a dangerous situation there's no doubt about that, but she's fine. And she'll come home."

"I know, and I told myself she was ok a million times… now, can't shake that something's not right.


	7. Chapter 6

Ch 6

She had spent the morning thinking of Alex.

Thoughts full of lust and regret, thoughts full of need.

Missing her, wanting her, wondering how she was.

Olivia had scolded herself over and over the last seven months thinking about how she had left a note confessing her feelings for Alex…

And then just left.

How cowardly it seemed, but also how she would have regretted not telling her incase she didn't come back.

Olivia didn't have even a picture of her and she didn't dare look her up on the Internet for a glimpse of her, she couldn't risk anyone associating Alex with her.

She was only in her thoughts.

Thoughts that she tried to ignore.

Thoughts she tried desperately to forget.

Olivia's biggest fear at times, was not that she would say her own name, but that she would call out Alex's name.

During sex at the height of her climax, or lying in bed next to Gareth, she feared her imagination; her inner thoughts would betray her.

And despite her efforts the more intertwined she became as Samantha Gray on the outside, the more she clung to the way she felt inside for Alex.

She picked up Martin's discarded coffee cup from the table. The left over coffee sloshed back and forth as her hands shook, as she made her way to the kitchen.

She sat the cup down on the kitchen counter; thankful she had made it to the counter without dropping the cup.

Her eyes clenched shut, willing herself steady on the heels of her boots.

Her heart was pounding; she could physically feel it thumping in her chest.

She was sure she would be sick.

Celeste was dead.

The baby was missing.

The man in the bar, Martin was now overly concerned with.

Don't trust Gareth.

Don't trust Gareth.

Alex…

Too much, emotionally so much.

Olivia stood up straight, clearing her throat to try and pass the sick feeling in her chest.

She could do this.

She would do this.

She had come this far.

She had left New York almost 7 months ago.

She left everything, everything.

She could do this.

She pulled her black Burberry coat on, synching the belt around her waist.

Her hair left in a neat ponytail, she pulled the collar of her coat closer around her neck.

As usual her refusal of Gareth sending a car to pick her up, she would hail a cab and meet him.

She took one final look in the mirror not far from the door.

"Samantha, Samantha, Samantha," she reminded before taking a deep breath.

AOAOAOAOAO

Olivia made her way out on to the street. It was late afternoon and traffic was beginning to pick up as well as people on the streets.

As she always did she surveyed her surroundings. People's faces, where she was, and the direction she was going.

She let a crowd of people pass before making her way to the curb to hail a cab.

She stood on the curb raising her arm for a cab.

"Samantha."

Olivia's arm dropped to her side, her eyes fixed on a piece of newspaper that was fluttering across the street in the breeze as she waiting to hear the voice again, hoping, wishing she had imaged the sound of her name.

"No sudden movements ok?" he said gently in an Irish accent.

She didn't move.

She was thinking…

Thinking.

He wasn't British.

He stood close to her, too close, his body pressing in to hers.

"We're going to walk and if you try and run, or you scream, I'll kill you right here in front of everyone," he said calmly as she felt the unmistakable feeling of a gun pressed in to her spine.

He walked, she walked.

"Who are you?" She asked calmly.

"No talking… we'll have plenty of time to chat Samantha."

They kept walking, turning abruptly on to a side street.

"Where are we going?"

"I said no talking!"

They walked a bit further, away from the bustling street, away from eyes and ears, car horns, police.

Another quick turn in to an alley, this time with the turn he slammed her in to a brick wall.

Her cheek hit the rough exterior, and it instantly burned.

He yanked her from the wall.

Their eyes meeting.

"It's you."

Oh God, she told Martin she thought he was British… his Irish accent lost in him speaking to her in French.

He grinned slyly and then pushed the back of her head against the brick wall pinning her between the wall and his hand now at the base of her throat.

"I was hoping you would remember me Samantha."

"At the bar… we were talking, you just disappeared."

"I only wanted us to have a quick chance to meet."

"Who are you? What are you doing?"

"Oh Samantha," he said squeezing her throat a bit tighter.

Olivia tried to let out a painful moan, but she couldn't catch her breath.

"I liked you from the first time I laid eyes on you. Beautiful, sexy," he said pressing himself against her, grabbing her ass, " I like that you're smart, feisty. I think Bishop likes that too."

"Just tell me what you want?" Olivia said, her voice trying not to sound as if she were pleading.

"What I want? Samantha, I want you," he said pressing his lips harshly against hers.

When she refused to accept his kiss, he reared back slapping her hard across the face with his gun.

Olivia cried out as she fell to the ground.

"Stand up!" he said pulling her quickly back to her feet.

She could feel blood dripping down her throbbing cheek.

"Where's Gareth?"

"Gareth?" He gave a slight laugh. "Forget Gareth. You belong to me now."

Olivia's eyes widened.

"I never belonged to Gareth!" She spat at him. "I don't know who you think I am!"

"Now. You. Belong. To. Me." He said slowly repeated.

Olivia instinctually began to fight him, he wrestled with her, shoving her back against the wall, her insides jolting from the harsh thud.

He was without a doubt stronger, bigger than she was.

"Please, just tell me what you want!"

"Must we go round and round? I want you and now I have you. Very simple."

"No! No! Help me!" She screamed. "Aidez-moi!" (Help me!)

This time he hit her again, harder with his gun across her other cheek.

Down like a ton of bricks.

"I just knew you wouldn't play nicely Samantha." He said climbing on top of her, holding her against the cold ground.

Her head was spinning, her vision blurred. She couldn't fight, make her arms move, her body even flinch.

He pressed his knees in to her upper arms.

She focused long enough to see a needle coming towards her.

She tried to scream, in her head she was screaming.

His face coming towards her.

His body on top of hers.

Her world went dark.


	8. Chapter 7

**A quick one, but wanted to keep the story rolling and the updates coming! Thank you all for your reviews and follows. I love your guesses and thoughts on what is going to happen next! :D -M**

Ch. 7

Her head was pounding.

She could feel her heart thumping in her chest.

Her arms were heavy.

She couldn't raise her arm.

Why couldn't she lift her arms?

Her legs, they wouldn't move.

Paralyzed.

She started to panic.

Her eyes fluttered back and forth in to the darkness.

She couldn't see.

She couldn't see where she was, her nose in front of her face.

She tried to speak, but no words came, only mumbled sounds escaped from deep within her chest.

She was panicking.

She wanted to call for help, for anyone.

She could feel her fingertips, though numb against the cement.

She was lying on the ground.

On the cement ground.

In the darkness.

She wanted to turn her head.

She wanted to move, to try again and scream.

She couldn't move, her sounds inaudible.

Nothing.

Her fingers flinched with all the will she had as she tried to grasp at the cement below her.

Remember.

She tried to remember where she was, how she got there.

What happened… think Olivia… think.

She was panicking.

Her thoughts jumbled.

She tried desperately to calm herself, put one thought, one word behind the other.

She tried to breath.

She felt like her lungs wouldn't inflate though she knew she was breathing.

The man from the bar.

The alley.

The brick wall.

He was on top of her.

A needle.

Then nothing.

Then now.

She was cold.

She felt cold.

Her clothes?

She wasn't wearing her clothes.

Her legs were bare, she could feel the cold air against them.

Her shoulders were covered.

Wrapped in a blanket?

Was she wrapped in a blanket?

Her legs bare.

Oh God, oh God!

She wasn't wearing her clothes.

She struggled again to move.

Tears falling from her eyes.

She couldn't stop.

She couldn't stop crying.

Or stop panicking.

God, please God!

Think Olivia.

It would wear off.

Whatever was in that needle, it would wear off.

She would be able to move, figure out where she was, get out.

She would be able to get out.

Whatever had happen to her she would get over.

She just needed to get out.

Simple.

She could feel her eyes getting heavy and she struggled to keep them open.

Her body suddenly felt like it was fighting against her.

What was happening?

She was sweating.

She suddenly couldn't breath.

Her body began to shake violently.

Now nothing.

AOAOAOAOAOAO

Her body wreathed under the blanket.

She had tossed and turned all night, her arms flailing about.

Her mumblings incoherent.

She was dreaming.

A bad dream.

Her body flinched, her fists tightening, again words that made no sense.

Suddenly she sat straight up in bed.

LIV! She screamed in to the darkness of her bedroom.

She looked around.

Nothing.

There was nothing, no one there.

She was sweating, her t-shirt soaked.

Her head was pounding.

She could feel her heart thumping in her chest.


	9. Chapter 8

Ch.8

**London, England.**

Martin leaned back, the steel of the chair pressing in to the muscles in his back.

He had shed his suit jacket and his sleeves were rolled up his forearms.

He slouched.

A man usually flawless in dress and in manner looked tired, worn.

"Daniel Martin?"

Martin looked up at the woman standing before him.

She held out her hand. "Agent Caroline West, MI6"

Martin shook the elder woman's hand.

"I know you've been over this, but one more time Agent Martin." She said adjusting her pen and paper.

Martin leaned forward, his elbows resting on the table between them.

"Samantha Gray. She was supposed to meet me in London a few days ago. She was transferring with her target, Gareth Bishop from Paris. She was to check in as soon as she made it in to the city. I was to meet her, provide her with her new living quarters; money as well as I would receive an update on Bishop's statues.

"And she never met you in London?"

"That is correct. And there is no record that she boarded a plane at Charles De Gaulle and landed in London at Heathrow."

"And Mr. Bishop's status?"

"He is missing as well."

"Private plane?"

"Yes ma'am."

"And where is that plane?"

"We have questioned the charter company. There was no jet ordered."

"Do you think Ms. Gray could have gone rogue?"

"No ma'am. I believe that Ms. Gray is committed to her job, committed to her assignment. She has been diligent towards her assignment."

"At your last meeting she mentioned a British man that you consider a man in question?"

"Ms. Gray said she thought he was British, though he spoke to her in French. She said, he seemed strange, and as he was talking to her, Gareth arrived and he disappeared in to thin air."

"Did she seem worried?"

"No ma'am. If anything I was more concerned."

"And you have a description of this man?"

"We're narrowing down suspects as we speak. Ms. Gray described him to me in good detail."

"You will pass along that information?"

"As soon as possible."

"Agent Martin, do you remember what Ms. Gray was wearing when you saw her last?"

"She was wearing jeans and a heather gray sweater. She was barefoot at the time, her hair pulled up in a pony tale. I remember this because I commented on how relaxed she looked. She may have changed clothes though, she was to meet Mr. Bishop later that afternoon."

"We have agents looking for her here. I know agents in France, as well as the United States now have government in Europe looking for her as well. You have my word, and our word here at the MI6 that we will do our best to find her."

"Thank you ma'am."

Agent West stood and Gareth rose from his chair. She shook his hand again. "Good luck Agent Martin. We will be in contact."

Martin waited for the door to close behind her before his fist hit the table.

"Fuck!" He yelled in to a now empty room.

AOAOAOAOAOAOAO

She awoke with her cheek pressed against the cement floor.

Cold, hard, damp.

She tried to regain her senses.

It was no longer complete darkness. A light bulb hung from a wooden beam 10 feet from her.

She tried to move; hoping this last time that she had passed out and whatever was in the needle had worn off.

Her body ached.

Every muscle felt like it was on fire.

She suddenly realized her arms were bound behind her back, but she could once again move her legs.

She tried to roll over on to her back, and then work her way in to a sitting position.

She looked down at her body.

Her legs covered in scrapes and bruises.

Had she been dragged here?

She surveyed her surroundings.

A basement.

Original she thought.

Blank stone walls, cement floor, no windows.

The blanket that had been wrapped around her was now lying next to her.

She looked down to see what she had on her body.

An oversized shirt.

Not hers.

No underwear, no bra, no pants, no shoes.

A shirt, that wasn't hers.

She swallowed hard.

She needed to get to the door.

She attempted twice to stand, but her legs faltered, her body back against the cement wall.

Tears streamed down her face though she was trying to will herself not to cry.

Suddenly a rattle at the door, one lock, two.

Moments later he appeared.

"Ahh Sleeping Beauty is awake." He said, his boots clicking against the ground as he walked towards her.

Olivia quickly tried to scoot herself higher against the cement wall.

"Who are you?" She asked, her voice hoarse from silence.

He squatted down close to her.

In her space.

Too close for any comfort.

The smell of his cologne permeating around her.

The smell made her feel sick.

"Lucas." He answered, as he pushed strands of her hair from her face.

She flinched.

"Now Samantha no need to pull away from me."

"What do you want from me?"

Lucas leaned in and the reared his hand back, slapping her hard across the face.

Her face stung, reminding her of the blows to her face she had taken in the alley.

"Samantha. I wanted you, now I have you to do as I please."

"Where am I?"

She flinched when he raised his hand to her. This time, he drug his fingers up her throat and then gently placed his fingers at her chin.

"Samantha all that matters is that you are here with me now."

"Is Gareth behind this?"

"Gareth?" he said leaning in pressing his lips to hers.

He pulled away and then kicked her, slamming her hard against the pavement.

She cried out, unable to deny the pain that rushed through her stomach where his boot had made contact.

He kicked her again and again for each cry she made.

Lucas stood over her before learning down pushing her knees apart.

"No, no, please no!" She begged.

Lucas hit his knees, pressing his lips to the lobe of her ear.

He breathed in and then out methodically.

He cupped his hand against her bare core.

"Mention his name again and you'll wish you were dead." He said pressing in to her.

He body tightened, her eyes clinched shut.

"Please no," she said quietly.

He let go of her, leaving her lying on the floor with her hands bound behind her.

"Goodnight beautiful Samantha." He said before leaving her.

The door clicked shut. One lock, two.

Tears were streaming down her face.


	10. Chapter 9

Ch.9

"Fin! We got him!" Alex said victorious as she made her way in to the squad room. "Guilty on all three counts!"

Alex stopped, looking from desk to desk at the four sets of eyes starring back at her.

Nick, Amanda, Finn, Munch… all sitting there silent, all looking at her.

"What?" Alex asked.

"Alex," Fin said rising from behind his desk.

"What? She asked again, her back stiffening. "What's wrong?"

She started to panic.

Could anyone tell she was starting to panic?

She knew it was something, she knew it was about HER.

Why else would they all be looking at her this way?

"Alex…" Fin said now standing in front of her. "Olivia… she's missing."

Alex looked at Fin, her deep blue eyes searing through her dark rimmed glasses. Then she looked to Amanda as if to confirm that Fin wasn't making some sort of sick joke.

"What do you mean she's missing?" Alex question, trying to keep her voice steady.

"Cragen got a call from the CIA, she hasn't checked in with her contact." Nick said now standing beside Fin.

"Ok. So she didn't check in, maybe she just got delayed. Why would they freak out so quickly and say she's missing? She's probably fine… and besides how can they just lose track of her?"

They all let her question, say what she needed to say.

They had asked each other the same questions.

Olivia was missing.

"Alex?"

Cragen appeared from behind his office door. "Alex, can I see you for moment?" He said motioning her in.

Alex marched in to Cragen's office barely giving him time to close the door before Alex began.

"Fin said she's missing. She's missing?" Alex asked still as if she didn't believe it, or couldn't process it. "What does that mean she's missing? Aren't they supposed to be watching her? How can they just say she's missing?"

"Alex! Alex!" Cragen said trying to calm her.

Alex paced, biting nervously at her thumbnail.

"Alex, you know they give very little information, but she was supposed to check in with her contact after she had landed…"

"Landed? Landed where?"

Pieces.

"All that was mentioned is that she was changing countries"

"Countries?"

Further and further away

"Where was she?"

"They wouldn't say."

"So she was traveling and she didn't check in when she arrived?"

"They have no record of her actually getting on the plane."

Alex glared at Cragen.

"How long… how long has she been missing? When was she supposed to meet her contact?" Alex asked reluctantly.

"A week ago."

Alex had stopped breathing; she backed away from Cragen searching for a place to sit down.

Anywhere that would stop her knees from faltering.

"Alex," Cragen said as he watched her fall on to the leather couch. "Alex, wherever Olivia is I'm sure she's fine. I'm sure she's ok. She has been in some tight situations and she has always gotten herself out of them. Trust that she's ok."

Alex looked up at him, the Captains words filtering through her.

She didn't believe him; she had said the words that Olivia was fine too many times.

Her nightmares were coming true.

AOAOAOAOAOAO

He came out of nowhere, he came in angry.

He had untied her hands from behind her back.

Her wrists sliced and bloody, her arms ached, and she was certain her shoulder was dislocated from falling to the hard floor.

He had lifted her to her feet, and she winced from the pain in her ribs, where he had kicked her repeatedly the day before.

Olivia tried desperately to shield herself from his angry fists, but she was completely overpowered when he slammed her again against the cement wall.

She fell once again to the ground and Lucas stood over her.

"Why are you doing this to me? Why don't you just kill me?" Olivia pleaded as she saw her own blood smeared on the floor.

"Why am I doing this to you?" Lucas said with a tight grin on his face. "Bishop was in love with you."

"What?" She asked confused if not more terrified.

"When I saw him with you I knew. He was different around you, he wasn't the way he was with the others."

"Others?" She asked playing dumb.

"Samantha don't be silly. You know there were many others, but you can be satisfied that you were different, you were the one that captured his heart."

"So you're punishing me because Gareth is in love with me?" She spat back.

"Samantha…" he said holding her attention, "your lover killed my wife!"

"What do you mean? Your wife? Who's your wife?" She asked confused.

"Bishop killed my wife, Celeste."

Olivia's breath hitched.

"Celeste." She managed to say as her lip quivered.

"Gareth Bishop stole my wife from me, he got her pregnant, and then he killed her."

"No, no…"

Lucas leaned in towards Olivia, his breath warm against her cold skin.

"I will punish you in the same way he beat my wife to a bloody pulp. Then I will kill you the way he murdered her, and her son."

Olivia looked at him horrified.

Her son.

"No please… please!" She pleaded.

Lucas placed his finger at her lips to quiet her.

"You don't have any children do you Samantha?

She shook her head no, thanking God for a moment that he hadn't answered her prayers.

"Samantha would you want a son? Your beautiful features… my blue eyes."

She shook her head no… backing away from him.

Tears were streaming down her cheeks.

He laughed, watching the fear come over her, watching her panic.

He walked away from her leaving her alone again as she cried.

Olivia cried out, harder as she heard the door lock.

She made it to her hands and knees before she threw up.


	11. Chapter 10

Posting as I write it! Thanks for the reviews!

Ch. 10

MI6, London, England.

Martin stood quietly in the elevator, as he waited patiently for the other passengers to step off at their respective floors.

He stood, gripping tightly the folder in his hand.

His meeting today with Agent West of the MI6 was to update their progress on a suspect in what they were calling the kidnapping of Samantha Gray.

She had been missing for two weeks.

He had been looking endlessly for her for two weeks.

Martin stood quietly outside the office of Agent West.

"Agent Martin? Agent West is ready for you."

Martin nodded with a polite smile as he made his way in to West's office.

"Agent Martin," West said shaking his hand and offering him a seat.

He sat.

"They drug Bishop's body out of the Seine River this morning." Agent West said, looking at the paperwork before her on her desk.

Martin took a deep breath, never shifting in his chair.

"So he never left Paris?"

"So it seems."

"Do they know how long he's been dead?"

"From what they could estimate from water decomposition at least a couple of days."

"Cause of death?

"Looks to be strangulation."

"Same as Celeste Quinn."

"Celeste Quinn? Who is she?"

Martin leaned in to West's desk and opened the folder he had brought with him.

He placed a picture in front of Agent West.

"Suspect?" She asked raising her brow.

"An Irishman by the name of Lucas Quinn. Using the descriptions Samantha gave me before she disappeared… he popped right up in the system.

"Connected to Bishop?"

"Seems Bishop's ex, and pregnant lover Celeste, was Mr. Quinn's wife."

"Was?" West asked intrigued.

"Found her dead before Samantha disappeared. Someone strangled her to death."

"Interesting." Agent West said dryly as she made a note.

"So you think Bishop killed Celeste?"

"I am almost certain of it and I believe Samantha thought so too."

"So you think Quinn had it out for Bishop and in return for Samantha?"

"I think if Lucas Quinn was feeling vengeful he would want to do the same thing that Gareth did to him?

"Agent Martin do you think Bishop was in love with Samantha?"

"No doubt. I saw the way he was with her. He was not the Bishop I knew previously."

"So Quinn kidnaps Samantha out of retaliation?"

"I think so."

West took a deep breath, pressing her elbows in to the desk.

"Daniel…" She said informally as she looked to him. "Bishop is dead. Don't you think Samantha is too?"

"Honestly the odds aren't in her favor. Quinn is a dangerous guy. A more than unethical line of work, criminal record a mile long… Seems he's a loose cannon. His temper has gotten him on Dublin's most wanted list. But if he has Samantha we can't assume that she's dead. We'll keep searching for her."

"Searching for her or for her body?"

"I owe it to her either way," Martin said as he stood up.

"My team and I have flights to Ireland this afternoon. Quinn's home that he shared Celeste is there. We can hope that he took Samantha there…" Martin informed.

Celeste was still sitting behind her desk.

"Good luck, Agent Martin."

He nodded, leaving.

AOAOAOAOAOAO

Alex tugged at the sleeves of her sweater, pulling them to her palms and latching them with her fingers.

She was holding on nervously tight.

She hadn't touched breakfast, she actually hadn't had much to eat of anything after finding out that Olivia had gone missing.

"Alex you have to eat."

"I'm really not that hungry Case. I'm fine."

"You can't just stop eating. You have to keep up your strength, and besides you too skinny as it is!"

Casey tried to make a joke, Alex only looked across the table at her.

"What if she's dead Casey? What if I'm sitting here having my latte and my eggs and she's dead?"

"Alex stop that! Don't say that! She's not dead."

"Standing there in the squad room, you should have seen their faces… They think she's dead."

"What? Why do you think they think that?"

"The looks on their faces. They were grieving."

"Alex they were in shock that she's missing. They don't think she's dead!"

"Do you think she is?"

"No. And I have no reason to think that."

Alex bit at her bottom lip, loosing herself in her thoughts.

"Alex?"

"When I walked in to the squad room the other day, they all starred at me, all waiting for my reaction to finding out she was missing… I tried. I tried to be stoic, I tried not to freak out…"

"Alex, she's your her best friend! You're allowed to freak out."

"But even at that moment when I wanted to cry, when I wanted to be so angry, I tried to stay calm. Even in that moment I didn't want to blurt out how much I loved her and that if something had happened to her I couldn't take it…" Alex bit at her bottom lip again. "Even then I couldn't tell them that I thought I would be sick because I loved her that much and the thought…" Alex stopped.

"Alex, you allowed to react, you're allowed to be worried about her. And besides if you blurted out right then that you were in love with her… do you really care what their reactions would be?"

Alex sniffled as she gave muddled laugh.

"That's all I need is Olivia Benson kicking my ass when she gets back because I confessed to SVU that I was in love with her."

Casey gave a slight smile.

"What?

"You said when she gets back."

Alex folded her arms across her chest and finally took another sip of coffee.

"Sorry for the dramatic outbursts."

"Perfectly acceptable considering the circumstances."

"I just wish we knew something. Not knowing anything, not having any information feels unbearable."

"Maybe no news in good news."

Alex looked at Casey.

"Or maybe not. But it doesn't help thinking the worst."

"I know, I know. I'll stop it."

"Alex they're looking for her day and night. They'll find her soon and then she'll be back here with you."


	12. Chapter 11

**Totally fudging this whole CIA thing, but ya know this is fan fiction so go with me! Ha!**

**Also I'll be traveling tomorrow through the holiday so I'll try and get an update in sometime, but not promising. :/ Will definitely have your AO for you in the New Year though :D **

**Thanks for the reviews and I wish you all a very happy holiday! -M**

Ch.11

She sat, her knees pressed against her chest.

The silence driving her mad.

Her thoughts driving her mad.

Fear and anger ruled her every dizzy thought.

She had wrapped the blood stained blanket around herself as she had shivered through the night from her lack of clothing in the damp basement.

She hadn't seen Lucas in what she thought was days ago, when he had brought her food.

He brought her food and when she declined it, he hit her repeatedly, "punishing her" as he called it, then shoving her in to the wall.

More cuts.

More blood.

More bruises.

Another day.

Why hadn't she seen him again?

Not that she was looking forward to his visits, but she knew it was well in to another day.

Too much time had past for it to not be another day.

She squeezed her eyes shut unable to stop the pounding in her head.

She tried to stand only to fall to her knees throwing up what was left of the contents in her stomach.

She lay down on the cool cement, her head pounding against the ground.

She laid there, her breath labored trying to regain her strength to sit up again.

Maybe Lucas had left her? Maybe he wasn't come back? Maybe she really would die here.

She had begged him several times to kill her, to just go ahead and do what he wanted to do.

It would be quick instead of leaving her here to die slowly.

But maybe that's what he wanted; maybe he wanted her to die slowly, painfully.

Delirium was setting in.

She had been talking out loud about her life.

In to an empty room.

She had spent a life of self-pity; thinking she should have never been born.

A mother who constantly reminded her of the anguish her presents caused her…

A guarded, self-protected life that mostly kept her from finding the love she wanted, the love she needed.

She was thinking now how she missed that life.

She was anxious to run from it almost a year ago, anxious to step out of her life and in to someone else.

In to Samantha Gray's life.

She had wanted to leave everything that had become too complicated.

Her life, her love, her loss.

Her job was tired. She was worn and had grown angry to the daily dismay of human kind.

She had lost Elliot by her side. And it was now just something that she had to "get over". He had his own life, his own decisions, his own demons.

Her failed relationship with David Hayden, a man that was different, a good man she had fallen in love with… again, the job took that away.

And then there was Alexandra Cabot.

In and out of her life, a best friend that captured her heart, that filled the emptiness inside of her like no one ever had.

She left her life as to not add Alex to the list of people she had ruined, ran away from, lost.

It was quiet, only hauntingly made up sounds.

The silence driving her mad.

Her thoughts driving her mad.

AOAOAOAOAO

They had found Lucas Quinn.

They had watched his every move from outside of his home in Dublin.

11 hours straight of watching him from every angle possible.

No suspicious behavior, no Samantha.

When his front door opened, Lucas walked out, got in his car… they trailed him.

His stops, his routes all dictated.

No signs of Samantha, no signs of trouble.

Nothing suspicious until Lucas strayed from his route taking a right turn off of the main road.

"You have an eye on him?" Martin asked in to thin air as he rode in the backseat of the Range Rover two cars back.

"We've still got him. There is a cottage on the hill ahead." Martin heard from his earpiece.

"Men this may be it, this may be where he has her. Be prepared for anything."

As soon as Martin finished his words, Lucas suddenly took a sharp turn off the gravel road, making a quick turn around, speeding past the first car following him…

"Fuck! He's made us, he's running!"

"Stay on him! Don't loose him! We're going to the cottage!" Martin yelled.

They sped down the gravel road breaking from the rest of the team. Martin and the men in his car prepared themselves for whatever they would find ahead.

"You still have him?" Martin questioned.

"We're still on him!"

Martin then sat silent looking at the cottage ahead of him.

"I don't have to remind you our number one priority is finding her." Martin said with authority.

By the time they made it within a 100 yards of the house, Martin and his team crept up the driveway unsure if they would meet anyone at the cottage.

They got out of the car and split up, surveying around the house.

"Any sign of her?" Martin asked.

"Looks quiet."

"She has to be in there. Quinn hasn't made any suspicious moves until today. She has to be in here."

"How do you want to go in?" he heard from his earpiece.

"Lets try a back door. It may just be a simple break in."

It was.

Martin and his team swarmed the seemingly empty house.

"This is an old cottage, we're looking for an under ground passage, a wine seller… check everywhere."

The men rummaged through the house.

Every corner, behind large pieces of furniture…

The bedroom.

"Martin! We've got something!" Came voice blaring through the house.

Martin ran towards the sound of the voice.

Martin looked to the large portrait of the familiar brunette leaning against the wall in the bedroom.

"That Celeste?"

"Yes." Martin answered almost reverently.

When he answered his team pushed the portrait aside revealing a small door.

A door that led to old wooden stairs.

Martin went first, his gun gripped tightly in his hand.

He crept down the stairs, his team behind him.

There she was.

Samantha.

Olivia.

He ran to the limp body that was pressed against the concrete.

"Samantha! Samantha!" he called out with urgency.

"We've got her!" One of the men yelled back.

Martin checked her pulse, relived to feel her heart beating against his fingers.

He surveyed her body.

She had been beaten repeatedly and the gashes in several places on her head, matched the bloodstains against the stone wall.

"Samantha! Can you hear me? Samantha?" he said not wanting to disrupt her too much.

Olivia suddenly mumbled.

Her words inaudible.

She tried to push Martin away, but her arms failed her.

"No, no Samantha it's ok. It's me Martin. We'll get you out of here."

She mumbled her words again, but this time holding on to Martin's sleeve.

The last two days that she thought she was talking out loud to herself she had only been mumbling, only having conversation in her mind.

"I don't know if anything is broken. He said looking back to one of his men, but we have to get out of here."

Before his team could respond, Martin scooped her up and made his way up the stairs.

When they finally made it in to the back of the car with Olivia, they let the rest of the team know, "We've got her!"

Olivia had opened her swollen eyes, looking frightened at Martin.

"Samantha you're ok, you'll be ok. It's over, it's over." He assured her.

"What about Quinn?" Martin bellowed.

A split second of silence went out in to the air.

"We lost him."

AOAOAOAOAOA

A knock on Alex's office door.

"Yes?" She said looking up from her trial notes.

A man in an expensive suit stood in the open door way.

"Ms. Cabot?"

Alex stood from her chair.

"Yes? "Can I help you with something?"

"May I?' The man asked before closing the door.

Alex nodded in approval.

"Ms. Cabot I am Agent Michael Thomas, I am with the CIA." He said flashing her his credentials. "We were updating Captain Cragen on the status of Ms. Olivia Benson and he said it would best to inform you on the status as well."

Alex's eyes widened.

"Olivia?" Seeped out of her mouth.

"Ms. Cabot, she has been found." He said straight faced.

Alex for a moment couldn't say anything. The lump in her throat had told her that Agent Thomas was coming to tell her Olivia was dead.

She swallowed hard, fighting tears.

"She's, she's ok?" she stammered.

"She's alive. We know that much. She has been taken to a hospital in Dublin. Her CIA informant is with her.

"Hospital? She's in Dublin?"

"Ms. Cabot, I was informed that you are a former WitSec, as well as Ms. Benson's contact if needed, and she was no longer on assignment. And I will trust as an officer of the court, as well as for Ms. Benson's utmost safety you will understand that what I am about to inform you will be completely confidential."

"Yes of course. Of course it will."

"She is in a hospital in Dublin, Ireland. She was transported there after agents found her in the basement in a cottage in Dublin. She had been there for several weeks after being kidnapped in Paris."

"She was in Paris?" Alex repeated letting it sink in.

"Yes ma'am," was all Agent Thomas said.

"I have to go to Dublin! I have to see her!"

"Ma'am it sensitive at the moment. Her identity as Olivia Benson is still protected and unknown, as well as her alias is now in jeopardy as well… Her captor is still out there."

"What? Does he know she was rescued? Does he know where to find her?" Alex asked panicked.

"No ma'am. She has been taken to the hospital under great security. When she is in stable enough condition, she will be transported to a larger hospital in London where she can "disappear". As of now she is hidden in the depth of the hospital in Dublin under a second alias."

"You said she's no longer under assignment, what do I have to do to get to see her?" Alex asked anxiously.

Agent Thomas straightened, preparing to leave.

"We will be expecting you at the CIA offices in two hours. Pack your bags and tell absolutely no one you are leaving."


	13. Chapter 12

**Sorry for the delay, I had planned to be home Friday from the holidays and didn't get home until today! Thank you all so much for the reviews from the last chapter! Here is chapter 12, and I'll post 13 sometime tonight!**

Ch.12

Two hours.

She had two hours before she had to be at the CIA offices.

She had spent the first 45 minutes of those two at her office between her secretary and talking to Donnelly.

She requested an extended leave of absence and she couldn't tell Donnelly why…

Word had spread, and Donnelly knew Olivia had gone missing. She also knew Alex had been out of her mind worrying about her.

Under Alex's lack of explanation, Donnelly decided not to ask too many questions under the assumption that she already knew the answers. And she also knew she wasn't going to stop Alex from going to Olivia if she was found.

All she said to Alex was that she would 'have her cases taken care of and to please be careful.'

Alex thanked her profusely for understanding and for maybe not questioning her further.

Back at her apartment, Alex had packed her life in a suitcase and an oversized purse.

In her frazzled state, she found herself amused knowing what to take, what to leave when packing.

Being a Witness Protection alum, she knew what she could bring, what they would take away from her.

Two hours had passed and Alex sat in a cold sterile room at the CIA much like the one Olivia sat in while trading in her life almost a year ago.

Alex sat, her bags neatly by her side, ready to go.

"Ms. Cabot." Agent Thomas said addressing her.

"Agent Thomas," she said about to stand before her motioned for her to continue sitting.

"I know you're anxious to get to Dublin, but we have to go over a few very important things…"

Alex immediately picked up her bag, opening her wallet.

"My passport, drivers license, credit cards… everything is here." She said as if she had become a professional at giving up her identity.

The agent gave a slight grin before he continued.

He placed her new passport, ID, etc. on the table.

"Your name is Caroline Hutton. When you arrive in Dublin to see Olivia you will say that you are there to see your friend Kate Taylor who has been in a car accident."

Alex nodded understanding.

"You will refer to Olivia as Kate whenever speaking to anyone, even her informant." Thomas slid a picture in front of Alex. "This is her informant, Agent Daniel Martin. He only knows her identity as Samantha Gray. He too now calls her Kate for safety reasons."

Agent Thomas then slid another picture in front of Alex. "This is Lucas Quinn." He let Alex take a moment to study the picture. "He is the one who kidnapped Olivia."

Alex swallowed hard and clinched her fists at the now sight of the man.

"Ms. Cabot, you have to understand that he is a dangerous man that is still out there. He is a wanted man in Ireland as well as in France, and he is now wanted by the United States for kidnapping, and the attempted murder of Olivia Benson, a.k.a. Samantha Gray. Alex, if you see this man, you calmly get away from him. You let Agent Martin know immediately. If anything is suspicious or just doesn't feel right, you let Agent Martin know. You will only trust agent Martin."

Agent Thomas paused for a moment letting Alex take it all in.

"I know this is a lot of information to obtain and you will at least have the plane ride to review."

Alex nodded again. It was a lot to take in, a lot to handle. But she would do anything at this point to get to Olivia.

Even change her identity.

Agent Thomas sat back in his chair as Alex gathered her things from the table.

"I wanted you to know I was the one who brought Olivia in, introduced her to her knew identity… I put her the plane to Paris.

"You know Olivia?"

"She's very impressive. And I have great faith in her that she will get through this. And I'll be here when you bring her home."

Alex gave him a slight smile as she thought of Olivia.

"Agent Thomas, no one has really told me how she is, do you know what condition she's in? I mean they wouldn't just allow me to go to her if this wasn't dire"

He paused hoping he would deliver what he had to say gently.

"Ms. Cabot," he said looking down at his notes, reading to her verbatim. "She has been in and out of consciousness due to severe head trauma. When conscious she is agitated and incoherent. A dislocated shoulder, broken wrist, broken and bruised ribs… " He paused again, "and there were signs of sexual trauma as well."

Alex physically moved back in her chair, a sick feeling rising in her throat.

Michael looked at Alex, his eyes telling her he was sorry.

"There are still unsure how she is doing physiologically. They won't really know until she is coherent. As of this last report, she seems confused and has been non-responsive to questions or the people around her, this is most likely due to shock. They're hoping her seeing you will allow her some familiarity and comfort and bring her back to a state of coherency.

Alex's elbows rested on the table, her face to her open palms.

It was if for a moment she needed to grieve for Olivia.

Grieve for the state she was in, and prepare herself for what she would see when she arrived in Dublin.

"Ms. Cabot are you ok?"

She looked up her eyes tear stained though she had withheld the tears from falling down her cheeks.

"I'm fine, I'm fine, are we ready?" She said composing herself.

Agent Thomas shook his head.

"A driver will take you to the airport, here are you tickets and flight information."

Alex took the envelope in her hand as she now followed Thomas to the parking garage, making the same walk Olivia had.

"Alex, our thoughts are with you and Olivia."

Alex gave a slight, nervous smile.

"A car will meet you at the airport in Dublin and take you to the hospital. Agent Martin will be informed of your arrival to the hospital. He will meet you and take you to Olivia."

Alex nodded, thanking Michael.

"Good luck Caroline," he said closing the car door.

AOAOAOAOAOAOAO

Alex buckled her seat belt and settled in to her seat on the plane.

The sun was beginning to set and she knew she had a long flight ahead.

She held the information Michael had given her tucked tightly in her lap and she tugged gently at the gold necklace around her neck.

She again tried to blink back the tears, though unsuccessful thinking of Olivia. She was full of uncertainty about what she would find when she would get to her.

She was trying to prepare herself for every emotion possible and for every scenario possible.

How would Olivia be physically? How would she be mentally? All the fear Alex had that her time undercover would change Olivia was overcome by what she had been through in the last few weeks.

Would Olivia ever be the same?

AOAOAOAOAOAOAOAO

Martin stood at the end of the bed watching her.

Watching every breath she took.

His friend.

Though he didn't even know the true identity of Samantha Gray, she had become his friend.

He had done this job for years.

The liaison to many.

There was something different about Samantha.

There was a darkness in her eyes… but a lightness in her spirit. It was something that made her brave, but more sympathetic than the others.

The day, the last day he had seen her in her apartment in Paris, he was sure he had caught a glimpse of the person behind Samantha.

Her relaxed look, her genuine laughter… the mention of her love, Alex and New York.

A small insight in to a woman that really existed a world away.

Now, here she was lying there, her face swollen, with matching cuts and bruises on her arms and legs. Her head bandaged, stitched up from the gashes made from a stonewall, her arm immobilized, her wrist bandaged.

Her rape kit positive.

She was a woman who had lived through torture, and now only she had to wake up to the reality of it all.

And from just what Martin knew of her, he knew she would survive this.

It was that darkness in her eyes that told him she was a survivor.

He was certain it wouldn't be easy, the nightmares, the repercussions of everything Lucas Quinn had done to her.

But she would survive.

She had so far, and survived more than he knew.

His friend, he watched every breath she took.


	14. Chapter 13

Ch. 13

Clockwork

Everything worked like clockwork.

Her new identity, the car that picked her up from the airport and took her to the hospital… everything as planned.

She stepped inside the hospital and a much more handsome man than his CIA I.D., walked towards her.

"Caroline?"

"Yes?"

Martin reached out his hand to Alex. "Daniel Martin."

"Pleased to meet you," Alex said shaking Martin's hand.

"I know you must be very anxious to see Kate?" He said before escorting Alex to the hospital elevators.

When they stood in the cart he swiped a special key card and the elevator made its way up.

Martin glanced at her, then smiling a genuine smile.

"What?" Alex questioned as she stood beside him.

"I have to be honest when they said someone was coming to be with Kate, I thought it would be the man she spoke of so fondly."

"A man?" Alex asked inquisitively.

That could be anyone she guessed.

Elliot, David, Cragen, Fin… hell Cassidy.

"Yes, she mentioned his name was Alex."

Alex's expression changed as she smiled widened as she looked straight ahead and away from Martin.

"Oh, oh you're… you're a woman." Alex looked back at him. "I mean obviously you're a woman, I apologize for the assumption that you..."

Alex smiled again.

"It's a common mistake I get it all the time… and I'm glad to hear she spoke fondly of me."

"She mentioned that she was in love with you." Martin said as he watched as the grin on Alex's face fade.

"Did I say something wrong?"

"No, no I'm actually in love with her as well. I've just never had the chance to tell her."

The door to the elevator opened and they stepped in to the empty hallway.

"Caroline? "Martin said, saying her name as if to assure that she was back in character. "I need to prepare you for Kate's condition."

Alex stopped turning her attention to Martin.

"Thomas gave me an update in New York."

"She has been in and out on consciousness the last two days. When she is conscious I have to warn you that she has been severely confused about where she is and what has happened to her. Some may be due to the concussions that went untreated, or it could be shock."

"Martin I can handle this… I just want to see her ok." Alex said almost impatiently.

"Caroline…" Martin said stopping her. His voice now more quiet. "He beat her, tortured her for weeks."

Alex swallowed hard looking at Martin.

Martin shook his head making sure she was ready despite her earlier eagerness.

Alex shook her head, now following down the long empty corridor.

Martin once again swiped a card to open at the large doors at the end of the hallway.

"It's all for her, and now your safety." He said noticing Alex was becoming a little uneasy seeing the seriousness and security involved in where they had placed Olivia. "She's in there," He said pointing to the closed door.

Alex looked at the armed guard as well as the nurse sitting not 20 feet away.

"They had to sedate her earlier because she had become too agitated and couldn't rest, but she can hear you… I'll be out here if you need me." Martin said, now walking away to give Alex space.

Alex stood at the door for a moment. She had never been so anxious, yet so scared.

She placed one palm on the wooden door and the other hand on the door handle.

One last breath before she knew the perspective of her world would change.

She opened the door to see her lying there.

She walked forward and the sound of the door shutting was on cue with the first stream of tears that fell down Alex's face.

She missed her she missed Olivia so much. God, she loved her so much… and there she was.

Her face swollen, her head bandaged… her arm wrapped up and immobilized. Her who body black and blue, underlined with yellow that surely meant new bruises covered the old.

She had never seen Olivia that way.

Never seen her hurt, broken.

Never seen her after she had literally been through hell.

Alex tried to wipe the steady flow of tears from her cheeks as she walked towards her.

Olivia's eyes were shut tight.

Alex reached for her hand. She quickly noticed the scabs that were forming on some of the more shallow cuts on her wrists as well as the severe bruising.

Alex opened her mouth to speak, but no words came. She had a million things to say to Olivia, but nothing seemed right, nothing at that very second seemed like it could comfort Olivia, ease the pain she had to be in.

She ran the back of her hand down Olivia's bruised, swollen cheek, she then brushed the skin of her "good" forearm and back down to her fingers.

Feeling her, touching her as if to make sure she was really there.

To know she was alive no matter what.

Alex pulled sat down in the chair beside her bed, holding her hand, intertwining her fingers with Olivia's.

Alex cried.

That's all she could seem to do at that very moment.

Every thing she had imagined, every terrible thing was lying there in an almost unrecognizable face.

"I love you Liv." Alex whispered before pressing her lips in to Olivia's palm. "And we have so much to talk about, so much to tell each other… I need to tell you how much I love you, how long I've been in love with you." Alex wiped her tears with sleeve. " You're going to be ok you hear me? I'm here now, we're here together, and we'll get through this… I promise."


	15. Chapter 14

Ch. 14

Alex awoke, her neck stiff from sleeping awkwardly in the chair at Olivia's bedside.

She looked up to see a nurse checking Olivia's IV.

"I'm sorry I woke you, the nurse said in a thick Irish accent.

"No, it's fine… how is she?"

"She seems to be doing a bit better this morning. She had a good nights rest under sedation and she has stirred a bit this morning, though she has yet to wake up. Just changing out her fluids and we still have her on a low dose of pain medication..."

Alex nodded as she began to sit up to see Olivia.

She realized a blanket had been laid on top of her sometime during the night.

"Mr. Martin insisted that you not be disturbed last night and requested that we just get you a blanket, that you wouldn't want to leave Ms. Taylor."

Alex gave a slight smile shaking her head, taking Olivia's hand in hers.

"Thank you for the blanket, I have no intention of leaving her."

"I'm sure when she wakes she will be happy to see you, she's been through so much." The nurse said sympathetically.

Alex looked at Olivia swiping her hair from her face.

"Do you think Kate will wake up soon?"

"The sedation should completely wear off any time now."

The nurse looked at Alex, "I'll see if I can get you a little something for breakfast."

"You don't have to…"

"It's my pleasure. My name is Maggie and you can call for me if you need me."

"Caroline," Alex said with a smile, "and thank you."

AOAOAOAOAO

It wasn't long before Maggie brought Alex back a coffee and some breakfast.

Hospital food or not, Alex thanked Maggie for caring for the both of them.

Alone again, Alex sipped on her coffee as she took inventory once again of the cuts and bruises on Olivia's face and arms, and how they were beginning to heal.

Alex had yet to see the rest of Olivia's body that was hidden under the bed covers. Part of her she was sure she didn't want to see, the other part of her wouldn't look without Olivia's permission.

She noticed Olivia's breathing had become a bit more erratic.

Alex sat down her coffee before sitting on the bed beside Olivia, taking her hand again.

Alex touched her gently, trying to sooth her.

"It's ok… it's ok."

Olivia began to mumble quietly, her words inaudible.

Her hand twitching in Alex's hand.

"Liv?" Alex whispered. "Liv? Honey?"

Olivia stirred again, this time opening her eyes.

Groggy at first, she focused and looked directly at Alex.

Alex smiled a soft small. "Hi."

Olivia's eyes widened.

"Hi there," Alex said again softly.

Olivia began to shake her head, "No, no," she said as she began to panic. "No…"

Olivia tried to sit up.

"Hey, hey it's ok, it's ok." Alex said reaching for Olivia to calm her, to stop her from getting up.

"What are you doing here? He'll hurt you… you have to go away. He'll find you, you have to get out of here" She begged, her voice still hoarse.

"It's ok, you're safe, we're safe." Alex said trying to comfort her.

"No, no…" Olivia said tears streaming down her face.

"Liv, sweetheart I'm fine and we're safe here!"

Olivia looked around, seeing where she was, that she wasn't underground anymore.

"Where is he?" Olivia asked her eyes dark.

Alex took a deep breath.

"Lucas? They haven't found him yet."

Olivia began to shake her head again, "no, Alex no, he'll be back. And he'll get you, hurt you."

"Shh, it's ok. We're ok here." Alex said trying again to calm Olivia.

"Martin… Martin is here. He's just outside the door. You're under protection and I'm under an alias and they've changed yours… no one knows you're here."

Hearing of Martin and his presents seemed to noticeably calm Olivia.

"How did you get here?"

"They let me come be with you after they found you."

Olivia looked around. "Where are we?" Olivia asked confused.

"A hospital in Dublin, where they found you."

"Dublin? I was in, I was in Paris…"

Tears were still continually falling down Olivia's face and Alex reached for a tissue to try catch the tears that had fallen.

"They told me you were in Paris."

"He took me to Dublin?" Olivia asked confused.

"They found you in the cellar of a cottage that belonged to Quinn's mother."

"Quinn?"

"His name is Lucas Quinn."

Olivia went silent, thinking.

She looked away from Alex and then back to her.

"You need to go. You need to go home. He's a bad man Alex, and if something happens to you…"

"Liv, nothing is going to happen to me. And I'm not leaving you, I don't ever want to leave you."

"Alex, he raped me." Olivia said coldly. "Did they do a rape kit? He didn't use protection. He raped me, over and over."

Now tears were falling from Alex's eyes.

"I know he did. They did a rape kit, so far your tests have come back negative for anything, but it may be too soon to tell if you're…"

Alex watched Olivia's squeeze her eyes tight.

She reached for Olivia's hand, pulling it to her lips, kissing her palm softly.

"The test was negative, they'll test you again to be sure."

"Alex I…"

"Liv, don't, just don't ok." Alex said knowing what Olivia was thinking.

Thinking that it was too soon to tell if she was pregnant with her rapist's baby.

Thinking that history was repeating itself.

Olivia again looked away. She could see the dreary sky seeping through the window shades.

Alex sat there for the longest time, by her side never letting go of Olivia's hand.

"My name is Caroline Hutton," Alex said emotionless, "you're new alias is Kate Taylor."

Olivia looked back at Alex.

"Why do you want to be here with me? Why would you do this to yourself? To your life?"

"Because I got your letter." Alex said giving Olivia a shy smile.

"Alex." Olivia began to protest.

Alex leaned down to Olivia placing a soft kiss to her lips.

Olivia went to open her mouth to speak, but Alex quickly quieted her.

"Liv, I've wanted you too for a long time, I've been in love with you for an incredibly long time. I've denied it, ignored it, hell I've run from it. But after your letter, I promised myself I wouldn't miss another chance when you came back." Alex said caressing Olivia's cheek. "I just had to get you back, to tell you I felt the same."

Olivia gave Alex a soft smile.

"So you came for me?"

"As soon as I could."

"I don't want you getting hurt or something to happen to you, or for you to regret coming here."

"I've regretted too much already. Being here with you is the best decision I've ever made."

Alex leaned in kissing Olivia again.

Olivia's necklace around Alex's neck drug across Olivia's throat.

Olivia reached for the necklace.

"It made me feel like you were with me." Alex said reaching to take the necklace off.

Olivia stopped her.

"I love that you're wearing it, don't stop."

Alex grinned, pressing the gold pendant against her chest.

"Liv, we'll get through this, whatever happens we'll get through this."


	16. Chapter 15

**Such great reviews guys! Thank you so much! Some of you really made my day with your comments :)**

Ch.15

"I don't know who's worse you or her." Olivia said to Martin as she looked over at Alex. "You both need to get some sleep… in a bed, not in a chair, not in this hospital."

"I have the distinct feeling that neither Caroline nor I are going anywhere. We're both happy to see you."

"It's your duty to stay with me isn't it?" Olivia teased.

"It may be, but I've become quite fond of you and I have no intentions of you going missing again on my watch."

Olivia rolled her eyes giving Martin a slight smile.

"The doc said I could get out of here soon."

"A couple more days." Alex spoke up, clarifying.

Olivia made a face.

"She hates hospitals." Alex said taking Olivia's hand from her chair.

"I don't know of anyone that particularly loves them, but until they're sure about that head of yours." Martin said.

"I'm fine." Olivia protested.

"You were out for two days… you need time to rest. The CIA is footing bill, so rest!"

Alex looked up at Martin, grinning. She liked that he got Olivia.

She liked that he was putting a positive spin on the truth.

That yes she needed time to recover from her head injury, yes it didn't hurt to giver her arm recuperation time…

But he didn't mention the trauma of being raped, the consequences, the aftermath.

But he knew.

"They haven't found Lucas?" Olivia asked her eyes never reaching Martin's.

"Not yet." Martin said shoving his hands in to his pockets.

"Do you think he's still in Dublin?" Olivia asked her voice weak.

"We think so, his contacts are here so he probably hasn't gone far. It's just a matter of time before we get him."

Olivia shook her head to respond.

"What about Gareth?" She asked, mind clearly wrapped up in thoughts of him.

Martin took his hands from his pockets, clearly hesitating. He looked over at Alex and then back to her.

"He's dead."

Olivia swallowed the lump in her throat and physically clinched her fists shut.

"How?"

"He had been strangled, found him in the Seine River."

"Like Celeste?" Olivia asked, putting the pieces together.

Martin sat down on the edge of Olivia's bed.

"Samantha, Celeste was Lucas' wife."

"What?" she said confused.

"We think Lucas murdered Gareth in retaliation for Gareth killing Celeste."

Martin watched as Olivia physically took a heavy breath.

Letting it sink in.

All of it.

"And the money laundering, the babies?"

Alex glared at Olivia at the questions she was asking, not knowing the details.

The details of her operation.

"After they found Gareth, it seems the operation fell apart… We arrested men in his organization, closed down the club in Paris… his number two confessed in a plea deal."

"Celeste's baby?"

Martin shook his head no, not needing to explain further.

Alex looked confused but didn't dare ask.

"Hey, you just focus on getting better ok?" Martin said leaning in, before standing once again. "You don't need to worry about Lucas, we'll get him, I promise. You just need to take care of yourself, and let Caroline take care of you."

Martin squeezed Olivia's hand and then looked to Alex.

"I'll be outside if you need me."

"Thanks Martin," Alex said sincerely before he left the room.

Alex sat beside Olivia on the bed.

"Liv?"

Olivia was biting her lip.

"Tell me what you're thinking."

Olivia looked away for a moment, tears welling in her eyes. She then looked back at Alex.

"He didn't hurt me. Gareth… He was… really good to me, kind. He did everything to make me feel like I was the most important woman in the world… And I just couldn't wrap my head around him being a bad man though all the signs were around me, though Celeste warned me."

"Maybe he felt differently about you? Maybe he cared about you?" Alex reasoned.

"That's what I told myself. I told myself that maybe I was different than the other women, and that was why he made me feel the way I did for him."

Alex sat up, her spine tightening, her jaw clinched as she listened what Olivia was saying.

"Did you fall in love with him?" Alex asked bluntly.

"No… no. I just, he wasn't a bad man to me. Celeste told me I was just another woman he would use to get pregnant and take the baby. She said I was his type, and I was. I clearly was. Even Celeste and I had oddly similar features. But still I trusted him in some weird way, I didn't think he would kill me…"

"Wouldn't kill you like he killed Celeste?" Alex said, then immediately regretting her sarcastic tone.

Olivia looked up at Alex.

She looked at the look on her face, the look of horror in her eyes.

"Alex I didn't fall in love with him. I get it, it was all a mind fuck, but…" Olivia looked away. "He's dead, it doesn't matter."

"Liv, honey it does matter. It does ok... " Alex leaned down gently kissing Olivia's hurt shoulder.

Before Alex could continue her thoughts, a nurse making the bath rounds knocked and peered through the door.

"I hope I'm not interrupting?"

"No," Alex said solemnly looking back at the nurse.

"Ms. Taylor it's time for your bath."

Olivia looked panicked at the nurse.

"No, thank you, I'm fine. I can shower myself."

"Ms. Taylor, you need another day before you're up. It's still in the orders to keep you in bed."

Alex saw the look on Olivia's face.

"If you wouldn't mind just leave everything here I will help her." Alex said now standing with authority.

The nurse shook her head ok. "But no getting out of bed."

"No ma'am," Alex said with a now gentle smile.

The nurse left the room leaving the supplies for Olivia's bath.

"Sorry, that was just to get her go away… I mean I will help if you want me to help you, but I knew you didn't want her giving you a sponge bath and…"

"Alex." Olivia said stopping her rambling. "It's ok."

"I obviously was out cold the first time Nurse Rub A Dub, Dub was here. I think I would have remembered such an intimate encounter."

Olivia's ever present humor.

Alex let out a slight laugh. "I know, not exactly the most modest of things." Alex said gathering the tub and taking it in to the adjoining bathroom.

"Ok how should we do this?" Alex said coming back with a pan fulfilled with water.

"I can probably get most get most of it done myself." Olivia said trying to sit up, and immediately feeling dizzy.

"Liv?" Alex said quickly sitting the pan down and tending to her.

"I'm ok, just a little dizzy."

"Can I just…" Alex's voice lowered, "just let me help you ok?"

Olivia looked at Alex then nodded her head ok.

Alex walked over to the door and locked it, then pushing up her sleeves.

"Can I?" Alex said alluding to the blanket that covered Olivia's lower half.

Olivia looked at Alex again, her eyes dark.

"I… I got pretty banged up."

"I know." Alex said sympathetically.

"I don't want to scare you or freak you out if it looks bad, I'm fine."

"Yeah, I know you are." Alex said giving Olivia a shy smile.

With a nod of approval, Olivia helped Alex push down the blanket, where she and Alex both looked at her bare legs.

Bruised, cut, her knees and ankles raw from the cement.

"Maybe we shouldn't. Maybe I should let the nurse…" Olivia said seeing at the look on Alex's face.

"No… it's just… I'm ok, if you're ok." Alex said letting the image sink in to her brain.

"Yeah, I'm ok." Olivia said quietly.

Alex wanted to cry.

Cry for Olivia.

Instead, she began to drag the wet cloth down Olivia's bare legs.

"Too warm?"

"Feels… just right."

Alex noticed the chipped red nail polish on her toes.

The tips of her toes were raw as well, as if she had been drug.

Alex didn't ask.

She wouldn't ask.

"Will you let me know if I'm hurting you?"

"It doesn't hurt. I can't feel it anymore."

Alex continued, though she watched Olivia's face, her expressions.

She wondered if what she had just said was more truth than she let on.

Did it not hurt anymore because she wasn't allowing herself to feel anything?

Olivia felt Alex's hands on her as she crept further above her knee and stopped, quickly and noticeably pulling away and then taking Olivia's arm in her hand to bathe.

"Alex."

"I'm hurting you?" She asked, stopping abruptly.

Olivia took hold of Alex's hand.

"No, you're not hurting me." Olivia said capturing Alex's eyes with hers.

Olivia took a noticeable deep breath.

"You've never… it's silly considering the circumstances, but you've never seem me naked, never touched me."

"But I've wanted to. Doesn't that count for something?" Alex grinned, trying for a bit of humor.

Olivia smiled, then her face turned serious again.

"And I want you to touch me, see me naked, but I don't want the image of me, the way I look right now to make you not want to see me again."

"Liv. I've wanted you for so long and a few bruises and scrapes aren't going to make me not want to touch you, want you. Liv, I know you will heal and even if you didn't I'm in love with you.

"You're really in love with me?

Alex smiled.

"Yes, I'm really in love with you." Alex said squeezing Olivia's hand in hers. "I want you to be ok, be ok with me being here, with me touching you, helping you. I know we've never, I've never touched you like this and I wish it were under different circumstances… But Liv you have to know I would do anything for you and I would never do anything that made you feel less than."

"I know you wouldn't and I trust you more than anyone. It's just not the way I envisioned you touching me for the first time."

"You envisioned me touching you?" Alex teased trying to lighten the conversation.

Olivia actually let out a small breathy laugh.

Alex leaned in giving Olivia a simple kiss.

Olivia reached up tugging at the neck of her hospital gown.

Alex helped her, pulling the gown down past her shoulders, her arms.

Her back, her chest, her breathtaking body marred by yellowing bruises.

Alex began to run the wash across Olivia's shoulders, down her chest, across her ample breasts.

"You're so insanely beautiful."

The words seeped from Alex's lips.

"How can you say that? Look at me?"

"I'm looking… you're stunning."

Tears formed in Olivia's eyes as she looked at Alex.

Alex brushed the cloth down Olivia belly and pulled gently at the hospital gown left covering her.

She didn't have on underwear.

Alex continued to bathe her.

Suddenly Olivia began to have flashes of no underwear on.

Lucan Quinn had taken them from her.

Raped her.

Tears began to stream down her cheeks

"Liv…?" Alex said quickly stopping. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." Olivia said unconvincingly.

"Baby we can stop. I'll stop."

"I can't… ok. I can't..." Olivia said panicking.

Alex quickly grabbed Olivia's hospital gown and covered her.

Alex sat down on the bed, pressing her cheek against Olivia's to comfort her.

In hopes to clam her.

"It's ok, it's ok." Alex said pulling back to wipe Olivia's tears from her cheeks.

"Can you get me some underwear? I, I really need to get some…. He took mine."

The look on Olivia's face.

Alex thought she was going be sick as she swallowed back the bile in her throat.


	17. Chapter 16

Ch16.

Alex had slept next to Olivia in her hospital bed for the second night. Without words they had both found a comfort in having each other.

Olivia felt safe.

Alex felt like she could protect Olivia.

They had both awoke not to long after the sun had risen that morning.

They said their good mornings and gone through Alex's now ritual line of questioning about how Olivia was feeling.

But they mostly had spent the morning, before any interruptions by the doctor or nurses or seeing Martin, in silence.

Alex lay beside Olivia holding her, letting her fingers drag gently back and forth over her skin, just holding hands feeling their pulse run through their fingers.

Nothing really needed to be said out loud that morning.

They said everything they needed to just lying there beside each other.

"Good morning," Nurse Maggie said peaking her head through the door as she made her way in to Olivia's hospital room.

Alex immediately sat, climbing out of bed.

"Today's the day Ms. Taylor!" She said smiling at Olivia and then to Alex.

"Maggie… call me Kate." Olivia reminded her.

As Olivia reminded herself.

Maggie smiled. "Ms. Kate, today we're getting you out of bed." She said wide-eyed.

"I'm ready!"

Alex looked at Olivia shaking her head, but proud Olivia had laid in bed as long as she had.

"Well how about we start slowly? We'll get you sitting up in the chair over there, and then you and Ms. Caroline can have breakfast together. Sound good?"

"Sounds great," Olivia responded politely though how big of a deal was it to sit up and have breakfast?

"Shall we give it a try?"

Olivia nodded yes, and Alex stood out of the way, watching as Maggie helped her.

Maggie raised the back of the bed and then took Olivia's "good arm" in to her own.

"Ok, you use me as leverage and I'll help swing your legs over the side of the bed." Maggie instructed.

Got it. No big deal.

"Ready?"

Olivia nodded again and suddenly realized she was tugging Maggie's arm more than she would have thought she needed to.

"It's ok, slow and steady," Maggie coached.

Alex watched in concern that it was such a struggle just for her to sit up.

Olivia sat up and Maggie helped as promised swing Olivia's legs over to the side of the bed.

Olivia sat there for a moment. Maggie and Alex watched the color drained from Olivia's skin.

Each of her legs felt like they weighed hundred pounds apiece and her head was spinning like she had spent the night before having one too many French Martini's.

"Kate, are you ok?"

Olivia could hear a soft voice calling the name she was supposed to respond to.

"Kate? Honey?"

Olivia looked up at Alex and in to her worried eyes, she then looked to Maggie.

"Sick," was all Olivia could manage to say.

Alex thinking quickly grabbed the pan on the bedside table.

And as if on queue, Olivia emptied the contents of her stomach in to the pan.

Alex stood strong for Olivia, taking her getting sick in stride.

"I'm sorry." Olivia apologized.

"It's ok baby," Alex said brushing Olivia's hair back and kissing her forehead, trying to comfort her, not caring that Maggie was there.

Maggie had grabbed a wet cloth and placed it at the back of Olivia's neck.

"This should cool you a bit, help with the nausea… Ms. Kate it's normal after being under sedation and having the head trauma that you've had to have nausea with your first real movements. It will pass I promise."

Olivia understood, but she still felt like she was frozen in her position on the side of the bed.

"Would you rather lie back down? Maybe try again later?"

"No, I'll be ok." Olivia spoke up, vowing to not be defeated by the task of sitting in a chair.

It was her chance to get out of bed, and that's exactly what she was going to do.

"Sit here for a minute longer… Ms. Caroline I'll take care of the pan," Maggie said taking to the pan to discard the contents and incase it was needed again.

By the time Maggie had come back Alex was at Olivia's side. Ready to help.

"You tell us when you're ready to stand." Maggie instructed.

Olivia made time to take a calculated breath and then looked at Alex, placing her hand in hers, and then to Maggie who gently took her hurt arm.

"Let's do this," Olivia said already worn out.

One hundred pound leg, another hundred pound leg to the floor, Olivia's bare feet hit the cool tile.

"You ok?" Alex asked checking as she felt Olivia's weight fall against her.

"Ok," was all Olivia could say.

"Alright, when you're ready, a few steps to get your legs about you and to the chair."

Olivia did as instructed.

One stiff leg in front of the other until she made it to the chair, both Maggie and Alex helped her sit down slowly.

"See, you did good." Maggie said proudly.

"I feel like I'm 90 years old."

Maggie chuckled.

"You're muscles will loosen up and we'll get that nausea under control."

The sound of a knock on the door made everyone's head turn as they saw the doctor come in.

"Kate I'm very happy to see you up and sitting in the chair this morning."

"Long haul." Olivia joked.

"I'll leave you to the doctor," Maggie said, "I'll be back in to check on you later."

Both Olivia and Alex said a thank you to Maggie before she left.

"Any trouble getting up and out of the bed?" The doctor asked.

"I got sick, and my legs feel like they weigh a ton but… I'm feeling a little better now." Olivia said, the color coming back to her cheeks.

"All to be expected," the doctor said sympathizing. "Well some good news is your latest MRI looks good and you don't seem to be having too troubling of effects from your head injury."

"Hard head I guess." Olivia said with a small, crooked smile.

The doctor smiled.

"I would like to keep you at least another day for observation since we have you up. As for your arm, expect to keep the cast on you wrist for at least 6 weeks. I would expect a little longer recovery time on your shoulder, but we'll see how it goes. And Kate, of course we need to re-administer a pregnancy test to be sure you're not pregnant…"

Alex tensed.

She could see that Olivia tensed as well though she gave the doctor no change in expression.

Any thing the doctor said now was lost.

"Alright any questions?" The doctor asked looking at Olivia and then to Alex.

"No, just ready to get out of here." Olivia said blankly.

Like run out of here.

"I understand. It will be soon." He said with a warm smile. "I'll check in with you later."

"Thanks doctor." Olivia said as he left she and Alex in the room alone.

Alone again.

This time with a completely different silence.

Tension.

"Liv?" Alex said finally as she crouched down beside Olivia in the chair and took her hand in hers.

"Hey, I would love a real cup of coffee," Olivia said before Alex could say or bring up anything. "Would you mind getting us some?"

Alex knew what Olivia was doing.

Ignore it.

Don't talk about it.

Shut out.

Shut down.

Protect self.

"Here's the nurse's button if you need it," Alex said giving in, and stretching the cord to Olivia.

Alex gave Olivia another kiss to the forehead, holding her lips against her head as long as she could as if to tell Olivia 'this is me trying to comfort you'.

"I'll be right back ok?" Alex said with a smile, though obviously faking it.

The door shut behind Alex and so did Olivia's eyes to the world if only for a moment.

AOAOAOAOA

"Two coffee's please," Alex said politely as she stood stoically waiting.

She could cry.

She wanted to cry.

She could, but she couldn't.

Not that she wasn't allowed, but she wasn't.

It wasn't her pain.

"Two coffees!" A voice rang out, breaking Alex from her thoughts.

Alex took the coffee in hand and made her way to the coffee station to add cream and sugar…

Her back poised, her breath steady, she walked.

She would be the rock, the foundation that Olivia needed.

She was in love with her no matter what.

She loved her.

And Olivia needed her now more than ever to love her.

Alex made her way down a short hallway before reaching the elevators.

Only one other person walked the hallway in the opposite direction of her.

Alex had kept her head down, but looked up to smile politely at the stranger.

Instead her expression froze.

His familiar face was imbedded in her brain.

He looked at her.

Alex physically made herself nod to not seem out of sorts, to raise suspicion.

It was him.

She knew it was him.

She walked a bit more quickly to the elevator, fumbling for her personal key card to the elevator.

She was panicking.

She tried desperately to continue to hold on to the coffee in her hands, though at this point her hands were almost shaking violently.

She stepped out of the elevator, looking around cautiously before entering the hallway where Martin stood not far from Olivia's hospital door.

"Martin."

Martin looked at Alex and the panic that covered her face.

Her shaking hands…

"What? Caroline what is it?" He asked hurriedly.

"He's here," she whispered to him. "He's here, it's him…" she said glaring at Martin.

Martin took hold of Alex's unsteady arm walking her to Olivia's door.

His voice low.

"Go in there, don't say a word about seeing him. Lie if you have to…" he said deliberately. "Keep calm, keep her calm. You stay in that room with her. Don't go anywhere. I will get my men to cover this hospital."

Alex shook her head understanding.

"Caroline, we'll have you both out of here as soon as we think its safe to move."


	18. Chapter 17

Ch. 17

Alex took a deep breath, composing herself before she went through the door of Olivia's hospital room.

Olivia was in the chair where Alex had left her.

Olivia had managed to get the blinds open, lopsided from where she caught the string with the tips of her fingers from her chair, but it allowed her to see outside.

"Liv, honey you shouldn't be at the open window," Alex said protectively.

"I just needed to see a change of scenery."

Alex handed Olivia her coffee and shut the blinds.

She sat down beside her, "we can't be too careful." Alex tried to say nonchalantly.

Olivia nodded.

She understood.

"Coffee ok?" Alex asked as she watched her take her first sip.

"It's really good, thank you," Olivia said giving an appreciative smile.

They sat there, drinking coffee in silence.

Alex was trying desperately to hide her worry, her anxiety of everything that was going on outside.

She leaned in taking Olivia's hand, playing with lazily with her fingertips.

A simple gesture, but it was also to occupy Alex's nervousness.

"I'm sorry about earlier." Olivia said looking to Alex.

"What are you apologizing for?"

"Being an ass."

Alex smiled.

"You weren't being an ass. And when have I ever refrained from telling you when you are being an ass?"

Olivia returned the smile.

"I'm just a little on edge about the pregnancy test."

Alex sat down her coffee and held Olivia's hand in between hers.

"Honey, I know and you don't need to apologize for being scared, but everything will be ok. Whatever the outcome is everything will be ok."

Olivia looked away tears welling up in her eyes.

"I just can't help but think that this is how my mother felt. How alone she was..."

"You're not alone Olivia." Alex said adamantly. "You'll never be alone again, not as long as I'm on this earth."

"You don't know what you're promising. And you have to know that if this becomes too much for you… Alex you can leave, you can go. I'll understand."

"I'm not leaving you. Liv, I'm not leaving you." Alex said now cupping her cheek. "No matter what! No matter if you are pregnant or how dangerous things are… I'm not going anywhere without you."

Olivia started to cry.

Cry like she had wanted to for days.

Alex dropped to her knees, pressing her body in to Olivia's no longer worried about breaking her.

Olivia held on to Alex as tight as she could.

"It's ok baby, it's ok… let it out, just cry, it's ok." Alex said, no longer able to hold back her own tears.

Olivia's body shook.

Alex held her tighter.

"I'm sorry I'm a mess," Olivia said sniffling.

"No baby, you're not a mess." Alex said catching a stray tear.

"I didn't mean to make you cry too," Olivia said reaching up, wiping away Alex's own tears.

Alex kissed her, hip lips lingering longer than she ever had before.

"I think we both just needed to let out some of our emotions."

"Would you mind if I laid back down?"

"Of course not, here let me help you." Alex said standing, holding out her arms for Olivia to brace her. "Remember take it slow."

"I promise I won't throw up on your shoes." Olivia said cracking a slight smile.

Alex grinned.

Alex helped Olivia up slowly.

Another step and another.

"Much easier this time," Olivia, said now sitting on the edge of the bed.

She looked up at Alex.

"What's wrong?" Olivia asked alarmed at the look that had fallen on Alex's face.

"Nothing, nothing," Alex said brushing her off, "I have another pair of yoga pants in my bag if you want?"

Olivia looked at Alex a smile covered her face.

"Let me get them." Alex said already making her way to her bag lying on the floor nearby.

And a bit thankful Olivia was so willing because she would at least be somewhat dressed if they had to leave in a hurry.

Alex pulled the pair of yoga pants and a sweatshirt from her bag.

"Maybe these will make you feel a little better."

Alex helped Olivia undo her sling on her arm and then helped her out of her gown.

Olivia's nakedness was still a bit sensitive for them both, and Olivia found herself holding her arm against her naked chest.

"Ok this may be a bit tricky." Alex said as she tried to maneuver the luckily loose sweatshirt over Olivia's head.

They both struggled a bit but finally got the sweatshirt on.

"You want to rest a minute?" Alex asked.

Olivia shook her head yes. "For a second."

Alex waited patiently before Olivia said she was ready again.

With determination Alex helped her with the yoga pants.

"You think you can stand?"

Olivia stood right up impressing Alex.

"Very nice! She said with a smile. "Ok hold on to me to keep steady..."

One leg in, another.

Done.

Olivia sat back down on the edge of the bed.

"That concludes our workout for the day." Alex teased and she helped swing Olivia's legs over on to the bed.

Olivia's head hit the pillow, her head spinning a bit.

"You ok?" Alex asked concerned.

"I now have on all your clothes, even your underwear," Olivia said bypassing the answer to Alex's question.

"Well…" Alex said sitting on the side of the bed beside Olivia.

"I certainly don't mind you in my underwear." Alex said wide-eyed, raising her brow.

Olivia couldn't help but grin at Alex's boldness.

"Do you want to lie down next to me?"

"Always." Alex said lying down beside her, snuggling against her. "I always want to be next to you."

AOAOAOAOAOAO

Olivia had managed to drift off to sleep with Alex beside her.

Alex laid there, her eyes glued to the door waiting from any word from Martin.

It felt like it had been hours since she had walked back in that room, since her hands had stopped shaking from seeing Lucas.

Martin knocked on the door lightly as he poked his head through the doorframe, motioning for Alex.

Alex tried to pull herself from Olivia's side without disturbing her from her sleep.

She stepped outside with Martin.

"She ok?" Martin asked, a troubled look on his face.

"Exhausted, but she's fine." Alex said crossing her arms protectively.

"We have to get you two out of here?"

"You couldn't find him?"

Martin shook his no.

"We have men double checking all of his safe houses around the city, we have an eye on anyone we know to be associated with him… We've searched the hospital, checked surveillance tapes."

"You saw him? Did you see him on the tape?"

Martin shook his head yes, "we did."

"How hard can he be to find?"

"Caroline, he's a professional. He's calculated. Lucas Quinn is the kind of man that has enough contacts and resources that if he doesn't want to be found, well… well it makes it pretty damn hard."

"But he was here, how did Lucas get here?"

"It could have easily been luck. He knows Kate is injured, he knows that she would have been taken to a hospital. He knows she couldn't have been taken too far because of the condition she was in."

"So you're letting him get near her by luck?" Alex scolded, her eyes wide.

"We had no choice but to bring her to a hospital close by to get her the emergency medical attention she needed. Now that it's possible, we're going to get you both out of here."

"Is it ok to move her?"

"I talked to the doctors, they feel confident she is ok to go as long as we're careful. Arrangements have already been made to get you to London."

"When?"

"We'll wake her, tell her now. And at first chance we can move, we move."

Alex swallowed hard.

"Martin." She said her voice giving way to a slight quiver.

"Caroline, please trust me. We know who we're dealing with."

Alex looked away, shaking her head in agreement.

She then took a deep breath as if to prepare herself.

"Let's wake her." Alex said turning to the door of the hospital room.

Martin agreed and followed her in.

"Martin," Olivia said sleepy eyed.

"Kate," Martin said giving her a rushed smile.

Olivia looked at Alex.

"I woke up, you were gone." She said suspiciously.

"I know I'm sorry I needed to talk to Martin."

Olivia looked back and forth from Martin to Alex.

Olivia began to try and sit up, pushing herself up with her good hand.

"What happened? What's wrong?

"Baby, it will all be ok," Alex said calmly.

"We have to leave for London tonight." Martin said speaking up.

"What happened?" Olivia asked confused. "Tell me!"

"When I went to get coffee this morning… I saw Lucas." Alex said speaking up.

"Here in the hospital? Why didn't you tell me? You knew he was here and you didn't tell me? Either of you?"

"We had to make sure and take proper precautions. Getting you upset, hindering your progress would have been no help." Martin protested.

Olivia looked to Martin.

"So you're sure it was him?"

"We have him on surveillance."

"Does he know I'm here? We don't think so, but obviously we can't know for sure. We think he was just checking hospitals."

"So you think he left the hospital?"

"We've done a thorough sweep."

"And we're leaving?"

"As soon as possible."

Olivia shook her head processing everything.

"On the surveillance footage, did it look as if Lucas knew who she was?" Olivia asked alluding to Alex.

"No, it didn't seem so." Martin answered.

Olivia looked at Alex.

"Ok so we go."

Martin nodded his head to both of them.

"The nurse will be in right away to assist you in anything you need to get ready to move. You'll get in a wheel chair and we'll take you by service elevator to a restricted parking area, you'll get in an SUV and we'll take you directly to the Dublin airport where a jet will be waiting to take you directly to London. Caroline, if you would gather your things and anything Kate may need and have them ready by the door, we will grab them on the way out."

"You'll be with us?" Alex asked Martin in assurance.

"Once on the move, I won't leave your side."


	19. Chapter 18

THANK YOU for the awesome reviews :D -M

Ch. 18

It was a rough flight to say the least.

She wasn't ready.

Despite her willingness to go along with the plan to disappear from Dublin, and the reach of Lucas Quinn, she wasn't ready.

Things didn't go smoothly for Olivia despite any of their efforts.

By the time they had made it to the plane Olivia had thrown up twice.

Her head ached and she felt like her body was revolting against her.

She wasn't ready.

An elevator, a car, a plane, another car…

Olivia was exhausted and beyond feeling sick to the point of miserable.

Alex by her side, held her, did her best to comfort her though it with promises it would all be over soon.

Darkness had fell over London.

Darkness had fell by the time they had arrived outside of the apartment building in Noting Hill.

"No hospital?" Alex asked confused.

"No, we have you an apartment with full security. We can have more control here." Martin said stepping outside of the front seat of the SUV.

He opened the door politely for Alex.

"I think she needs to see a doctor."

"We have one meeting us here." Martin said assuring her.

Alex looked over to Olivia beside her in the backseat.

Alex hadn't let go of her since they had left Dublin.

"Honey you will be able to lie down in a few minutes I promise," Alex said squeezing her hand.

Olivia weakly squeezed her hand back.

Alex could tell Olivia was more than over this move to London and in typically Olivia Benson form she would suffer and make it through.

"Get Caroline inside." Martin instructed to his men.

Martin made his way to the other side of the SUV opening Olivia's door.

"Kate listen to me, we're going to take you inside, where you can rest."

She nodded slightly.

"I'm going to carry you in ok?" Martin said as if he were asking permission.

Martin tucked his arms under Olivia's body, pulling her from the car and without hesitation he carried Olivia in behind Alex, between his men.

"Bedroom?" Martin grunted.

"Back and to your right," the guard holding the apartment door offered.

Martin immediately took Olivia to her bed and Alex followed.

Olivia moaned as her body hit the down comforter.

Martin let Alex see to her.

"You're here baby, no more moving." Alex assured her as she pulled off her shoes and the covers over her.

"I think she has a fever." Alex said removing her hand from Olivia's forehead and looking back at Martin.

Martin too observed the state Olivia was in and couldn't hide his worry.

"Martin?" One of Martin's men stood in the doorway of the bedroom. "Dr. Parker is here."

"Show him in please."

"Agent Martin. Good to see you." Dr. Parker said shaking Martin's hand.

"This is Caroline," Martin said introducing Alex as she stood, "Caroline, Dr. Parker works with the MI6 here in London." Alex nodded in approval as she shook the doctor's hand. "And this is Kate." Martin said leading him to Olivia.

"Heard she has had a difficult trip," the doctor said now at Olivia's bedside.

Olivia was now in a state of mumbling about being ok.

"We needed to move her here to London. We didn't have a choice."

"By the charts I received she had quite the concussion…" the doctor said looking at Alex. "Moving her, the plane ride, though I know you felt it was necessary, it was a risky move. How was she before the move?"

"She was sitting up, but nauseous and easily tired." Alex informed.

"Vomiting?"

"When she initially sat up this morning, and twice in our travels here."

"I see that she was on anti-nausea medication, we'll get her back on those. Also lets continue giving her something for pain, that hopefully will help break the fever she has as well."

"Should we be worried she has a fever? She hadn't had one before?" Alex asked concerned.

"I believe the fever was brought on by stress to her body. Let's let her get some rest, make sure she continues to get plenty of water and if she needs more of the anti-nausea medicine I'll let you administer that to her. If she shows any signs of worsening you can call me and we'll decide then what may be a better option, but hopefully this will get her back on track.."

The doctor readied medicines for Olivia. "Kate, this will be a quick prick to your arm and you should feel some relief."

The doctor observed her a bit more, checking various things.

"Ok let's let you rest now."

Dr. Parker looked at Alex. "I will leave everything here you may need, and Martin has my number if anything changes or you have concerns."

"Thank you doctor." Alex said appreciatively.

Dr. Parker nodded politely and left out of the room with Martin.

"Hey baby, you ok?" Alex asked sympathetically as she sat on the bed beside Olivia.

Tears were falling from the corners of Olivia's eyes.

"It's ok, I know you feel bad, but just try and rest," Alex said wiping the tears from Olivia's cheeks.

Alex sat there for the longest time, trying to sooth her until she was sure Olivia had drifted off to sleep.

She kissed Olivia gently on the forehead and left her quietly to go and talk to Martin.

"How is she?" Martin asked as he looked up to see Alex closing the bedroom door behind her.

"She's asleep. Hopefully the doctor's right and rest will help."

"I hope we didn't do any real harm moving her," Martin said with apologetic look on his face.

"There was no choice," Alex assured.

"I do feel better that you are here now. It's easier to see that you are safe here."

"Honestly, I already feel safer here." Alex said sitting on the couch across from Martin.

"The windows and doors have alarms, and there will be security outside your door at all times."

"Where will you be?" Alex asked concerned.

"I'll be right next door. We're the only apartments on this floor."

"Also, we will try and give you as much privacy as possible here so you both can be comfortable. I know you would like to actually sleep in a bed."

"As would you!" Alex said giving Martin a quick smile.

"We had Samantha's things delivered from Paris as well as things we thought you and now Kate might need. Besides clothes and personal items, you will also find the apartment equipped with just about any amenity you may need."

"Home sweet home," Alex said somewhat sarcastically.

"Caroline, we'll get him. It's just a matter of time."

"I know. And I'm thankful that you got us here, and hopefully that much further from Lucas."

Martin stood, "I'm sure you're tired, and hungry. The refrigerator is stocked, but if you need anything just let me or my men know."

Alex shook her head now following Martin to the door.

"Martin."

"Yes?"

"Try and rest ok?"

He smiled politely, shaking his head, "you too."

After closing the door behind him, Alex looked around at the more than generous accommodations and how everything seemed comfortably laid out, how everything seemed to have been given a feminine touch.

She made her way in to the bedroom checking on Olivia who was sound asleep.

Alex couldn't help but be a little giddy that she could finally undress freely and shower.

Alex wandered in to the bathroom, stripping down.

As Martin promised everything was there waiting - shampoo, soap, razor deodorant, toothbrush, toothpaste, floss… fresh towels…

Alex promised herself a quick shower, but found her herself lost under the warm spay, now remembering what a simple pleasure of taking a shower at leisure in the privacy of your own bathroom felt like.

She finally stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around herself and went in to the bedroom digging for what clothes she might find.

She looked at Olivia still sleeping though it seemed at some point she had become restless and kicked the covers away.

Alex found her underwear, a t-shirt and a pair of sleep shorts to put on. She then rummaged through the clothes that were for "Samantha."

A whole different person lay inside those clothes.

The blacks, the grays, the leather and cashmere… all high end clothes.

Another person.

A character.

Alex found a pair of silk pajamas in the stack of clothes and thought Olivia would be much more comfortable at least in the pajama top while she slept.

Olivia stirred again.

"Alex?" Olivia questioned out in to the room.

Olivia's eyes opened to an unfamiliar place, not remember where she was from before.

"I'm right here sweetheart." Alex said making her way to her bedside.

"Where are we?"

Alex looked at Olivia, swiping her hair off of her forehead.

"We're in an apartment in London."

"We made it?"

"Yes baby we made it. We're safe here." Alex said with a soft smile. "How are you feeling?"

"Much better, I'm hot, but much better."

"It was a rough trip."

"But we made it."

"We did." Alex said feeling Olivia's forehead and then her hands for her body temperature.

"I found these pajamas. You want me to help you change? The pajama top at least should be cooler."

Olivia nodded, making an attempt to sit up.

"Are we alone?" Olivia asked looking around the room as she tried to familiarize herself with her new surroundings.

"Guards in the hallway and Martin is next door."

"You told him I was ok?"

"Liv he knows you're resting. Do you remember him carrying you in?"

Olivia looked at Alex confused.

"The doctor being here?"

"I, I don't…"

"That's' ok," Alex assured her.

"What did the doctor say?"

"He gave you something for the nausea and for pain. Said you're fever was probably just due to stress."

"Is that why I'm so hot?"

"Here let's work on getting these clothes off of you and see if that helps."

"Always trying to get my clothes off." Olivia teased with a lazy grin.

"Always full of yourself!" Alex said with a laugh.

Alex placed her hands at Olivia's hips dragging them towards the waist of the yoga pants. She made a quick tug pulling the pants down Olivia's hips, her thighs, past her feet and thrown to the bottom of the bed.

"Ok let's work on getting this arm out of this sweatshirt." Alex said looking at the task before them.

She desperately didn't want to cause Olivia any more pain, and she would do anything she could to make this whole undressing easy as possible.

After a bit of maneuvering, the sweatshirt now too lie at the bottom of the bed.

"Ok almost done." Alex said with encouragement, know this was exhausting Olivia.

Olivia lay back down, her head resting against the pillow.

Her body finally cool against the cotton sheets.

She laid there, her breasts exposed, though Olivia didn't now seem to care.

"You want me to help you with this pajama top or do you want a t-shirt? I could get…"

"Can I just lie here, I'll cover up. I'm just tired and over the whole getting dressed thing." Olivia said her eyes never opening. "Besides you can keep ogling over my chest."

"I'm not ogling!" Alex protested.

Olivia opened one eye to look at her and then grinned.

"And even if I was starring at your breasts, I do want you to at least get under the covers. I don't want you to be sick."

"Yes ma'am."

Alex pulled the covers over Olivia.

"You'll lie here beside me?"

Alex smiled.

"Of course."

Alex shut off the lights and crawled in to bed close to Olivia.

Olivia eyes closed, she searched for Alex's hand.

Alex took Olivia's hand pressing it against her chest.

"I can feel your heart beat." Olivia said softy.

Alex leaned in kissing Olivia just below the lobe of her ear.

"Do you feel safe here?" Olivia asked.

"I do." Alex said without expanding.

"Ok."

"Do you think you'll feel safe here?"

"Yeah I think so."

Olivia reached for Alex's other hand placing it under the covers, on to her bare, warm stomach.

Unexplored territory.

Alex curled her fingers soothingly in and out over Olivia's skin. And she heard Olivia sigh on to a peaceful sleep.

"I feel safe with you." Alex whispered in to the moonlit room.


	20. Chapter 19

Thank you for the lovely reviews and follows!

Melizzy, here's your update!

Ch. 19.

Night and day.

Olivia eyes opened to the morning haze and the rain pouring down.

She looked over to see Alex, who had slept with Olivia's hand pressed guardedly against her, still lying in the same position.

Olivia studied Alex.

Her skin, the outline of her body under the covers there beside her.

Every inch of her was perfect.

Olivia swallowed the lump in her throat as she watched her sleep peacefully.

She was sorry, sorry that Alex was going through this with her, but on the other hand very thankful that she had her by her side.

To have Alex here, to have admitted the way they felt about each other, but to still have to endure everything that had happened, maybe everything that might happen…

It seemed unfair, an unfair start.

Olivia gently tried to pull her hand away from Alex.

She stirred, but was still fast asleep.

Olivia was determined to be up on her feet today and if anything get to the bathroom herself.

She needed that much from herself today.

Olivia tried to quietly pull herself up.

She sat up on the side of the bed, her head swimming, but this morning she regained her balance.

Her eyes mapped out things she could latch on to keep her on her on her own two feet.

She stood, the muscles in her legs felt weak.

"For God's sake Olivia just walk." She mumbled to herself.

From the bed, to the dresser, to the bathroom door…

The sink, she made it to the bathroom sink.

Victory.

The difference between night and day.

Olivia looked at herself in the mirror and sighed.

She looked like shit.

The bruises on her face had yellowed; the cuts scabbed over… the stitches aligning her scalp.

She looked like shit.

A million things then ran through her mind starring back at herself.

Lucas, Dublin, London, Alex… a pregnancy test.

God she just needed to know for sure.

Fuck

She didn't feel pregnant.

But what the hell did pregnant feel like?

She wouldn't know.

Besides a scare in college… she wouldn't know.

She closed the bathroom door and eventually made her way to the tub, sitting on its edge.

She knew she could never manage the shower with her arm in a cast. So she turned on the water letting it fill the tub.

She could get through a bath on her own.

The tub filled, she looked around deciding a towel was the only option she had to wrap her arm in, to try and not get it wet.

Turns out trying to sit down in a tub with only one arm is trickier than Olivia had planned.

Alex awoke realizing Olivia wasn't beside her. She looked around, seeing the door to the bathroom was shut.

Alex got out of bed, "Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"You ok in there?" Alex asked through the closed door.

"Taking a bath."

"Oh ok. You need any help?"

Alex didn't want Olivia to feel like she was helpless, she also wanted Olivia to feel ok to ask her for help when she needed it.

"Um… I'm ok." Olivia said sounding unsure.

"Ok… be careful with your stitches… and your arm," Alex said worriedly.

"Alex."

"I'm sorry!"

Silence.

Alex stood outside the bathroom door, defeated, hoping she hadn't upset Olivia.

It was the last thing she wanted to do.

"Alex, would you mind helping me?"

"You sure?"

"Alex!"

Alex opened the bathroom door to see a frustrated looking Olivia sitting in the tub.

"I was doing good. I had everything under control… but my hair."

Alex gave her an understanding smile as she kneeled beside the tub.

"I'm here to help."

"You were sleeping."

"You can wake me."

"You looked so peaceful, and you deserve to rest. All you've done is take care of me."

"Liv I want to take care of you."

Olivia looked away from Alex.

"Hey, hey… don't shut me out of this. I'm here for you, to be with you, because I wanted nothing else, because I hated every minute I was apart from you. And now you need me… and I'm just thankful it is me you need. So let me help."

Olivia reached for Alex, cupping her cheek in to the palm of her hand.

"Thank you."

Alex smiled.

"You're welcome."

Olivia leaned in kissing Alex, pulling her closer against the claw foot tub.

Alex's lips parted and Olivia's tongue slipped into her mouth.

Alex held on to Olivia as they kissed each other thoughtfully, tasting each other.

Everything new.

Everything right with their mouths melded together, their tongues twisting.

They pulled away.

Alex looked at Olivia, breathless as she watched Olivia lick her lips, tasting Alex on her mouth.

"Feels like a lifetime I've waited to do that." Olivia said not taking her eyes from Alex.

"It was worth the wait." Alex said as a grin appeared on her face.

Olivia smiled.

"Your hair." Alex said breaking her trance. "Let me wash your hair."

"Get in."

"What?"

"Get in, there's room for two."

"Liv… I don't want to hurt you."

"How are you going to hurt me? Get in," Olivia said seductively. "Unless you don't want to."

Alex's grin gave her away as she pushed her sleep short to the floor and then she pulled her t-shirt over her head knowing Olivia was watching her every move.

She looked at Olivia's dark eyes; it was if they glistened again the water.

Alex sucked in her bottom lip letting Olivia stare.

Alex shimmied her underwear down until they were a puddle on the floor.

Naked.

Olivia wanted to wince at the sharp breath she had sucked in, but she wouldn't dare change the mood, change what was happening.

"Like what you see?" Alex asked devilishly.

"Jesus," was all Olivia said as she took in the perfect body.

Alex's long legs, her perky breast, the curve of her hip…

Alex walked over to the tub stepping in behind Olivia, then settling her between her legs.

"You ok?" Alex asked wanting to make sure she was ok in that position.

"I'm so good," Olivia said with a genuine smile on her face.

Alex ran her fingers down Olivia's neck on to her shoulder, taking time to slowly outline her collarbone.

Olivia caught Alex's fingers against her lips, "You're so beautiful. I mean I knew you were beautiful, but I just… better than I imagined."

"You imagined?" Alex asked playfully.

"I imagined a lot. At first I tried to stop myself, then I allowed myself, but tried to ignore the way it made me feel. The way you made me feel."

"I did the same." Alex confessed. "I couldn't ignore it, the way you made me feel. Anyone I was with, anyone you were with…"

"I was jealous." Olivia said now fidgeting with Alex's hands. "Jealous of anyone that could be with you, touch you the way I couldn't."

"I hated David Haden."

"What?" Olivia said letting out a laugh.

"He was in love with you, he was perfect for you. Handsome, successful, sexy, funny…"

"A conflict of interest." Olivia interrupted.

"Liv."

"Ok, he's all those things, but he's not you."

"I still hated that he had won your heart when I so desperately wanted to."

"You've had my heart for a long time Alex."

"Well I don't like sharing!"

"You, Alexandra don't like to share?" Olivia teased.

"Shut-up."

Olivia laughed heartily and Alex could tell Olivia's body tensed from jolting something on her body.

"Hey you, you ok?"

"Yeah I'm fine, I promise. A little too riled up I guess. I still feel like someone beat the shit out of me."

"Someone did beat the shit out of you!"

"I know, but shouldn't I feel better by now?"

"You were unconscious and then were laid up in a hospital bed, you just have to work out your muscles a bit, and give yourself some time to heal."

"You could help me with that."

Alex grinned, "I could and oh don't you worry I will, but right now you're taking it easy. Doctors orders!"

They sat there in silence, listening to the rain beating against the bathroom window.

"How were things in New York?"

"Different and the same. The same city, completely different without you."

"No really…"

"Everyone misses you, everyone worried about you…"

"Do they know what happened to me?"

"No, just that they found you. And probably with my disappearance they assume I'm with you."

Alex brushed back Olivia's hair with her fingers.

"You're hair is darker."

"I dyed it darker when I left for Paris."

"It's the color it was when I first met you."

"Yeah, it is." Olivia, said as the corner of her mouth turned up in to a smile, remembering.

They sat there in silence a bit longer.

"Alex?"

"Yes?"

"I need to get a Pregnancy test."

Olivia could almost feel the weight lifting out of her body as she said the words out loud.

"Oh yeah, of course yeah we can get one."

Alex's voice was shaky.

She didn't mean for it to be shaky.

"I'm late."

"Oh, oh well you could just be stressed. You've had a lot of stress on your body."

"I don't feel pregnant… and the first test was negative."

"We'll get a test, we'll find out for sure."

"Alex I can't…"

"Liv we talked about this. We'll get through it, make whatever decisions if they arise."

"All I think about is history is repeating itself. And then thinking about for years how bad I've wanted a baby... but not, not my rapist's baby.

It was the first time Olivia had said that word.

Rapist.

"It wouldn't be Lucas' baby," Alex said almost sternly.

They sat there again in silence for a moment before Alex reached for the shampoo.

"How bout that hair wash I promised."

Olivia, with Alex's help sat up in the tub.

Alex began to lather Olivia's hair.

Olivia couldn't help but let out a moan at the feel of Alex's fingers running through her hair.

"Feel good baby?" Alex whispered against Olivia's ear.

"So good." Olivia let out in a breath.

Alex took the time to massage Olivia scalp, taking in Olivia and the sweet scent that was now permeating from her hair.

She wanted Olivia to relax, take her mind away from their previous conversation.

Alex carefully poured the water to rinse Olivia's hair.

"All done," Alex said regretfully.

"Thank you baby." Olivia said feeling more relaxed than she had in a year.

"How bout we get out of this tub and I'll make breakfast? Then you and I can have some couch time."

Olivia nodded, "sounds like a plan." Alex leaned in kissing Olivia's shoulder, up her neck.

"You keep doing that we and won't get anywhere."

Alex grinned knowing Olivia was right.

"Come on let's get out of this tub."


	21. Chapter 20

Ch. 20

It continued to rain.

Through the night, into the next morning, pouring rain.

Olivia sat on the couch, facing the windows.

The irony of the tears that streamed down her face, were like the raindrops against the windowpanes.

She had cried desperately, she had cried uncontrollably, now they were just tears that escaped her.

Tears that drained her.

Olivia just sat there, unable to move, unsure of everything at that very moment.

Her heart was heavy, her body ached.

But it wasn't from the bruises and the broken… it was because she felt so empty and she couldn't justify why. She couldn't understand her reasoning for the pain she felt.

Why she felt the pain of the loss of someone she never had.

AOAOAOAOAOA

Alex awoke alone again that morning.

"Liv?" Alex called out as she made her way out of bed.

When she didn't hear Olivia respond, she looked in the living room seeing her sitting there on the couch, her back turned away from the doorway to the bedroom.

Alex stood there for a moment as she took in the sight of Olivia.

She watched her head bowed, her shoulders shake.

Alex had found herself holding her breath; even a slight panic at the sight of Olivia.

She knew what was planned for this morning; she knew that a pregnancy test sat on the bathroom sink waiting for its revelation.

It was why their day before had been so on edge, why sleep was so hard.

"Honey?"

Alex's soft voice, broke in to the silence.

Olivia looked up a bit startled, but only turning her head slightly towards Alex, acknowledging her.

Alex quickly made her way to the couch to Olivia's side.

"Honey?" Alex said again as she wrapped Olivia in her arms.

"You took the test?

Olivia shook her head yes.

"I'm not pregnant," she said blankly.

"Oh..."

Alex had hoped she would have a more eloquent reaction, but she wasn't sure what her reaction was.

"I knew I wasn't," Olivia said as she let out a breath. "I just needed to be sure."

Alex couldn't tell if Olivia was devastated or relieved.

Alex, at that moment wasn't sure if she was devastated or relieved.

"I don't know why I'm crying, I don't even know how I feel."

"Relief… maybe disappointment." Alex said pressing her lips to Olivia's temple, soothing her hair.

Olivia sniffled, "It's ridiculous."

"What's ridiculous?"

"I've wanted a baby for so long… and of course not like this. Alex, I didn't want to have a baby like this."

"I know."

Alex did know. She knew how much Olivia wanted to be a mother.

But not to have a baby like this, not to have history repeated.

"Liv, honey, you can have a baby, this is not what you wanted." Alex said reassuring her. "This is not the way you wanted to do this. You can have a baby, on your own terms. You have plenty of options on your own terms."

"I would have kept it. I mean, even thought it was his baby, I couldn't, I wouldn't… Not after my own mother decided to keep me."

History.

"And Alex I never would have treated that baby like it was a mistake, that it came from something horrible."

History.

"I know, I know you wouldn't, and I know everything would have been ok. That baby would have been loved and adored, just the way any child would be if you were its mother."

Olivia looked at Alex.

Her sad face, her tear stained eyes.

"I'm so sorry."

"For what?"

"I just want life to be normal again… This is all my fault. How it all unraveled."

"Liv, honey how was any of this your fault?"

"I left New York, I left my job… I left you. And look what happened."

"You were doing what you thought was best, you chose to come here to help people, to make things right. Why would anything that has happened be you fault? Lucas Quinn interfering, him kidnapping you… God, him raping you was not your fault. You didn't ask for it, you didn't set yourself up for it! You know that, and how many times have you told victims that? It's not your fault. And you are especially not allowed to apologize to me for anything that happened."

Olivia was biting her lip. She knew what Alex was saying was right, she knew she didn't ask for it. But she couldn't help but think if she had just stayed in New York? If she just hadn't run from her life again.

"It just doesn't feel like it will ever be normal again. Being away from home, our jobs, not being called by our real names, living in fear that someone is watching, hunting you down…"

Alex swiped at her own tears.

Well I have to say, when we do get to go home it will take time, time for both of us to feel like things are normal again. I guess I'm a pro at it, but I've done this before so…"

"Oh God Alex I didn't…"

"No, no the difference is, and the only redeeming part is that I'm with you, we're finally together and when we get home, we'll be together. We'll get back to normal together and even if we don't, then we'll be, well we can be abnormal together."

Olivia gave Alex a lopsided smile as she took her hand in to hers.

"Together sounds good."

"Yes it does," Alex said leaning in to kiss Olivia's lips.

"Alex."

"Yeah?" Alex said as she held Olivia's face in her hands.

"I love you. I mean you don't have to say it or feel that way… I just I really, I love you."

Alex grinned at Olivia's nervous rambling.

"Olivia, I love you too. I really love you."

Olivia smiled, kissing Alex again.

"I couldn't do this without you. I mean I thought I didn't need anyone, I thought I could take care of myself, I mean always have. But with you here, being with you, I couldn't go through this without you. I'm glad I don't have to."

"We'll get through this. They'll catch Lucas, things will go back to normal. How much ever time it takes, we'll get through this."

"You believe that don't you?"

"I believe in you…"

"I love you."

"I love you." Alex said pulling Olivia in to her, kissing her this time more passionately.

"Can I get you anything?"

"Can we just lie here for a little while?"

"As long as you want."

Olivia settled against Alex on the couch and for a moment they watched the rain fall.

"You're right it is a relief and a disappointment."

Alex kissed the top of Olivia's head as she played lazily with ends of Olivia's hair.

She was thinking.

"It's not really my place to say this, but I feel the same way. The thought that you could be pregnant was bittersweet. But Liv, when this is over you can…"

"Alex…" Olivia said stopping her. "I'm not sure it's ever meant to be."

"Maybe you just weren't meant to have a baby alone?"

Olivia didn't turn to Alex.

She only ran her fingers along Alex's arm.

"Yeah… maybe I'm not."


	22. Chapter 21

**Sorry for the hold up guys! My mom has been visiting all week and the writing just wasn't happening! I should be back on a regular schedule now! Thanks for the reviews (!), follows and patience! - M**

CH. 21

Restless.

Alex hid it better than Olivia.

Alex was also allowed to leave the apartment with a guard, Olivia wasn't.

"I don't have to go out," Alex said, her brow furrowed as she looked at Olivia.

"The sun is shining, you should get some fresh air. Besides I'll make Martin here make up interesting lies to entertain me while you're gone." Olivia said shooting a grin to Martin.

"You're sure?"

"Go." Olivia urged knowing Alex needed and wanted to be outside as much as she did.

"I'll bring you back a surprise." Alex said leaning in to give Olivia a quick kiss, her blue eyes gleaming. "And Martin maybe I'll bring you a surprise too." Alex laughed, amused with herself.

"What no kiss?" Martin asked as seriously as he could as Alex passed him by.

"Not a chance." Alex said laughing as she made her way to the door.

"Caroline," Martin called out. "John is not to leave your side!"

"I know!" She called out like a teenage girl being reminded by her father.

The door shut and Olivia was already at the window peering behind the curtain trying to get a glimpse of Alex out on the street below.

She was jealous Alex could go, but of course understood why she couldn't.

"We'll catch him soon." Martin said observing her.

"Will you?" Olivia snipped turning back to Martin.

"I know you're tired…"

"Martin… I'm sorry I didn't mean to…"

"You're allowed."

"No I'm not. You all are doing everything you can to keep us safe…"

"But you're allowed to be frustrated and tired. This isn't easy."

"Do you have any idea where he is?"

"Samantha."

Olivia closed her eyes.

The name Samantha.

"We know he's still looking for you, and we know his men have searched Ireland over and are now looking for you in the surrounding countries."

"So it's a possibility he will look for me here in London?"

"It's just a matter of time." Martin said honestly.

"Do you think he can find us?"

"We won't let him near you."

"He was close before."

"We should have never had you in a Dublin hospital, but I was scared to move you. It was my fault."

"Martin." Olivia said stopping him as she sat down on the couch. "Please don't say anything was your fault. You were doing what you thought was best for me."

Martin looked at her for a moment, then shaking his head agreeing.

"How's your shoulder?"

"Sore… better."

"Your head?"

"Room stopped spinning."

"Were you always this stubborn?"

"So they tell me."

Olivia and Martin both cracked a smile.

"You and Caroline seem to be doing well."

"I'm not sure I could get through this without her."

"I'm glad she's here for you."

"I hate she has to be here though, to go through this with me."

"It was her choice to be with you."

"She reminds me of that daily."

"She cares about you. That's a lot. You feel the same way, so just be grateful she's here."

"Didn't take you for a softy."

"Sucker for love." Martin teased.

Olivia laughed.

Martin's phone rang, interrupting them.

"Yes?

"Where?"

"Just Liam? No sign of Lucas?"

"Yes."

"Caroline is out with John, I will have them both at the apartment."

"No Kate is in the apartment with me."

"Let me know."

Olivia looked at Martin as he cleared his phone and pressed his speed dial.

"Martin?" Olivia said her eyes wide, panic in her throat.

Martin stood, walking to the window, his phone back to his ear; he turned and looked at Olivia, holding her stare as he began to speak in the phone again.

"John."

"Liam was spotted at Heathrow. We have eyes on him."

"Get Caroline off the street and back to the apartment now."

He shoved his phone quickly in to his pocket.

"Martin you're scaring me, tell me what's happening. Who's Liam?"

Martin sat down on the edge of the chair across from Olivia.

"Liam Quinn…" Martin said as he watched Olivia's eyes widened, her fist clinch together. "He's Lucas' brother."

"His brother? And he's here in London?"

"He was spotted at the Heathrow airport. We're on him. He won't get near you and Caroline."

"So he works with Lucas? He's looking for me?"

"As far as we know they've always done business together, but he didn't have anything to do with your kidnapping. It seems after we arrested the main men in Lucas' operation, Liam began to work with his brother to look for you."

"Does that mean Lucas knows where we are?"

"No, as I told you he's just looking for you. But having eyes on Liam is good, it's the closest thing we have to catching Lucas right now."

Olivia stood, she began to pace, her arm folded over her casted wrist.

"Caroline? Should you check on them?" Olivia asked, worried.

"John will get her back here any minute now."

She was biting her nails.

This wasn't the cool, calm Samantha Martin knew.

"Why does Lucas want to find me? Isn't that risking too much?"

"Samantha you know as well as I do why he wants to find you."

She did.

"To kill me."

Martin didn't deny it.

"Why didn't he just kill me when he had the chance?"

"The torture had greater results. Don't you agree?"

Olivia loved and hated that Martin would shoot straight with her.

"Why is he obsessed with wanting to kill me? Gareth's dead. He killed Gareth… What would he prove now by killing me?"

"I think at this point he's pissed he didn't finish the job. He was torturing you, and I assume planning to kill you in retaliation for Gareth killing his wife. But we found you obviously before he could kill you."

The door to the apartment opened and Alex appeared as John followed her in.

"Who is he?" Alex asked, guns blazing. "Who's Liam?

Alex had already had her own troubles with a Liam once in her life, she didn't need another one.

"He's Lucas' brother." Olivia said as she stood, now in front of Alex.

"His brother?" Alex asked confused. "Is he working with Lucas?"

Martin nodded yes.

"Is Lucas here in London?"

Olivia noted Alex's "attorney mode", though neither Martin, nor John had any idea "Caroline" was an ADA in New York City.

"Only Liam was spotted. We're tailing him."

Alex looked at Olivia and then back to Martin.

"So now what? What do we do?

"You stay here."

"We just wait it out? What if he comes here? What if they find us?" Alex questioned.

"Honey, they're not going to find us and if they do they can't get near us."

"He took you in broad daylight, he kidnapped you on a busy street!" Alex argued.

Olivia took Alex's hand.

"Baby it's different, we're being protected. I wasn't… I was alone, I didn't have protection, a guard standing at my door."

Alex looked at Olivia, not saying another word only letting her deep blue eyes beg Olivia for the answers, the security she wanted.

"Ladies, I have to go and get updated on the situation. This place is secure. John and Max will both be outside your door. I'll let you know as soon as I know anything more. Please just stay calm and trust me ok?"

Olivia nodded to Martin, though Alex didn't look to him. She only held Olivia's hand tightly.

"We'll be ok." Olivia assured Martin.

Martin left them alone.

"Aren't you scared?" Alex asked Olivia as she finally let go of her hand.

"Alex… of course I'm scared, but I have to trust that Martin and the CIA and the MI6 are doing what they can to protect us."

Alex sat down, running her hands through her hair, clearly stressed.

"Honey it's ok to worry, to be scared, its ok."

"I'm not as brave as you. I'm not used to taking risks on my life the way you do! Yes I'm unsettled that in four minutes flat I was swept off the street and hidden because someone is trying to kill you. Kill you! Yes Olivia I know, I get why Lucas wants to find you."

"I can't, I can't change what's happening. I can't make it all go away. Yes… Lucas is looking for me because he wants to finish the job, he wants to kill me. But Martin will do everything in his power to see that I'm safe, that we're safe."

"What if he can't?"

Olivia sat beside Alex, and then pulled her in to her arms.

"He will."

"I thought I could do this and here I am panicking."

"I panicked too. When Martin got the call, I panicked cause all I could think was you were out there, you weren't here with me."

"Liv someone is trying to kill you and you're thinking about me not being here, ME being on the street?"

"Yeah, yes… that's what I was thinking about."

Alex pressed her forehead against Olivia's cheek.

"I'm sorry I freaked out."

Olivia kissed the top of Alex's head.

"It actually makes me feel better that you did, you've been too perfect."

"Too perfect?"

"Telling me everything will be ok, being at my side every second possible, never tiring, never waning…"

Alex looked at Olivia. "Because I love you."

Olivia gave her a shy smile.

"I know. I'm really starting to understand that you do love me, that you are doing this because you love me."

"As scared as I was out there today, I know it wouldn't compare with how I would feel if I was back in New York and I didn't know where you were or what was happening."

Olivia leaned in and began to kiss Alex.

"I love you." Olivia said as she tangled her fingers in Alex's long blonde hair and kissed her again. "I love you… and I love kissing you."

"I love kissing you too, but shouldn't we be freaking out or hiding under the bed or something?" Alex said between another kiss and another.

"Martin told us to stay here. So we'll make the best of staying here." Olivia said giving a naughty grin.

Olivia's hand moved from Alex's hair to her side just above her hip, just below the hemline of her shirt.

"Dangerous territory," Alex said licking her lips, tasting Olivia.

"Didn't you say? I like taking risks." Olivia said, her brow raised as she teased Alex's bare skin.

Alex grinned as she stood slowly.

She then offered her hand to help Olivia up from the couch.

Olivia took her hand, now standing almost eye-to-eye with Alex.

Their bodies were searing against the others.

Alex ran her finger across Olivia's lips, slowly down her neck.

"I think you should come lie down with me… we have some exploring to do."


	23. Chapter 22

CH. 22

In the apartment together, alone.

Their world outside was in disarray.

But inside the apartment at that moment nothing felt wrong, out of place.

Together.

Olivia lay against the bed, her head pressed in to the luxurious cotton pillowcase.

Alex never took her eyes from Olivia, her dark hair, her dark eyes.

Olivia watched as Alex shimmied out of her jeans, watched the revelation of her long, silky legs.

Alex went slowly, her movements thoughtful as she knew Olivia enjoyed the show.

Though sex had never been and issue with Alex, she had never been one to slowly strip down as her partner watched her every move, take in every inch of her.

But letting Olivia see was different.

Undressing for Olivia was different.

It was sensual, it was sexy and God, it turned Alex on.

She pulled her shirt over her head and she saw Olivia bit her bottom lip.

The black strap of Alex's bra fell down her shoulder as her knee hit the bed next to Olivia.

Olivia reached for Alex, guiding her to hover over her.

"We have to be careful," Alex said as she leaned in to kiss Olivia's lips.

"I won't break."

"Liv…"

"Ok we'll be careful." Olivia said giving in as she once again found Alex's lips, but this time her hands settled on to her lacy hips.

"I can't get over how stunning you are," Olivia whispered before she drug the lobe of Alex's ear between her teeth.

Alex's breath told Olivia she had a grin on her face.

Alex hovered over her again.

"Can I undress you?" She asked, her eyes looking intently into Olivia's.

Olivia nodded giving permission and Alex sat back on her heels, looking at Olivia as if she were a package she was about to unwrap.

Alex slid her hands up and down Olivia's body methodically and then under Olivia's t-shirt, feeling her soft, flat stomach. Her thumb now circled Olivia's belly button.

Alex raised Olivia's shirt and then leaned in kissing where she had been touching Olivia's stomach.

Olivia moaned.

Alex moaned.

Alex then quickly locked her long fingers under the waistband of Olivia's leggings and pulled them slowly down her hips, her thighs until they were past her toes.

Alex took in Olivia's bare thighs, hips… her navy blue silk panties. She then helped Olivia sit up enough to get the t-shirt off of her, gentle as to try and not hurt her shoulder and to get the shirt past her cast.

She helped Olivia lay slowly back down and Alex began kissing Olivia's body.

Down her neck, to the peaks of her plentiful breasts.

"Your body is amazing… Do you know how long I've wanted to do this?" Alex said with a teasing grin on her face. "How long I've been obsessed with your body, your breasts?"

Olivia raised her brow to Alex.

Full of surprises.

"My breasts?" Olivia prodded.

Alex reached behind Olivia unlatching her bra, and quickly discarding it to the floor.

Her hands went immediately to Olivia's now bare breast, her hard nipples between her fingers.

"Tight sweaters, going to the gym with you to work out and seeing you run on the treadmill… God, I just wanted too… "

"Alexandra Cabot when you said you had feeling for me, I didn't know you were really having feelings for me." Olivia said giggling.

"So you've never thought about me?" Alex said poking her lips out.

"How could I not think about those legs? And I might have thought about having them wrapped around me." Olivia said with a grin. And maybe I've thought about what was under those expensive suits. I like knowing now that it's black and lacy…" Olivia said as she reached to cup Alex's breast in her hand. "I like knowing now the way your breast fit in my hand and how your skin tastes."

Alex couldn't stand it anymore. She hovered Olivia once again kissing her restlessly.

Alex's mouth then went to Olivia's breasts, her mouth devouring her skin, nipping gently at her erect nipples.

Olivia moaned again in pleasure at the feel of Alex's generous mouth on her sucking and licking.

Olivia with one hand undid Alex's bra, breaking kisses only to remove it from her body.

Olivia touched Alex, and Alex continued to devour her.

Alex kissed further down Olivia's body. She kissed her hips and Alex felt Olivia tense, but only found Olivia's eyes closed in what she thought was pleasure.

Alex kissed down Olivia's thighs, and then up the inside of her thighs.

Olivia squirmed.

One kiss closer and closer to Olivia's center, her arousal.

Alex sat up, Olivia's eyes still clinched shut.

Alex tugged at waist of Olivia's panties.

She wanted her, to taste her.

She pulled her panties down just an inch before felt Olivia's body tense again.

Olivia grabbed Alex's hand, stopping her.

"Baby?" Alex questioned looking again to Olivia, stopping, waiting for a response.

Her eyes clinched shut.

"Liv? Honey?"

Olivia was frozen.

"Liv?" Alex said a little more sternly.

Olivia suddenly opened her eyes, looking at Alex, looking at her hand holding Alex's.

Tears fell down the sides of Olivia's face.

Alex quickly let go if the waistband of Olivia's underwear, grabbing Olivia's hand in to hers.

"Baby? Baby are you ok? Did I?"

"No, no… I'm sorry I just, I can't, I can't do this… that ,I can't..."

Olivia suddenly was tying to catch her breath.

Lucas

Goddamn Lucas.

"It's ok, honey it's ok!' Alex said as she made her way beside Olivia, pulling her in to her arms.

"I'm so sorry."

"Please stop saying you're sorry. It's ok."

"No it's not. I don't want you to stop kissing me, touching me, please don't stop…" Olivia begged. "I just need time to just, I can't do that..."

Alex knew what she couldn't.

Couldn't take off her underwear, could let Alex go down on her, fuck her… She couldn't.

Goddamn Lucas.

Alex kissed Olivia's shoulder, her neck, and placed her hand back to Olivia's breast, but making sure it was what Olivia wanted.

"I want to touch you, and kiss you, and be with you in every sense of the word, but it's ok to tell me what you're ready for. It's ok if it takes time."

Olivia shook her head, tears still finding their way from her eyes.

"Say that you will tell me when you're ready or if you're not. Know that I have no intentions of doing anything you don't want to. I love you."

"I'll let you know… but please just kiss me, I want you to kiss me."

Alex locked her lips with Olivia's, finding her tongue twisting passionately, hungrily with Olivia's.

Alex didn't care if she was consoling Olivia or turning her on as long as she was there with her, kissing her.

Olivia turned in to Alex, her breast pressing against Alex's breast.

"I can't get through this without you. I'm only safe with you." Olivia confessed.

"You are safe with me, I'm here, and you'll never be without me again."

Olivia's casted arm rested in the curve of Alex's side as Alex gripped Olivia's hip against her.

They kissed, and touched, and confessed until the wee hours of the morning, until they slept in each other's arms.

AOAOAOAOAO

The bell rang startling both Olivia and Alex.

"The door, it's the door." Alex said gathering her thoughts. "I'll get it," she said getting out of bed, looking for her bathrobe.

"Yes?" Alex said standing at the door.

"It's Martin."

His voice urgent.

Alex quickly opened the door.

"Good morning, I'm sorry to interrupt. Where's Samantha?"

Samantha

He didn't say Kate.

"I'm here," Olivia said appearing from the bedroom, wrapped in her own bathrobe.

"We got him."

"What?" Alex and Olivia said almost in unison.

"We caught him getting on a private plane in Dublin. He was on his way to Paris. We have him. He's locked away, Lucas Quinn is locked away in Dublin."


	24. Chapter 23

**What! A new chapter! :D Thanks guys so much for the reviews and follows. Totally interested in hearing your reviews and thoughts now that we're going back to New York! -M**

Ch. 23

"So that's it? It's Over?" Alex questioned, her arms folded protectively.

Olivia only stood quietly, still behind Alex as if she were accessing her feelings.

"Liam did just as we had hoped, led us right to Lucas."

"So you have them both?" Alex asked.

"They are both in custody. I got word Liam has been transported back to Dublin, before I came to you this morning. I wanted to be sure they were behind bars before I told you."

"So now what happens?" Alex said pulling at the neck of her bathrobe.

"You can go home, you can go back to New York."

"It's over."

Both Martin and Alex looked to Olivia as the words fell from her mouth.

"It's over…" Martin said assuring Olivia, "you can go home when you're ready."

Neither Alex nor Martin could tell what Olivia was thinking.

"What will happen to Lucas?" She asked blankly.

"He'll go on trial for Gareth's murder, and your kidnapping and attempted murder. And of course we have plenty more to hold him on. He's in a heavily secured place. He's wanted in Ireland, France and the United States. He's not getting out."

Olivia was biting her bottom lip. She had still yet to move from the spot where she was certain she had bore a hole in the hardwoods below her.

"You ok?" Alex asked, but not reaching for Olivia.

Almost as if she was scared to touch her.

Not for some violent reaction, but rather Olivia may shatter into a million pieces and Alex wouldn't know how to get her back together.

Olivia looked up at Alex.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine."

"I'll leave you two alone. Let you talk. There's no hurry to leave London, we can leave when you're ready," Martin reminded. "And of course Samantha we need to make sure you are well enough to fly."

Martin bowed his head and made his way to the door.

"Martin."

He turned back to Olivia.

"Thank you…" She said her voice cracking. "Thank you."

Martin shook his head, giving her a pleased smile before he made his way out.

The door click shut.

Alex turned to look at Olivia.

Tears were streaming down her face.

Crying.

She was crying.

Olivia looked to Alex and cried harder.

Her hand to her mouth, her shoulders shaking, her breath hitched as she tried to breathe.

She cried.

The flood gates.

One year worth of tears.

The damn broke.

Alex went to Olivia wrapping her in her arms, holding her head against her shoulder as Olivia buried her face in to Alex's neck.

"Just cry, just let go baby, just let go."

Alex could feel the weight of Olivia's body meld in to hers.

Alex stood stoic and strong, she wouldn't falter, she wouldn't let Olivia go.

Olivia for once didn't apologize for crying, for breaking down.

Neither Olivia nor Alex was sure how long they stood there, how long it took for Olivia to raise her head.

"It's over."

"Yes baby it's over."

"I don't have to be her anymore."

"No… no you don't. Just Olivia, my Olivia."

Alex said with a heartfelt smile.

"We can go back to New York."

Alex nodded, confirming.

Olivia stood up straighter and wiped her tear stained face.

"You and I can go back to New York." Olivia said looking at Alex.

Repeating and confirming.

"Yeah we can go back to New York, we'll be together."

Olivia took a deep breath.

"But you heard Martin we don't have to go back until you're ready." Alex said brushing Olivia's hair from her face.

"I have to figure out where to go."

"What? What do you mean where to go?"

Olivia sat down on the couch, pulling her bare knees in to her.

"I gave up my life. I gave up my job, my apartment. I gave up everything I had. I mean I always planned on going back I just didn't know it would be like this, that I would be like this..."

"Liv, you can get your life back… You know there is always work for you and you can live with me."

"Alex."

Alex sat down next to Olivia.

"I know we're fast forwarding a bit, but you were my best friend before and I would have offered to have you stay with me anyway. And now that we're together… Liv,

I want you to stay with me, be with me. We didn't just meet. And we've made it pretty clear we've wanted each other for a long time. At least stay with me until you get settled."

"I just don't want to be a burden on you. I know you're anxious to get your life back too."

Alex moved in closer to Olivia.

"Sure I want to be back in New York, but I'm want to be back there with you, to have a life with you."

Olivia took Alex's hand in to hers, intertwining their fingers.

"I want to be with you, I want to wake up to you, but I can't make promises about who I'll be when I get back…. Last night I was fine and then all of the sudden I was back there, I froze, I couldn't let you…"

"Liv, Liv…" Alex said holding Olivia's attention. "I can handle this. Just trust that I can handle it. Let me be the one you lean on, let me hold you, let me help you get through this."

"I just don't want you to regret this decision, I don't want you to end up hating me for what I've put you through, and God, I feel so fucked up right now and I don't want you to go through that with me!"

"I want to go through it with you! Get it in your head Olivia, I love you! You're not alone, you don't have to do this, you don't have to recover alone. You don't have to get your life back alone."

"I don't know how not to do it alone Alex!"

Alex pulled Olivia in to her.

"Then I'll show you. I'll show you how it feels, what it's like to not be alone."

Olivia found Alex's lips, kissing her deeply.

"Please come back to New York and be with me." Alex said breathless.

Olivia shook her head agreeing. "I love you, and I want us to go home."


	25. Chapter 24

Ch. 24

Olivia stood looking down at the clothes spread across the bed.

The day before she had finally been cleared by the doctor to fly.

Next stop, a non-stop home.

"Whatcha thinkin'?" Alex asked standing in the doorway to the bedroom.

"How do you pack stuff that's not yours?"

Alex made her way over to Olivia, standing behind her, tucking her chin against Olivia's shoulder, and slinking her arms loosely around Olivia's waist.

"I know the feeling." Alex said surveying everything lying there. "When I left Witsec I didn't know how to leave it all behind because it made me feel like I had nothing, but I also didn't want to take it with me back to New York because those clothes weren't me."

"What did you do?" Olivia asked placing her casted hand over Alex's, connecting to her.

"I ended up leaving it all. Told them to give it all away, give it to someone in need."

"Gucci?" Olivia said holding up a pair of 4-inch heels.

"Ok so maybe your wardrobe is a bit different from my Gap sweaters and jeans I wore in Wisconsin."

"A girl can get used to Channel." Olivia teased.

"You deserve Channel and there's room in the closet." Alex said kissing Olivia below the lobe of her ear.

"Yeah I can hear it now, _'Olivia we haven't seen you in a while, we heard you were raped and tortured, but are those shoes Gucci?'_

"Liv… I think if you like your wardrobe you deserve it, take it with you."

"Alex, it's a bit absurd don't you think?"

"The only thing absurd is that my feet won't fit in those shoes!" Alex teased making Olivia chuckle. "Seriously though, they're your clothes..."

"They're Samantha's."

"If you want to keep them, wear them as a badge of honor. I mean it, you deserve to wear them."

Olivia looked over her things, "maybe I could be persuaded to keep a few things."

"And if anything maybe I could persuade you to wear those Gucci's for me…" Alex said, gently biting the lobe of Olivia's ear.

Olivia leaned in to Alex, she caught herself sucking in her bottom lip at the feel of Alex's warm mouth on her skin.

"Ok… we're definitely keeping the shoes." Olivia mumbled.

Alex let out a breathy laugh.

No need for much persuasion.

Alex then reached from behind Olivia picking up a pair of black diamond and gold earrings.

"These are beautiful. Whoever was picking out your wardrobe didn't miss a thing." Alex said, as she held them in the palm of her hand.

Olivia opened her mouth to speak, but no words came.

"Liv?"

"Hmm?

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing… um Gareth gave those to me."

Alex looked down at her hand, and the generous diamonds, the black sparking against the gold.

"Oh, well they're, um they're beautiful." Alex said sitting them back down on the bed.

"I'm going to get rid of them."

"No, no not unless you want to. Don't on my account."

Alex thinks she meant that.

"Alex, he was a murderer and sold children on the black market, not exactly an amazing man. And just because he was good to me doesn't change who he really was."

Alex hadn't asked Olivia about being with Gareth and truthfully she knew very little about him except of his crimes, and that he was more than good to Olivia.

But she hadn't asked details.

There hadn't been a right time, nor was she sure she wanted or needed details of Olivia's love affair with him.

She knew Olivia was attracted to him, she knew it was a sexual relationship.

She knew that it was Olivia's decision for it to be a sexual relationship.

"He was a charmer, and manipulative. I fell for it just like the other women did."

"I thought you felt you were different from the others?"

"I wasn't."

"You said he treated you with respect, even worshiped you." Alex said cautiously.

"It was a matter of time, it was probably his game."

"It's ok that you felt something for him."

"No it wasn't ok. It was unprofessional and dangerous… it wasn't ok."

"You haven't dealt with his death," Alex said now feeling a bit bolder.

"I don't need to." Olivia snapped back.

Alex stopped talking, pushing.

She wrapped her arms tighter around Olivia's waist holding her against her, burying her face in to Olivia's neck.

Olivia let her for a moment before speaking.

"Alex, I'm ok."

"Ok, but can I just hold on to you?"

Olivia stood there letting Alex meld in to her.

Her arms strong around her.

Olivia then turned in her arms looking at Alex, looking at her shimmering blue eyes behind her dark rimmed glasses.

"You just going to bear hug me every time?"

Every time.

Every single time.

"Probably."

"Is this part of that not being alone thing?"

Alex smiled shyly, "Yeah it is."

Olivia put her arms around Alex pressing her cheek against hers for a moment before giving Alex a quick kiss.

"Thanks," Olivia said now looking back at Alex.

Alex shook her head thankful Olivia was letting her hold her, console her.

"I need to finish packing ok."

"Yeah… you ready to leave tonight?" Alex said releasing Olivia from her arms, though her hand still rest at Olivia's hip.

"As I'll ever be."

"I think you will be able to relax a little more when you get back to New York, back to familiar surroundings."

And maybe therapy.

"Alex, are you sure you want me to stay with you?"

"Liv we discussed this, yes I want you to stay with me. Please don't put any doubt in to my invitation. Unless… unless you have doubts about us being together…"

"Baby I don't, I don't." Olivia assured her. " I know you were sincere when you asked me, I just care about you so much, I'm so in love with you and I'm just afraid you'll tire of my antics and I just want to be sure."

"How about I have permission to tell you if you're being a pain on the ass?" Alex teased.

"Oh that will solve it!"

"Liv, I want to take you home and if not for purely selfish reason to get you in to my bed." Alex said with a grin.

Olivia gave a slight grin.

"Liv, I know some days will be better than others. We'll get through every one of them."

Olivia leaned in giving Alex a lingering kiss.

AOAOAOAOAO

"Will we all be on the same plane?" Olivia asked as she sat in the back seat of the SUV with Alex by her side.

Olivia held Alex's hand tightly, though Alex dare not complain.

"We will board separately, but John and I will be behind you and Max will be in front of you and Caroline on the plane." Their driver pulled up in front of Heathrow. "John and Max will handle your baggage, here are your boarding passes." Martin said handing them to Olivia. "Get through security, I'll be a few steps behind you." Martin instructed, then studied the looks on Olivia and Alex's faces. "Samantha, Caroline, Lucas is locked away. You're safe. You're just two people going home. Ok?"

Olivia and Alex both nodded ok as Martin opened the door, stepping out of the SUV.

Alex and Olivia made their way in to the airport, unspoken, neither dared let go of the other's hand.

AOAOAOAOAO

They had arrived early evening in New York City. The plane ride was exhausting though Olivia and Alex both managed to get some sleep.

"So this is it? This is where we part ways?" Olivia said to Martin as they stood by the car waiting for to take Alex and Olivia home.

"For now, yes." Martin said, still polite as ever.

"I can't say I won't miss you."

"I might miss your stubbornness a bit." Martin said with a grin.

"I will never be able to thank you enough."

"You know there is no thanks necessary."

"You'll take care of yourself?"

"Isn't that my line to you?"

Olivia smiled as she leaned hugging Martin, giving him a quick kiss to the cheek.

Martin turned to Alex.

"Caroline?"

Alex hugged Martin.

"Thank you for everything."

Martin shook his head.

"We'll see each other again when Lucas goes to trial." He assured them as he helped them both in to the car.

Olivia nodded looking at Martin once again.

"Avoir," she said solemnly before he closed the door.

As Alex told the driver the address to her Upper East Side apartment Olivia settled in to the leather seat beside her.

She was no longer Samantha Gray.

She was now just Olivia Benson.

But not the same Olivia Benson.

Olivia leaned in snuggling against Alex, both taking in the sights of the city as they passed by.

Alex looked at Olivia giving her an assuring smile.

Both of their lives would be different.

Both left the city with feelings for each other.

Now, in a relationship, one that was sure to be tested in the days to come, they would find out how different their lives will be.

Olivia will try and heal, try and move on.

Move on with Alex.

And neither, with the good and bad will ever be the same.

Hello, hello, hello.


	26. Chapter 25

**Thank you guys so much for the reviews and the love! You guys are awesome!**

Ch.25

Olivia looked around Alex's apartment.

Everything was as she remembered it, sort of.

Alex was making her way around the apartment opening curtains, turning on lights, making the place come alive again.

As if she had done this before.

She had.

More than once.

"Can I do anything to help?" Olivia called out as she surveyed the pile of luggage still sitting by the door, but unsure of what to do with it, where it should go.

"No, do what you need to, make yourself at home!" Alex yelled from the other room.

Olivia knew Alex's apartment.

It wasn't a strange place. She had spent many nights on the couch gossiping over wine, or having dinner… she had even showered there after she and Alex had taken runs in Central Park…

It wasn't a strange place.

It was cozy, inviting.

Alex lived there.

So why did she feel so out of place?

She was the one that felt strange, not the apartment.

"Liv? Hello to Liv?"

"Hmm?" Olivia said breaking from her daze.

"Want to help me with suitcases and we can fight over closet space?"

"Yeah, ok." Olivia said and as if on autopilot going for the suitcase nearest to her.

"Honey?"

Olivia turned up to look at Alex.

"Yeah?"

"How about we forget the suitcases, lets do that tomorrow." Alex said trying to read Olivia's uneasiness.

"Oh sure, yeah."

Autopilot.

"How about we get something to eat? You hungry?"

"Yeah um… how about pizza?" Olivia said trying. "It's been a while since we've had a New York Pizza." Olivia then said giving an encouraging smile.

"You wanna go out? Or we could order in?" Alex offered.

"Do you mind if we stay in? I'm tired and…"

"Of course we can order in, let's get it from Gino's around the corner. Remember the one with the crust you like."

Olivia gave a smile shaking her head.

The crust she liked.

"That's sounds perfect."

"Ok I'll order pizza, you want to light some candles, maybe make it a little cozier and maybe it will start smelling like home again instead of a shut up apartment."

A task.

A task was good.

Something for Olivia to do.

Olivia could hear Alex ordering pizza from the kitchen she then heard Alex checking her voicemail.

"Alex, it's Ben. I've been trying to get in touch with you. You've just completely disappeared. I called your office and they just said you had gone out of town… I think you at least owe me a phone call so I'll at least know you're alive… maybe let me know what I did wrong for you to not take my calls…"

"Liv," Alex said seeing Olivia standing in the doorway of the kitchen.

"Sounds like you forgot to tell someone, you were leaving town."

"Well I didn't exactly get to tell anyone I was leaving town." Alex excused.

"Where you seeing him?" Olivia asked curiously.

"Seeing… no, no not really."

"It's not like you were cheating on me if you were with him."

Alex tapped her fingers rhythmically once on the counter before speaking.

"We weren't really dating, he was just company."

"Fucking." Olivia said bluntly.

Alex grinned. She couldn't help but grin at Olivia's bluntness. It was very Olivia.

"Yes fucking."

"And then you disappeared, you came running to Dublin to confess your love to me?" Olivia teased.

"Yeah, yeah it was something like that." Alex said rolling her eyes.

Olivia laughed.

Alex was glad she was laughing, maybe loosing up a bit, remembering where she was.

"Pizza is ordered."

"Candles are lit." Olivia confirmed.

"Glass of wine?"

"May put me to sleep, but yes please."

"I just so happen to have a place where you can sleep." Alex said grabbing a bottle of wine from the wine rack.

Alex opened the bottle and then poured them both a glass.

"Couch?" Alex asked taking Olivia's casted arm in to hers.

They both sat down, both letting out a moan that let them both know they were equally as tired and jetlagged from the flight.

Olivia looked around noticing the picture of her mother sitting on the bookshelf.

"Alex?"

"Yes baby?"

She so easily called her baby.

"You have my stuff out? The picture of my mother…"

"I hope you don't mind. When your things came to me, well they just made me feel close to you, maybe even like you were here if your things were around. We can re arrange or whatever, and I have your other things in my closet, our closet." Alex corrected. "I kept everything safe."

Olivia leaned in to Alex giving her a lingering kiss.

"Thank you. I mean that. It's really sweet that you wanted me around you like that."

"Not creepy?"

"Ha, a little creepy!" Olivia said smiling. "No, it just tells me that I'm where I'm supposed to be, that this is where I was supposed to come home to. Thank you for that."

"I'm glad you came home with me Liv."

Suddenly the doorbell rang startling Olivia.

She looked as if she jumped out and then back in to her skin.

"Honey it's ok, it's just the pizza guy."

"Yeah." Olivia said running her fingers through her hair, composing herself, her hands physically shaking.

"Honey?" Alex said her hand on her knee, comforting her.

"I'm ok… just a little more on edge than I thought. Go… the pizza." Olivia pushed.

Alex shook her head, then made her way to the door to get the pizza.

Alex handed Olivia the pizza then grabbed a plate and napkins.

She sat down beside Olivia on the couch watching her open the pizza box.

"You're starring at me." Olivia said without needing to look at Alex.

"I'm just watching you. I'm happy you're here with me. I would have never imagined you here with me, like this."

"Actually I've had pizza with you on your couch a hundred times…"

Instead of scolding Olivia for her smartass remark Alex pulled Olivia's face towards her and kissed her.

As Alex pulled away, Olivia leaned in to capture her lips again, in a more hungry kiss.

Kissing was the one thing Olivia felt she could do, wanted to do.

"I am happy to be here, I'm thankful to be here. There's nowhere else I want to be or to be with."

Alex smiled.

"Hand over the pizza." Alex said, trying to lighten the mood. "You know we should let everyone know we're back. I know they've been so worried about you and Casey I'm sure is out of her mind…"

"Yeah we should." Olivia agreed nonchalantly.

"This pizza is so good, I've forgotten how much I missed it!" Alex said then noticing Olivia had only taken a bite or two and picked at the rest. "So should we talk?"

"About?"

"I'm not sure. Being home? Us? You jumping out of your skin when the doorbell rang? You choose."

"Alex I'm just tired."

"Are you just tired?"

"Are we going to do this everyday?" Olivia asked defensively.

"Do what?"

"Do this? Ask about my feelings, wonder what I'm thinking, question everything?"

"Liv!"

Olivia stood up from the couch, leaving Alex behind.

"Oh no! You don't get to do that! You don't get to walk away from me. I don't know if you've forgotten who you're dealing with Olivia Benson, but you don't walk away from me, ESPECIALLY when the argument is about us."

"Is it about us? Because I feel like it's about me. You're fine, you're happy to be home. I'm the one that's a fucking mess, I'm the one you're handling like I'm going to break."

"Then why lie?" Alex said now standing only feet from Olivia. "Why lie Olivia? Why tell me you're ok? Why tell me you want to come home with me? You just fucking said there was no other place you'd rather be! Fuck you! How's that for treating you like you're going to break!"

Olivia looked away, blinking back the tears in her eyes.

She asked for it.

She knew Alex Cabot was her match.

She asked for it.

"Liv." Alex said composing herself. "I don't mean to treat you like you're helpless, or like you're going to fall apart. But I do mean it, with all of my being that I love you. And because I love you, I want to take care of you…"

"Alex I don't…"

"I want to take care of you the way I hope that you would take care of me!"

Tears fell from Olivia's eyes as she squeezed her eyes shut.

She would.

God, she would take care of Alex.

"I'm sorry." Olivia said her voice calm.

"I'm not."

Olivia looked at Alex.

"I won't apologize for taking care of you, for loving you. But you have to be honest with me when you're not ok, when you're out of sorts or a fucking mess as you called it. I told you I can handle that."

" But I don't know if I can handle it! I am happy to be here, to be home and God if I have to argue with anyone I'm so glad it's you. But nothing feels right. I feel so out of sorts, out of place…"

"Liv we just got home, give yourself time."

"I know, I know. I just… I just need…" Olivia wiped the tears from her face, composing herself. "I need to take a walk."

"Ok we'll walk."

"No, I mean I need to walk alone, to be alone, to think. I haven't been alone in weeks, I haven't been outside, walked around in weeks. I just need to walk."

Alex wouldn't baby her, she wouldn't treat her like she was delicate, breakable. Olivia was safe and in the city she knew like the back of her hand.

Olivia did know how to take care of herself.

"I'll be here when you get back."

Olivia shook her head.

"Thank you."

Alex watched her go.

Let her go.

AOAOAOAOA

It had been two hours.

Olivia had been gone for two hours and seven minutes, but who was counting?

Alex had paced, worried, scolded herself… scolded Olivia.

She gave in, deciding to go to bed and try and occupy herself with finishing the book she had been reading on the plane.

Her bed.

Her bed should have been calming and comforting, Olivia should have been there beside her, finally in bed beside her.

She lay there alone.

Two hours, seventeen minutes.

She heard the front door open.

Olivia now stood in the doorway to the bedroom.

"I'm sorry." Olivia said looking to Alex. "I'm sorry I flipped out, I'm sorry I seemed so unappreciated that you care about me, that you love me the way you do. I'm sorry I left." She said sincerely.

Alex nodded, "You clear your head? Figure anything out?"

"A few things maybe. I know I need to work on the honesty thing. Tell you, rely on you. I know you can handle this, and I need to tell you when I can't."

Olivia was biting at her bottom lip.

Alex pulled back covers to welcome Olivia in her bed.

Olivia began to undress down to her underwear.

She crawled in bed not bothering with pajamas, a t-shirt.

She hovered over Alex, pushing Alex's shirt up, kissing her stomach, burying her face in to her belly.

Alex held her.

Her hand at the back of Olivia's head, her fingers intertwined in the strands of her silky dark hair, the other at the base of her neck.

Olivia's skin was still cool from the night air, her mouth hot on Alex's skin.

Alex wouldn't tell her it would be ok, instead she let Olivia feel everything.

"I'm not ready to see anyone. It's ok to let them know we're here, but I can't see anyone right now."

Honesty.

Olivia would try honesty.

"Ok." Alex agreed.

"Do they know what happened to me?"

They.

"No, there's no way they can know."

Olivia shook her head.

"And they don't know about us. It's a lot to explain."

"Casey does."

Olivia looked up at Alex.

"Well she knew I was in love with you, because I was a rambling idiot about you, missing you, loving you. And I know she figured out that I went to be with you."

"Oh."

"I think Casey knew before I did."

Olivia settled in to Alex's arms.

Her bare breasts pressed in to Alex as Alex pulled the covers over them, warming Olivia.

"And you were right I didn't deal with Gareth's death. I cared for him, I had fallen in love with him despite who he was. When Martin told us he was dead… I just pushed it away."

"I know, I know." Alex said sympathetically.

"And I'll try my best not to tell you I'm ok when I'm not, but lately I think I'm trying to tell myself I'm ok to get through the day. Otherwise all I think about is being in that basement, about Lucas… about how much regret I have… and even everything I have to be thankful for. Surviving, being here with you."

Alex stroked Olivia's hair letting a moment of reflection pass them by.

"Can I be honest about something?" Alex said holding Olivia close.

"I would hope so."

"I think you need to go to therapy. I think you need to talk to someone, really talk."

Olivia leaned up, looking at Alex, her face serious.

"Maybe you could talk about things you're not ready to talk about with me."

Olivia swallowed hard.

"You're the only one who knows. I can't… I don't want to tell anyone else."

Alex tried to blink back her tears, her fear for Olivia."

"Just think about it ok? When you're ready…"

Olivia settled back in to Alex's arms.

"Ok," was all Olivia said.

They both eventually drifted off to sleep not sure of what tomorrow would bring.


	27. Chapter 26

Ch. 26

One week later.

A week of "taking a walk".

A week of waking up from nightmares.

A week of trying to be honest.

One week later.

Alex lay there beside Olivia.

Olivia tucked against her chest, her arms draped securely over Alex.

One week later this had become a sort of ritual.

They kissed, they touched, and sometimes they would talk…

But there was a calm, a safety they had learned lying there in each other's arms.

Alex played lazily with Olivia's hair. She ran her fingers up and down the top of her casted arm; down her side to her underwear clad hips.

Lazily.

Olivia would kiss Alex's neck, the lobe of her ear until Alex moaned, letting Olivia know she loved the way her lips felt on her.

Alex's hand had reached Olivia's hip once again and this time it lingered there, circling her hipbone, feeling the satin beneath her fingertips.

Olivia suddenly, but slowly crawled on top of Alex, straddling her.

Alex grinned as she settled both hands at Olivia's hips, looking up at her dark eyed beauty.

Olivia leaned down, and under Alex's t-shirt, drug her hands up her stomach to her bare breasts, her hard nipples.

Olivia went slow, reveling and everything she touched.

Olivia nudged Alex's t-shirt and bit more and Alex helped by pulling it over her head and tossing it to the floor.

"God, you are so sexy." Olivia said with a grin, as her fingers glided over Alex's breasts, her lips now ready to devour her.

Alex now moaned from the feel of Olivia's soft lips dragging across hers.

A passionate, unhurried kiss.

Olivia tugged at Alex's bottom lip.

"I want you." Olivia said, her voice low.

Alex was now biting her bottom lip in anticipation.

And she wanted Olivia.

Olivia got up now trying to hover over with one arm, her muscles straining to help her in to position.

She spread Alex's legs.

"Sit up a bit." Olivia suggested. "I want you to watch."

Jesus.

This was Olivia seductive, sexy…

Alex sat up, leaning against the pillows behind her, giving herself a full view of Olivia and what she was doing.

Fuck yes she would watch.

Purple lace.

Olivia sat back on her knees looking at Alex. Her naked body, her purple lace panties, her long legs spread apart for her.

"I want you so badly." Olivia repeated as if was not already tattooed on Alex's brain.

Olivia's fingers dipped under the waistband of her panties and out again.

Teasing.

God, she was teasing.

Olivia leaned in taking Alex's breast in to her mouth. Her tongue swirling around Alex's swollen pink nipples…

Olivia's mouth devoured them, giving them each attention. One in her mouth the other in her hand...

Alex moaned, her back arched to Olivia, her head tilted back.

Olivia pulled back to her knees again.

Alex sat up enough to run her hands up Olivia's thighs, admiring their contrasting skin in the moonlight.

Alex locked her hands at Olivia's t-shirt and quickly pulled it over her head.

"You're so beautiful." Alex said clearly looking Olivia up and down.

"That's my line." Olivia said with a grin. "And your body is perfect, so perfect." She said now leaning in to kiss Alex again.

This kiss started it all.

Olivia's mouth began to trail down Alex's body.

Alex wriggled under Olivia's mouth and Olivia grinned.

Olivia's fingers locked at the waist of Alex's panties.

She looked up at Alex and Alex pushed at Olivia's hand along with the lace material.

Olivia pulled the panties from Alex.

Though she had seen Alex naked, she had never… never from this angle. Never with her legs spread apart, glistening, never so ready for Olivia to touch and taste.

Olivia slid further down the bed.

She kissed Alex's inner thighs, sensually, slowly.

Alex tried to keep her eyes on the ones staring back at her but Olivia's mouth, Olivia's breasts, Olivia's hips… God.

Olivia ran her finger down the outside of Alex's folds, feeling the wetness that had seeped though.

Olivia then dipped her fingers in between.

Alex released an anticipated breath and moaned in satisfaction.

Olivia couldn't wait any longer. Her casted hand rested around Alex's thigh, her mouth settled in between Alex's legs.

Olivia parted Alex's lower lips and sunk her mouth on to Alex, her tongue looking for a rhythm against Alex's clit.

Alex's was so wet and Olivia wanted to taste every ounce of her.

Olivia wanted to feel Alex come against her mouth for the first time.

"Oh God baby," Alex said as she held the back of Olivia's head against her center.

Olivia's tongue unyielding.

"Please don't stop!" Alex panted, begging.

Olivia wouldn't dare, not until Alex's was satisfied.

Olivia felt Alex's body tense, she head Alex's breath hitch. "Oh God, Liv, baby… Liv!"

Alex quickly came.

Her body shuttering, her hands gripping the sheets…

Alex was trying to catch her breath as Olivia began to slowly kiss her way back up to beside Alex.

"Baby that was… where did you learn to do that?!" Alex said with a blissful giggle.

Olivia grinned against Alex's neck before finding Alex's lips again.

Soft kisses, turned in to more intense, hurried kisses.

Alex held Olivia's face in her hands, kissing her passionately.

Olivia pulled Alex against her.

Alex's hands moved further down.

Olivia's shoulders, Olivia's chest, her stomach.

Long thin fingers dragging down Olivia's skin.

They continued to kiss, lips only braking for another breath.

Alex climbed on top of Olivia, hovering over her.

"I love you." Alex said between kisses.

Olivia grinned, "love you," she said with another kiss.

Alex kissed down Olivia's body.

Alex kept a glance on Olivia… watching.

Olivia was with her.

But she would watch her, watch for pleasure… watch for her pain.

Alex's fingers grazing across Olivia's skin, lips on her breasts, tracing the muscles of her stomach.

"Baby… baby…" Alex cooed, kissing Olivia's lower abdomen.

Olivia's back arched towards Alex, her fingers buried in her blonde hair.

Wanting her.

Alex's careful watchful eyes.

She pulled Olivia's underwear slowly off of her hips, down her bronze thighs.

Alex's hands now rested at Olivia's knees and before she could part Olivia's legs, Olivia reached for Alex's hand intertwining her fingers. She tugged at Alex to come towards her.

Alex did and she didn't verbally question.

Alex now covered Olivia's body with her own.

Shielding.

Consoling.

Her lips now securely against Olivia's neck.

Olivia turned in to Alex, against her ear she whispered, "I can't".

The air thick, the room dark, now quiet.


	28. Chapter 27

Ch. 27

She was sitting at the counter in her underwear and Alex's t-shirt. Her legs and feet were bare. She had obviously thrown on anything she could find when he made her way out of bed.

Away from Alex's side.

Alex now watched her from behind.

The way her back curved, her shoulder's slump, the way her elbows rested on the counter.

She looked defeated.

"Morning," Alex said softly, unsure, and doubtful it was a good morning.

Olivia turned her head acknowledging Alex, but not saying anything.

Alex hoped she would wake up next to Olivia.

Despite the way last night ended.

Despite them both falling asleep in each other's arms, they both fell asleep devastated in each other's arms.

I can't, was all she said.

And they both fell asleep devastated.

Alex reached for Olivia, placing her hand at her back.

When Olivia didn't flinch, didn't push her away, Alex stood closer pressing her chin in to Olivia's shoulder, snaking her arms around her waist.

Olivia didn't protest the comfort.

She liked not being alone.

"I made coffee, but I think the coffee pot shut off. So it's probably getting cold…"

"That's ok… I can make more."

Alex finally got a look at Olivia's face.

She had obviously been crying.

Her eyes, red, weak.

"How long have you been up?"

"A while."

"Did you sleep?"

"I did a little… I watched you sleep, you're perfect even when you sleep." Olivia said intertwining her fingers with Alex's. "I got up, my shoulder was hurting."

She didn't lie, her shoulder had been hurting.

"Did you take something for the pain?"

"No, I forgot to."

And she liked the pain, it made her feel. It gave an actual ache to the way she felt on the inside.

"Is it still bothering you? Can I get you something?"

"Alex." Olivia protested.

"Liv." Alex said turning Olivia towards her. "I love you, and I take care of you remember?"

Olivia shook her head and Alex went for the cabinet for pain medicine.

Alex handed Olivia the pain medicine, "Water?"

"No, I have coffee left."

Alex turned to turn the coffee pot back on.

"Eggs? Toast?" Alex offered.

"Sure."

Alex grabbed a pan from the cabinet and the eggs from the fridge.

"I'll let you talk when you're ready." Alex said cracking the eggs in to the pan.

Olivia looked at Alex.

"What's to talk about really? We both already know what happened last night. We both know I did it again. We both know I can't let you get close, let you have sex with me because Lucas rapped me. Right? So what's to talk about?"

So matter of fact.

"We need to talk about how you feel. We need, you need to talk to someone that can help you get through this… we're not just going to ignore that it happened."

"I was fucked up enough, now look at me. Look what he's done to me. Full circle. A child of rape, gets raped… like it was meant to be."

"Olivia! Stop it! Never say that! Never say that again! Never think that again!" Alex yelled pushing the frying pan off the stove.

Alex spun around the counter grabbing Olivia before she could try and escape.

"Look at me!" Alex said, cupping Olivia's face in the palm of her hands. "Look at me. None of this is your fault! None of this was meant to happen! You just need time!"

"I don't want time! I want you!"

"Honey you have me."

"You keep saying that, but I don't. How long are you going to want to be with someone who can't let you be with them? How long will you put up with me pushing you away?

"Liv, baby you need help. You'll get through this and I'll be right beside you."

"You'll get tired of this."

"Liv, I want to make you feel the same way you made me feel last night. I had never felt so connected to anyone, I've never trusted anyone, loved anyone or felt loved the way you made me feel last night," Alex pleaded. "And yes I want to make you feel the way you made me feel, and not out of obligation, but because you're ready for me to love you, to touch you, to be with you."

"I wanted you to, last night I wanted you to…"

"I know you did."

"I ruined our night. I ruined it."

"You didn't ruin anything. You just weren't ready."

"I want to be ready. I just wanted you and I just wanted you to replace him on my skin, replace him inside of me with you. That's what I wanted! That's what I want."

"Olivia… I will replace him. I will in time. But until then, let me hold you, let me kiss you. He will fade and I will replace him."

"What if you can't?"

"I will." Alex said confidently. "I will because I love you."

Olivia reached for Alex, her face buried against Alex's shoulder.

Olivia cried unapologetically.

So did Alex.

Olivia now stood face to face with Alex.

Tear stained, sniffling, trying to breath, messy.

Olivia reached to wipe a tear rolling down Alex's cheek.

"I'll go to therapy ok."

Alex shook her head.

"And I'll be right here beside you ok." Alex said with a small assuring smile.

Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex and they held each tight.


	29. Chapter 28

**Urgh this chapter kicked my hiney! Sorry for the delay!**

Ch. 28

The therapist had waited patiently, took notes of Olivia's mannerisms, her silence.

"You know the purpose of you being here is to talk."

Olivia fidgeted a bit more.

She had wasted thirty minutes of her hour-long session in silence.

"Olivia?"

Olivia looked up at the woman sitting across from her.

"Sorry. I was just thinking."

"What are you thinking about?"

"Alex."

"Who is Alex?"

"My, my girlfriend, my best friend."

"And why are you thinking about Alex right now?"

"She wanted me to come here, she needed me to come here."

"What do you mean?"

Olivia took a deep breath.

"She knows what happen to me. She knows why I can't let her be intimate with me."

"Because you were kidnapped and raped."

"You know the facts too."

"And you think because both Alex and I know the facts there is no need to talk about it?"

"I've been to therapy before. I know how this works. I know I'm suppose to talk about it. I'm supposed to not let it all fester inside…"

"But you're doing that anyway?"

Olivia fidgeted again, her pointer fingernail scraping at her thumbnail.

Her nervous habit.

The therapist didn't know that was her nervous habit.

Alex did.

"I chose to go to Paris. I chose to leave my life here in New York. I chose to give away everything, change my name. I chose to sleep with, fuck fall in love with a stranger, a murderer, and a man who was getting women pregnant and then selling their babies on the black market. I chose to do that. In my pretend world I was untouchable, until the day I was grabbed off the street and taken in to an alley and had the shit beat out of me out of retaliation for something I didn't do. I woke up in a basement in Dublin where I was stripped of my clothes, and I waited to be raped and tortured again and again. That pretty much sums it up."

"You survived. That has to mean something."

Olivia looked at the therapist.

"Does it? Does it mean something?"

"What about Alex?"

"What about Alex? Olivia retorted.

"Were you with her before you left?"

"No."

"But you're with her now."

"Yes."

"Is your relationship new?"

"No, she's been my best friend for years, and we both had feeling for each other… She came to Dublin to be with me when I was taken to the hospital."

"So you care a great deal for her and she does for you?"

"I love her. I'm in love with her."

"Has she told you that she loves you?"

"She tries to tell me every chance she gets."

"So maybe you surviving, maybe it does mean something? Maybe you were meant to survive for Alex?"

"How poetic." Olivia said with a nervous breath.

"Maybe so, but still a possibility."

Olivia was fidgeting again.

Maybe she had survived for Alex.

"I'll let you go for today. How about you come back tomorrow, same time?"

Olivia nodded, agreeing.

AOAOAOAOAOAO

"Coming!" Alex said making her way to the door.

She peered through the peephole to see the familiar face waiting patiently in the hallway.

"Martin," Alex said surprised to see him. "Come in… Is everything ok?" Alex asked instantly worrying.

She gave him a quick welcoming hug.

"Everything is fine, but I need to speak with you and Samantha."

"Um… she's out. But she should be back any time now. I could call her and see if she's on her way home. "

"If you don't mind I can wait here."

"Yes of course, come sit." Alex offered motioning towards the living room.

"Can I get you something to drink?"

"No, no thank you, I'm fine." Martin said as he sat down.

"Caroline…"

"Alex."

Martin gave a gentle smile. "Yes, Alex."

He remembered their conversation in the elevator at the hospital.

She was not a he.

She was Alex.

"Martin, just tell me Lucas hasn't escaped or something crazy! I'm happy to see you but… " Alex said ready to jump out of her skin.

"Alex, no he hasn't, I promise."

Alex nodded calming down.

"How is she?"

She.

Olivia.

"Ok… She has good days and bad."

Martin nodded understanding.

"To be expected."

"Yes…" Alex said with a deep breath.

Before either could continue, they heard a key in the door.

Olivia came in and both Alex and Martin now stood, looking at her.

She looked at both of them.

"What's wrong? What happened?" Olivia said dropping her things by the door.

Martin looked at Alex and then back to Olivia.

"Everything's fine," Martin said walking towards Olivia, trying to calm her. "I wanted to tell you when you were both here, Alex forgive me for making you wait" Martin apologized then looking back to Olivia.

"Tell us what?" Olivia asked gripping her fist tightly.

"Lucas is dead."

"What?" Olivia said barely above a whisper.

"It seems an associate of Gareth's happened to be in the same prison Lucas was being held in."

Alex held her hand over her mouth.

She was shocked.

And relieved.

"How did it happen?" Alex asked.

"Stabbed. I was told he died quickly."

Alex reached out for Olivia, her hand gripping her arm.

"You ok?" She asked worried by the look on Olivia's face.

"Yeah I am. I mean he's dead. You're sure he's dead? She asked looking to Martin.

Martin shook his head. "I flew to Dublin, saw his body."

"Samantha?" Martin said looking for assurance.

"Olivia. My name is Olivia."

She wasn't Samantha anymore.

The corner of Martin's mouth turned up.

"Daniel… Daniel Martin."

Olivia gave a slight smile.

All of this time.

They now knew each other's first name.

"Martin, if you're not in a hurry, please come and sit, let me get us some coffee. I think I can speak for Olivia when I say we've missed you."

Martin gave a smile.

He had missed them.

"You guys go sit, catch up!" Alex prompted.

Alex turned back to Olivia, before making her way to the kitchen. "Everything go ok?" She asked quietly alluding to her therapy session.

Olivia shook her head giving an assuring smile, and Alex's hand a quick squeeze before walking with Martin to the living room.

"Olivia…" Martin said, her name rolling off his tongue. "Your name fits you."

"Does it?" Olivia smiled as she sat across from Martin on the couch.

"How are you?" Martin asked sincerely.

"Shitty, ok… great, getting by. I agreed to go to therapy. That's where I was this morning."

"I'm glad you did."

"So is Alex."

"You've been through a lot. She just wants what's best for you."

Olivia shook her head agreeing.

"So do you know who killed Lucas?" Olivia asked curiously.

"Do you remember Gareth ever mentioning a Frenchman by the name of Nicolas?"

Olivia looked at Martin.

"Nicolas? No."

"It seems to be quite the coincidence that this guy was brought in to a Dublin prison after Lucas."

"So you think there was a plan to kill Lucas in prison all along?"

"Not surprised if it was the plan. A little too coincidental."

"Are they looking in to this Nicolas guy's background?"

"The Dublin officials are handling it, but Gareth's people claimed Nicolas right away and took fault for the murder."

"Wow." Olivia said quietly.

Both turned their heads when Alex appeared in the living room.

Martin stood offering to help with the tray of coffee.

"Everything ok?" Alex asked.

"Yeah just talking about Lucas' death."

That wasn't a lie.

"It's nice to be back in New York." Martin said, obviously changing the conversation he and Olivia were having.

"How long are you here for?" Olivia asked following the change in conversation.

"Just the afternoon unfortunately. I know you both are glad to be back home."

"Well I think Olivia is still getting used to calling this home, but I'm so happy to have her here with me."

"I'm happy to be here and I'm getting spoiled here on the Upper East Side." Olivia joked as Alex shook her head, rolling her eyes.

Martin laughed as they continued to make small talk and catch up, never mentioning Lucas again.

After an hour they wished Martin well and said their goodbyes.

AOAOAOAOAO

Alex closed the door, and she was back to the living room with Olivia.

She watched Olivia busily gather the coffee cups and pick up the tray.

"Are you ok that Lucas is dead?"

"Why wouldn't I be? He's dead. What's there not to be ok about?" Olivia asked as she made her way in to the kitchen.

Alex followed.

"He won't pay for what he did to you."

Olivia was quiet for a moment as she put the dishes in to the sink.

"I feel better knowing he can't come after me, he can't hurt me anymore."

Alex studied Olivia, contemplating her answer as she shook her head.

"You know it's ok to be angry, sad… something."

"Alex." Olivia said turning her attention to her. "I'm not putting my emotional energy in to Lucas. I'm happy he's dead ok. I don't want to invest in him, think about him."

"That won't make him go away Liv."

"I know. But he's dead."

"So how was therapy?"

"Good."

"Good?"

"She wants me to come back tomorrow."

"Oh well I guess it's good…"

"She thinks I'm a basket case."

"Olivia, you're not a basket case."

"It took me half an hour before I said anything."

"That's ok. There's not protocol to what you should and shouldn't do in therapy."

"She said maybe I survived all of this for you."

"What?"

"I told her how much I loved you, that you came to Dublin for me…"

"You didn't survive for me, you survived for yourself."

Olivia bit her bottom lip, then turned back to the dishes.

"Olivia!"

Olivia stopped, her hands no longer rattling the cups in the sink.

"Baby, please." Alex said pulling Olivia away from the sink.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I put that on you."

"Put what on me? Saying that you love me that much? Honey, I love you THAT much, but I want you to have survived for you. I want to you to know you survived so you can be the Olivia Benson that I love, that everyone loves."

Olivia shook her head, hoping she believed that.

"How bout we go out for dinner? Maybe a movie?" Alex said, trying to change the mood.

"You asking me out on a date?"

Alex smiled.

"Yes I am."

Olivia grinned relieved at the change in subject.

"I'm going to get a quick shower and get ready."

"Ok, I think I'll change while you shower."

Alex gave Olivia a quick kiss before she disappeared in to the bedroom.

And Olivia still stood there thinking, thinking of Nicolas.


	30. Chapter 29

Ch. 29

Alex lay there, her eyes wide open.

She had been lying there long enough for the dark of night to turn to the light of day.

She didn't move, didn't stir, not wanting to interrupt Olivia's sleep.

Olivia lay beside her, sleeping soundly.

Sleeping soundly after a wrestles night.

Alex had tried to take deep but shallow breaths, tried to keep centered, keep her mind clear.

But she had a million thoughts.

The attorney in her, the stubbornness in her, wouldn't let it go.

She promised to be beside Olivia and she had no intention of doing anything different.

She loved her.

She trusted her.

But something didn't fit, something, yesterday, her reaction to Lucas's death.

At first Alex thought she was just trying to hide her emotions and that her emotion would eventually come.

Instead it came in her restlessness, her sleep.

She didn't cry, instead she repeated his name.

Not Lucas' name…

Olivia began to stir and Alex felt Olivia pull her closer; nuzzle her chin against Alex's shoulder.

Olivia opened her eyes to see Alex starring at the ceiling.

"Alex? Honey?"

Alex turned to look at Olivia.

"Who's Nicolas?" Alex said barely above a whisper.

"What?"

"You said the name Nicolas in your sleep."

Olivia sat up, supporting herself on her elbow.

"Martin told me he was the one who killed Lucas."

"You were dreaming about him?"

"I guess so, I went to sleep thinking about him."

"It was a pretty vivid dream."

"Yeah I guess. I don't really remember."

Alex shook her head, holding Olivia's casted arm against her.

"Hey… hey you ok?" Olivia asked still noticing how distant Alex seemed.

"Yeah, guess I'm just a little thrown off by yesterday."

"Honey of course yesterday should have thrown you off, that s not exactly normal news."

Thrown off.

Alex wanted ask why she didn't seem "thrown off" by the news of Lucas' death.

"I guess I just have unanswered questions."

Olivia laid back down, her head hitting the pillow, "He's dead, what more of an answer do you need than that?"

Now Olivia was starring at the ceiling.

Alex was biting her lip… she hadn't noticed the silence that had filled the room.

She finally let out the breath she was certain he was holding.

"What time is your therapy this morning?"

"9:00"

"I'll make us some breakfast." Alex said getting up.

"Alex?"

Alex now standing looked at Olivia who was now sitting up in bed.

"Liv… just let me make breakfast ok."

Before Olivia could say anything else, Alex had left the bedroom.

Olivia didn't follow her.

She knew Alex had questions.

Questions Olivia didn't want to give answers to.

AOAOAOAOAO

"So do you have anything you'd like to start out with this morning?" Olivia's therapist questioned.

"Well… the man who kidnapped and raped me is dead."

Olivia looked her therapist square in the eye waiting for her reaction.

"Oh… and how do you feel knowing he's dead?"

"Fine. I feel fine. I'm happy he's dead. I know I'm not suppose to say that but I worried everyday that he would escape prison, or that there would be some loophole and he would get out and that he would come back for me… So the fact that he's dead, I'm happy that he is."

"Olivia your feelings are valid. How did Alex feel about his death?"

"Shocked, she said she has questions… she wonders why I don't have some huge emotions about it… why I didn't react to the fact that he would never be punished for what he did to me."

"Why didn't you react? Doesn't it matter that he won't be punished for his crimes?"

"I hope he was scared. I hope everyday that he looked over his shoulder that way I have been… he got what was coming to him and he's dead. Not having to go back to Dublin, to go to trial, to see his face, to tell everyone what he did to me… I've endured enough. He got what was coming to him."

"Ok so you feel his death is justifiable punishment?"

"For me, for Gareth… and for God knows who else he's killed or tortured… I guess I'm wrong to feel that way."

"You can feel any way you like. This is about your healing, no one else's."

"I feel better that he's dead. This morning when I walked down the street, I knew he wasn't lurking around some corner…"

"Peace of mind means a lot."

"Yeah, it does."

"So do you think Alex will understand your reaction?"

"She will, I guess we just need to talk about it."

"That would be a good idea." The therapist said giving an assuring smile.

AOAOAOAOAOAO

Alex was sitting at the counter; her dark rimmed glasses perched on her nose, buried in the New York Times.

"Hi." Olivia said unsure of Alex's mood.

"Hi" Alex said, now folding the paper and discarding it on the counter.

"Do you want to talk about Lucas? His death I mean?" Olivia said standing behind her.

Alex turned around.

"You knew Nicolas?" Alex asked bluntly.

Olivia was silent.

"You did." Alex said now with a nervous laugh. "You knew him from Gareth?"

Olivia shook her head yes.

"How you keep this all bottled up? You show no real emotion about Lucas death, no emotions towards someone you know killing him…."

"I told you I was happy he was dead." Olivia said blankly. "And I… I know we need to talk about it, I need to explain why I'm not angry, or even sad that Lucas won't be punished for what he did to me."

"Ok maybe we should talk about it." Alex said not giving in.

"Alex, since the second Martin told us Lucas was dead a sense if peace came over me. I'm not looking over my shoulder, I'm not worrying that he will escape from prison and find us… For the first time, I don't feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin."

Alex shook her head understanding.

She did understand.

"Liv… I just, I don't know, I mean I completely understand what you're saying and honestly I agree, I felt a sense of relief when Martin told us he was dead, but there's something… you just took it so easily and I'm just afraid that you will breakdown and…"

"Alex." Olivia said interrupting her, as she closed her eyes to the silence in the room.

"Oh my God." Alex said suddenly. Oh my god… Olivia? You knew it was going to happen didn't you? You knew Lucas was going to be killed in prison?"

"Alex…"

Olivia had no come back, she had no lie sitting there, waiting.

At least no lie she wanted to tell Alex.

Alex ran her fingers through her hair and then looked at the dark eyes starring back at her.

"Olivia… did you have Lucas killed?


	31. Chapter 30

**Thanks guys so much for the awesome reviews!**

Ch. 30

"Olivia? Alex questioned now standing.

In her bare feet she stood eye to eye with Olivia.

Waiting.

Waiting for Olivia's response.

"You're not denying it, so if you're thinking of lying to me, make it a good one."

"I would never think of lying to you."

"So you didn't have Lucas killed?"

"No... I didn't have him killed."

"But?"

Olivia looked away.

Alex watched as Olivia's tongue swiped across her lips.

"God Olivia!"

Olivia looked sharply at Alex.

"I knew there was a hit on him." She confessed in one breath.

"Oh my God. Who? How did you know there was a hit on him?"

"Nicolas… he worked for Gareth. I spoke with him, he told me he was going to kill Lucas."

"You spoke to him! When?"

"A week ago." Olivia said shrugging her shoulders as if it wasn't important.

Alex took a step back from Olivia in disbelief.

"Alex." Olivia said pleading her name.

"Olivia I don't even know what to say… what, what are you thinking? What were you thinking?"

"What was I thinking? Alex, what have I not been thinking about in the last few weeks?"

"So you just decide to call this Nicolas? You say, 'oh by the way I'm not dead… and then he says, oh good well I'm going to kill Lucas.' You say what? 'Ok, great.'"

"Something like that." Olivia said not missing a beat.

"Do you know how dangerous that was to call him? And not to mention you knew he was going to kill Lucas! Have you lost your mind!?"

"I had to know. I had to know something, anything. I had to know he was locked away… that's why I called Nicolas."

"Was Martin's word not enough? I thought you trusted him."

"I do."

"But you had to call this Nicolas guy? Martin said he was behind bars, Martin wasn't going to let him get out, get near you again."

"Again," Olivia repeated.

"What?" Alex asked confused.

"Let him get near me again. Martin was with me in Paris when Lucas took me off the street. He wasn't there…"

Alex couldn't breathe.

Not one single breath.

"I take care of myself," Olivia said emotionless.

Tears fell down Alex's cheeks as Olivia stood there bold, unrelenting.

Not backing down from her decisions.

"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry this happen to you, I'm sorry you have to go through this. And I understand you wanting him dead, but to actually know that there was a hit on him. Olivia, I have to know you still have a conscious…"

"Maybe he took my conscious. It feels like he took everything else from me."

Alex clinched her eyes shut.

When she opened her eyes again she just looked at Olivia.

Looked at someone she wasn't sure she recognized.

"I know you're hurting, and I can't imagine the way you feel. But I just can't justify your thought process right now Olivia."

"Don't you feel safer?"

Alex's eyes widened.

"Liv," Alex breathed.

"Weren't you even a little relieved when Martin told us he was dead?"

"I won't lie, yes I did. But knowing now you knew about the hit, you knew what was going to happen… and you say you feel better that he's dead. It made you feel better, but you're not better! What happen to you still happened! Lucas being dead doesn't change what matters! It doesn't make you better!"

With no response from Olivia, Alex turned towards the bedroom.

She turned back taking another look at Olivia, "I just need some time to process this, to take it all in. I just don't know what to think right now. I'm not sure what to think about you right now."

Alex walked towards the bedroom and before she could disappear she heard Olivia's voice.

"I told you it would happen."

Alex stopped dead, turning to Olivia.

"You told me what would happen?"

"That you would tire of me, of my antics."

Alex looked away, and then back to Olivia.

"I love you," was Alex could say as she left her standing there alone.


	32. Chapter 31

Ch. 31

How can you beg for forgiveness when you don't regret what you've done?

It had been hours since Olivia had left the apartment.

Alex had barricaded herself in the bedroom and Olivia left the apartment to walk, to wander.

She wandered in to an unfamiliar corner bar.

She was drinking bourbon on the rocks.

"Are you drinking alone?"

He sat down beside Olivia, invited or not.

"Looks that way." Olivia said never taking her eyes from the bottles lined up on the shelf in front of her.

"That's a shame, a beautiful woman like you should never have to drink alone."

Olivia gave a smirk before she took another sip of her drink.

"Your name?"

Relentless.

He wasn't going away.

"Mark," he said.

Olivia finally turned to look him up and down.

She licked the bourbon off her bottom lip.

"Samantha."

The name rolled off her tongue.

"Nice to meet you Samantha."

Olivia didn't respond only held up her empty glass to the bartender.

"This ones on me." Mark said speaking up to the bartender.

"I don't need…" Olivia began to protest.

"Oh come on, let a guy buy you at least one drink Samantha."

"Suit yourself."

Both sat, both drank.

"What happened to your arm?"

Olivia looked down at her casted arm.

"I fell."

He continued to talk, she didn't.

She felt his hand on the small of her back.

"You want to get out of here?"

Olivia turned looking up at him.

"What makes you think I want to do that?"

"I can make you forget," he said cocky, sure of himself.

"And what do you think I am I trying to forget?"

"Does it matter?"

Olivia let out a breathy laugh shaking her head.

"Actually… it does matter… Mark, thanks, but no thanks."

"Got it," he said standing. "Take care Samantha."

"Yeah… you too." Olivia said never looking back at him.

"Can I get my tab? Olivia said now anxious to get out of there.

AOAOAOAOAOA

Alex was sitting on the couch when Olivia came in. She was curled up on the couch, her face stripped of makeup, her Knicks t-shirt threadbare.

"Long walk." She said watching Olivia as she came in.

Olivia didn't respond only sat down beside Alex on the couch.

"You've been drinking." Alex said as the smell of bourbon wafted towards her.

Olivia's head hit the back of the couch.

"Alex… can I just talk?"

"Sure."

Olivia lifted her head again, now starring out, across the room.

"I need to be honest and tell you I'm not the same person I was. My thought process isn't the same, and maybe you're right my conscious isn't the same. The last year changed me… maybe for the worse. And I can't expect you to love someone, to be in love with someone you don't feel like you know, that you can trust."

"Olivia what are you saying?" Alex said speaking up.

"I'm just saying you're not obligated to be with me. I came back a different person and I can't apologize for the way I feel. I know you can't understand why I called Nicolas. I know you question me because I knew he was going to kill Lucas. But I can't apologize for any of it. And I can't apologize for not being able to let it go, or to forgive what happen to me…"

"Liv, I don't expect you to forgive Lucas or forget what happened to you. I know it hurt's, I know you're hurting… but you're right I do question you because I don't know this you, the person who allowed someone to be murdered."

"He grabbed me off the street, he beat the shit out of me until I blacked out. He drugged me and took me to a basement in Dublin where he took my clothes, he left me without my underwear so he could have easy access to rape me. He raped me and continued to beat me until almost every square inch of my body was bruised, until my face was unrecognizable, until my wrist was broken, my shoulder was dislocated…"

"Olivia…" Alex said stopping her.

Olivia clinched her eyes shut as tears fell down her cheeks.

"Alex, you have to understand why I didn't care when I found out he was going to be murdered. And you know what else you should know… I thanked Nicolas. I thanked him. I was here, thousands of miles away from Lucas and I could feel him standing behind me, feel him on my skin, hear his voice… And when you touched me, when I wanted you to touch me… he was here with me. So I thanked Nicolas for killing him.

Tears fell down Alex's face, unrelenting as she watched Olivia cry.

"Tell me you understand." Olivia said finally looking over to Alex.

Alex reached for Olivia, swiping at her tear stained cheek.

"I understand. I promise I do. I just… it just scared me. You calling Nicolas, you knowing… I don't know that side of you and it scared me. I can't expect that you wouldn't be changed by what happen to you, by even who you've been pretending to be for the last year, it was ignorant of me to not think that it hadn't changed you. But I have to be able to trust you Liv. I have to know that when you leave the apartment you're not her… that you've left Samantha behind."

"I couldn't move on until I knew he couldn't come after me anymore." Olivia said quietly pleading.

Alex shook her head, as she cupped Olivia's face in the palm of her hand.

"He's dead… He can't hurt you anymore. And I can't condone your choices but, I understand. But you have to promise me you won't go back there, that you'll leave that life behind. I want a life with you and I love you so much…"

Olivia pulled Alex towards her, kissing her, holding her close to her.

"I'm sorry. I didn't tell you. I'm sorry I scared you. I love you and I never want to hurt you, if anything I do anything to protect you. I'm so sorry."

Alex crawled on top of Olivia, straddling her lap.

She kissed Olivia passionately.

"I want to do this."

"Do what?" Alex asked between kisses.

"My life with you."

Alex grinned, then kissing tugging at Olivia's lips.

"You know I'm." Alex said, holding Olivia's face in her hands.

Olivia smiled, her beautiful, familiar smile.

"All in."


	33. Chapter 32

Ch. 32

Olivia opened the door to the tall, suit-clad redhead.

"Casey!"

Casey immediately hugged Olivia.

"Come in!"

"I brought lattes."

"Ah thank you" Olivia said taking the offered cup.

"You look good." Casey said following Olivia in.

"Thanks…" Olivia said trying not to dismiss Casey's compliment.

If she had only known how much better she looked.

"I've missed you!"

"I've missed you. Sorry I've been a bit of a recluse since I've been back."

"Liv you don't have to apologize. You were gone a long time! You needed time to adjust back to normal life."

Casey had no idea about how she was adjusting and wasn't back to "normal" life.

"What happened to your arm?" Casey said studying the cast that ran down the length of her forearm.

"Oh just being clumsy… I hurt my wrist. I should only be in this cast a little longer." Olivia said brushing it off.

"So how are you with Alex going back to work this week?"

"You wouldn't happen to be checking up on me because Alex went back to work?" Olivia asked taking a sip of her coffee.

"No! Alex may have mentioned something, but I just took it as an invitation to get some time with you." Casey said letting out a laugh. "But I do know Alex is happy to go back to work."

"I think she was going to go stir crazy not working!"

"But she was also stir crazy when she wasn't with you."

Olivia gave a slight smile.

"Liv it was really sad!" Casey joked.

Olivia laughed.

"Casey, thank you for being there for her. And I think I owe you a bigger thank you for encouraging her to tell me she felt the same about me."

"Are you guys doing ok?"

"Yeah, we are. Being back has been a bit of an adjustment, and being here together is new, but we both feel the same about being with each other."

"Finally!" Casey grinned.

"Ha yes. It does kind of feel like finally!"

"I really am glad you two finally realized what you mean to each other…"

"I'm not sure if I could have gotten through any of this without her."

Casey looked at Olivia wondering what she meant.

"Can you even tell anyone where you were? I mean when Alex disappeared I figured she had gone to be with you."

"Um my last leg was in London…"

"London? Really?

"Alex stayed with me there while I was wrapping up my assignment."

She lied.

The only truth was Alex was with her in London.

No mention of Paris.

No mention of Dublin.

No rape, no torture.

No murder.

She lied.

But those were the rules.

"Well I'm sure she was a sight for sore eyes." Casey said understanding that was all Olivia could divulge.

"She was. I was happy to see a familiar face, but to see her face, it was sublime."

"I joke but she really was lost without you. I hope you two really have agreed to stop this running away from each other's lives."

"I think it took a lot for us to realize what it meant to have each other. I mean it feels right to tell her how I feel about her, how in love with her I am, it just feels right."

"I think your friends knew long before you did! I remember even not so perceptive Elliot asking was there something going on between the two of you."

"He did not!"

"Liv you and Alex have your own little language… and not to mention the sexual tension sears off of the both of you when you're around each other."

"Casey…"

"I'm just telling the truth!"

Olivia laughed.

"Case, it's incredible to be with her, and I am thankful every second she came to be with me and that she wants to be with me."

"Well you both are my best friends and you deserve to be happy."

"I want to make her happy."

"Good!" Casey said with a grin, getting up from the couch. "Ok I have to get back to the office, but I want to see you and Alex more now that you're back."

"Yes… maybe dinner next week?"

"Sounds good." Casey said hugging Olivia again before Olivia walked her to the front door.

"I'm really glad you came by."

"Hey me too! And I'll tell Alex you are just fine." Casey said with a chuckle.

"Ha yes, thanks."

Olivia closed the door in high spirits.

It was good to see Casey.

It felt normal to see her friend.

She hated she had to lie to her, but it was a part of the job.

It was also now a part of Olivia she didn't want anyone to know about.

What happened to her.

She would lie to her friends, Alex would keep her secret.

It was all as simple and as hard as that.

Olivia picked up her phone and texted a message to Alex.

"It was good to see Casey… I love you."


	34. Chapter 33

Ch. 33

"Honey it's ok I promise… I completely understand… No I'm fine… I'll have a glass of wine waiting on you… Love you too."

Olivia hung up the phone looking over the dinner she had made for she and Alex.

She sighed and then took her glass of wine and made her way to the couch.

Alex had been working late all week and tonight was no exception.

Olivia understood.

Of course she did.

And though she knew it had been a hard week for Alex, Olivia knew she was right in her element.

Olivia had hoped however, that she would get a break since it was Friday night.

Olivia had made dinner, planned an evening for the two of them.

But Olivia understood as she turned on the TV, and settled in waiting on Alex as she had promised.

Olivia had dosed off when she finally heard Alex come through the door.

"Hi baby." Alex said with a soft voice as Olivia looked up at her. "I'm sorry I'm so late."

Alex said reaching for a kiss.

"What time is it?"

"Around 10." Alex said pulling off her heels and suit jacket.

Olivia stood pulling Alex in to her arms for another welcoming kiss.

"Wait! Where's your cast?" Alex looked with surprise.

"I got it off today." Olivia said with a grin.

"Why didn't you tell me!?"

"I wanted to surprise you!"

Alex leaned in kissing Olivia's palm, down her wrist, her arm.

Olivia smiled at the feel of Alex's lips on her now bare flesh.

"I won't miss that cast and I know you won't either!"

"Definitely not!" Olivia agreed.2

"How about that glass of wine you promised me?"

"Ah yes," Olivia said stealing a quick kiss and Alex followed her to the kitchen.

Alex looked around seeing that Olivia had made dinner.

"Honey you didn't tell me you made dinner." Alex said disappointed.

"It's no big deal, you were working..."

"Baby I really am sorry, I hate I missed dinner."

"I was just waiting for it to cool and it is ready for the fridge." Olivia said handing Alex a glass of wine. "It's not a big deal we can eat it tomorrow maybe… I'm just happy you're home and I just want you to relax and forget about work for at least a little while."

"Coming home to you, I'm already relaxed." Alex said kissing Olivia, tugging at her bottom lip.

Alex pulled herself up on the counter as Olivia put dinner in the fridge.

"Your ass is amazing in those jeans." Alex commented.

She only heard Olivia laugh from behind the refrigerator door.

She loved to make Olivia laugh.

Olivia then made her way to Alex, placing her self between Alex's legs and then taking a sip from Alex's glass.

"I've missed you this week," Alex said as her fingers snaked through Olivia's belt loops, and pulling her closer.

"I might have missed you a little as well." Olivia said grinning.

Alex leaned in once again to kiss Olivia.

Olivia's hands ran up Alex's thighs, pushing the black pencil skirt further towards her hips.

Alex, holding Olivia's face at her jaw line, guidedg her tongue in and out of Olivia's mouth.

Passionate, persistent kisses.

Olivia tugged at Alex's shirt, un-tucking it from her skirt and unbuttoning it as fast as she could.

The shirt fell and Olivia's hands immediately went to Alex's soft skin.

Olivia could hear Alex's quiet moans.

"I have to get this skirt off of you." Olivia breathed, as she unhooked and pulled the zipper down.

Alex helped push the skirt off her hips and Olivia managed to get the skirt to the floor.

Alex pulled Olivia closer between her legs as she pulled Olivia's perfectly fitted t-shirt over her head and undid the button of her jeans.

Olivia then buried her face between Alex's lace covered breasts, dragging her tongue between the two mounds.

With her hand on Alex's hip, she began to tug at the waist of Alex's panties.

Alex made sure she stole another passionate kiss from Olivia before leaning back on the counter and lifting her hips for Olivia to take her panties off.

Olivia grinned, satisfied to see how wet Alex was without touching her lower lips.

Still without touching Alex, she spread her legs even further and then leaned in sliding her tongue along the outside of Alex's pussy.

Alex moaned louder followed by calling Olivia "baby" with a whimper.

Olivia reached under Alex gripping her ass, pulling her in to her mouth as her tongue sank down in between Alex's wet folds.

Alex back and neck arched at the sensations.

"Holy fuck!" was all Alex could say as Olivia found her rhythm against her clit.

Alex dug her hands in to Olivia's hair, twisting her fingers around her strands.

"Oh God baby I'm so close!" Alex said almost bucking against Olivia's face as Olivia worked relentlessly.

Olivia only gripped Alex's ass harder and moaned against her clit in approval.

This was throwing Alex over the edge and she could no longer control her breathing.

"Oh God… Oh God!" Alex screamed not caring if the neighbors heard as she came hard against Olivia's mouth and the kitchen counter top.

Olivia rose slowly kissing Alex's inner thighs as she let Alex catch her breath.

She watched as Alex's lace covered breasts rose and fell trying to steady herself.

"Baby that was… was so good." Alex said lazily as a breathy laugh seeped through her lips.

Olivia pulled Alex up, holding her against her.

They stayed there for a moment in each other's arms as Alex's hands stroked Olivia's back.

Alex then undid Olivia's bra, releasing her breasts, filling Alex's hands.

Olivia kissed Alex passionately once again, their fire far from extinguishing.

Olivia undid Alex's bra and pressed her breast in to hers as she continued to kiss her.

"Take me to bed," Olivia said her forehead resting against Alex's. "I want you to make love to me."

A soft smile appeared on Alex's face.

She kissed Olivia again before making her way off the counter.

"I love you." Alex said against Olivia's cheek.

"God, I love you." Olivia replied.

Alex took Olivia's hand, turning off the lights as they made their way to their bed.

Alex guided Olivia to the bed.

Olivia couldn't take her eyes off of the beautiful naked body in front of her.

Alex pushed Olivia's jeans to the floor as her mouth went instantly to Olivia's neck.

Alex led Olivia against the bed, and then Alex straddled her.

Olivia could feel Alex's wetness against her stomach and her own against her silk panties.

Olivia ran her hands down Alex's porcelain thighs.

Alex kissed Olivia's body, taking her time, reveling in the taste of her skin and making sure she was driving Olivia crazy.

Alex sat back on her knees, never taking her eyes from Olivia's as she drug her hands down Olivia's body.

"You're so beautiful." Alex whispered to Olivia.

Olivia gave a half grin, taking Alex's compliment.

"I want you." Alex said, her eyes never letting go of Olivia's.

Olivia shook her head yes giving the permission Alex wanted.

Alex grinned a sexy grin and leaned in and began to devour Olivia's breasts.

One in her mouth, one in her hand…

Olivia moaned in approval.

Alex began to kiss down Olivia's body.

Her eyes always finding Olivia's the further she went down.

Alex crawled between Olivia's legs.

She sat back on her heels, kissing the inside of Olivia's knees, midway down her inner thigh.

Then watching Olivia's face, Alex ran her fingers down the wet silk between Olivia's legs.

Alex watched as Olivia's lips parted in lust for her.

"I love you… I love you." Alex whispered then running her hands down Olivia's thighs, resting on her hips, her fingers beneath the waistband of Olivia's panties.

Alex could see Olivia was holding her breath and for a second Alex questioned was Olivia ready, could she do this.

"Liv, baby." Alex said looking to her.

Olivia then lifted her hips towards Alex.

Alex pulled Olivia wet panties from her body and quickly hovered over Olivia kissing her passionately, reassuringly.

She held Olivia's glassy gaze as she dipped her finger in between Olivia's slick folds.

Alex heard the deep breath Olivia let go.

"Let me taste you?"

It was question.

With Alex still exploring between her legs, Olivia kissed Alex letting her know she was ready.

Alex kissed down Olivia's body, making her way back between her legs.

Alex reached for Olivia's hand, intertwining her fingers with Olivia's.

Her assurance.

Olivia's assurance.

Alex slowly sank her mouth in to Olivia.

"Ah fuck," Olivia breathed.

Olivia held Alex's head against her and gripped her hand in hers.

Olivia's head tilted back, her mouth open.

She could feel Alex's tongue and soft lips against her clit.

She could breathe.

She could relish in every sensation.

Her thoughts were of Alex and being with her, and how much she loved her.

He wasn't there.

He wasn't there.

She was with Alex, her love.

Olivia's body trembled with pleasure.

Alex then rested her body flush against Olivia's.

Neither could help but feel emotional.

They held each other, kissed, both understanding that they were now connected in a way that they never had been.

Olivia smiled against the crook of Alex's neck.

She was with Alex, her love.


	35. Chapter 34

Ch. 34

Alex lifted her head from Olivia's shoulder. She had been lying there, her body spent against Olivia's after they had made love again.

When Alex could finally move, she slid to Olivia's side and curled in to her naked body.

Alex played with Olivia's fingers on her now un-casted hand.

"What do you want?" Alex asked in the moonlit room.

"What do you mean? I have what I want. I'm here with you."

Alex leaned up on her elbow, her bottom lip tucked between her teeth.

She ran the tips of her fingers slowly down Olivia's torso, circling each of her erect nipples before posing the question again.

"No, you have me already. What else do you want?"

"What do you want?" Olivia questioned.

"You!" Alex teased.

Olivia laughed.

"See the question isn't that easy!"

"Touché." Alex said grinning.

Olivia leaned in kissing Alex, tugging at her bottom lip before she let her go.

Alex's hand still wandered across Olivia's body.

"I just want to make you happy. You deserve to be happy. And anything you want, that you need, I want to make it come true." Alex said, her voice low.

Olivia looked at Alex. "Baby you do make me happy. So happy."

"I just love you so much, and we've had feelings for each other for so long, and time has passed us by. I don't want to waste another minute wishing for what we had with each other."

Olivia turned to Alex, now lying there face to face; she looked at her love, holding now Alex's hands against her chest.

"I've never felt like this. The times I thought I was in love it was nothing compared to the way I feel about you. I've never had anyone love me; make me feel the way you do. And I have to be honest part of me, most of me, doesn't know what to do with that. You flew to Ireland for me and you haven't left my side not one second."

"I sound a little obsessed with you." Alex joked.

Olivia grinned.

"What I'm saying is, is if this is what I get… if having you is all I'm meant to have, I'm satisfied. I'm happy, I'm happy with you."

Alex squeezed Olivia's hands as her eyes had welled up with tears.

"I just want to give you what no one else has."

"You have, baby you have." Olivia assured her.

"I want to be your family. You deserve a family."

"Alex, you are."

"No I mean I want to legally be a family."

"Alex what are you saying?" Olivia asked puzzled.

Alex could feel Olivia's heart pounding.

"I want you to be my wife."

"What?" Olivia questioned, stunned.

"You can think about it if you need to. You don't have to answer me now." Alex said with all seriousness. "I mean I don't even have you a ring, which is absolutely poor planning on my part, but I want you to know that I have every intention of spending the rest of my life with you. Loving you, protecting you, making sure that you're happy."

Olivia sat up pulling the sheet against her chest, leaving Alex lying there, watching her.

Alex didn't dare move as if she feared she would set off a panic in Olivia.

"I don't know… I don't know what to say."

Alex then sat up, ignoring her nakedness though chills splayed across her body.

"You don't have to say anything right now." Alex assured her. "But I asked you to be my wife because I have never loved anyone the way I love you and I know you feel that way too. And though we have only been together a short while, my heart has been with you for over a decade."

Olivia was crying.

She was trying desperately not to, but she couldn't stop the tears from falling from her eyes.

"Oh baby I didn't mean to upset you." Alex said looking worried, hating she had made Olivia cry.

"No, no you didn't. I just I don't know what to do. I know what I want; I know that I want you. I just don't know what to say…" Olivia said trying to wipe the tears from her eyes.

"Baby, I told you, you don't have to answer me now." Alex said reaching for Olivia.

Olivia sunk in to Alex's body, letting Alex now hold her tightly against her.

When Olivia pulled away, Alex's beautiful, deep blue eyes were shiny, glistening with tears.

"I'm sorry." Olivia said shaking her head.

Alex heart dropped.

"What are you sorry for?" Alex asked hesitantly.

"Why would you want someone who doesn't scream yes at the top of their lungs when you ask them to be your wife? Why would you want to be with someone who hesitates?"

Alex slid closer, locking her long legs around Olivia.

She held Olivia's face in the palms of her hands, swiping away stray tears.

"Because I don't think your hesitations are about me. I think that your past is what's holding you back. You're used to taking care of yourself and you said it earlier you're not sure what to do with how much I love you, the way I love you. So I can give you time to think about spending the rest of your life with me, because I'm not going anywhere. And when you are ready to say yes, it will be because you realized my love for you eases all of your hesitations and makes you forget your past.

Now Olivia was sobbing.

Alex held her.

The sheets puddle around them, their naked bodies pressed tightly in to each other's.

Alex held her.

Olivia had to realize Alex's love would make her forget her past.


	36. Chapter 35

Well guys we're at the end of this little story. I can't thank you enough for the reviews and follows you posted throughout the story! You make writing so much fun! I look forward to writing something new soon and hope you all will be there to read! Thank you again! - M

Ch.35

It was always beautiful this time of year in New York.

The leaves falling, the cool air a relief from the summer heat in the city.

Olivia and Alex walked arm in arm in Central Park.

Runners, kids playing, people enjoying their Saturday in the fall sun.

It had been almost a year since Alex flew to Dublin to be with Olivia.

It had been almost a year they had been side by side.

Good times and really bad times.

"_**I have to be honest when they said someone was coming to be with Kate, I thought it would be the man she spoke of so fondly."**_

"_**A man?" Alex asked inquisitively.**_

"_**Yes, she mentioned his name was Alex."**_

_**Alex's expression changed as she smiled widened as she looked straight ahead and away from Martin.**_

"_**Oh, oh you're… you're a woman." Alex looked back at him. "I mean obviously you're a woman, I apologize for the assumption that you..."**_

_**Alex smiled again.**_

"_**It's a common mistake I get it all the time… and I'm glad to hear she spoke fondly of me."**_

"_**She mentioned that she was in love with you." Martin said as he watched as the grin on Alex's face fade.**_

"_**Did I say something wrong?"**_

"_**No, no I'm actually in love with her as well. I've just never had the chance to tell her."**_

"What are you grinning about?" Olivia asked.

"I was just thinking about meeting Martin for the first time."

"Martin? What made you think of Martin?"

"It's been almost a year since I flew to be with you in Dublin."

"Oh, I guess it has. So what's the smile about?"

"When I met Martin he thought I was a man?"

Olivia stopped walking, looking at Alex puzzled.

"Ok, how in the world would Martin mistake you for a man?" Olivia asked laughing.

Alex laughed.

"He told me you had mentioned being in love with someone named Alex."

"Ahhh. You quickly corrected him?"

"He was embarrassed."

"What did you say to him?"

"I told him with a name like Alex it was a common mistake, and that I was in love with you too.

Olivia smiled as they began to walk the path again.

"So Martin knew your name was Alex the whole time?"

"Yeah he did."

"I hope he's doing well."

"Me too." Alex said seriously as she pulled Olivia a little closer.

"_**My name is Caroline Hutton," Alex said emotionless, "you're new alias is Kate Taylor."**_

"_**Why do you want to be here with me? Why would you do this to yourself? To your life?"**_

"_**Because I got your letter." Alex said giving Olivia a shy smile.**_

"_**Alex." Olivia began to protest.**_

_**Alex leaned down to Olivia placing a soft kiss to her lips.**_

_**Olivia went to open her mouth to speak, but Alex quickly quieted her.**_

"_**Liv, I've wanted you too for a long time, I've been in love with you for an incredibly long time. I've denied it, ignored it, hell I've run from it. But after your letter, I promised myself I wouldn't miss another chance when you came back." Alex said caressing Olivia's cheek. "I just had to get you back, to tell you I felt the same."**_

_**Olivia gave Alex a soft smile.**_

"_**So you came for me?"**_

"_**As soon as I could."**_

"_**I don't want you getting hurt or something to happen to you, or for you to regret coming here."**_

"_**I've regretted too much already. Being here with you is the best decision I've ever made."**_

"When I woke up in the hospital and I saw your face… seeing you there beside me, I was so happy and I was so scared to see you. I couldn't believe you were there for me."

"I was going to fight tooth and nail to get to you. The CIA probably figured it was less painful to just let be with you." Alex teased.

"You a relentless pain in someone's ass?" Olivia laughed.

"I know right! Me never!"

"Thank you."

"For?"

"For being a relentless pain in the ass."

"Ha, no problem." Alex said rolling her eyes.

"If you hadn't been, where would I be right now?"

"I hope that you would have come back to New York, come back to me."

Olivia was silent for a moment.

"I'm not sure I would have survived if you hadn't come for me."

This time Alex stopped them from walking, looking at Olivia.

"Liv, yes you would have. You would have survived." Alex said adamantly.

Olivia shook her head trying to agree with Alex.

"I'm just grateful to you everyday for coming to Dublin for me, for never leaving my side.

Alex smiled, "now look at you, you're stuck with me!"

"Happily," Olivia said leaning for a quick kiss to Alex's cheek.

They stopped grabbing a pretzel, sitting on a bench.

"What do you think about the ocean?" Olivia asked, pulling the pretzel apart to share with Alex.

"I like the ocean. You thinking about a vacation?"

"It seems nice, serene. I was thinking we could get married on a beach somewhere."

Alex stopped mid chew, trying her best not to choke.

"Married?"

"I know it's been a while since you asked me, but I was hoping your offer still stands."

Alex grinned.

"Of course my offer still stands." Alex said. "What made you change your mind?"

"I think I needed time to assure myself that I'm the person you think I am. Assure myself that I could give you everything you need, everything to make you happy... Maybe I just needed time to make sure I wouldn't do something stupid like freak out and try and break your heart… "

"Liv…" Alex said now holding her hand in hers.

"I thought it would happen, I thought I would push you away. I thought that you would give up on me. " Olivia took a deep breath. "But you didn't. I know there were days in the last year you were frustrated with me, tired of… maybe everything… But when you asked me to marry you, you said you love me and wanted to protect me, and make me happy. And then you said you would wait for my decision because you hoped that your love would take away my hesitations. At that moment, I never thought I could be in love with you more, but I was afraid…"

"You know I would have given you forever as long as I was with you."

"You don't deserve that. And you know what? I don't deserve that. You were right we've wanted each other for so long and we shouldn't waste time when we know what we want. I just had to get over being afraid."

"So you're FINALLY saying yes you'll marry me?" Alex grinned.

"Yes I would love nothing more in the world more than to marry you."

Alex grinned as she kissed Olivia.

Alex pulled away the grin gone from her face.

"Honey what is it?"

"I still haven't bought you a ring."

Olivia laughed.

"It's not funny!"

"Well, I bought you one."

"Olivia… what?"

Olivia reached in to her jeans pocket.

"It's been in your pocket the whole time?"

"That's why I couldn't leave it in the box! Because you can't keep your hands off me!" Olivia joked.

"Well that's true!" Alex laughed.

Olivia pulled the ring from her pocket, holding it up to Alex.

Alex's hand covered her mouth as she looked at the sparkling diamond.

"Without hesitation and as sure as I've ever been, I promise to be by your side forever, and I will do everything possible to make you happy." Olivia said wiping the tears that had escaped her eyes. "Alexandra Cabot will you be my wife?"

Alex shook her, "Yes baby, I will absolutely be your wife."

THE END


End file.
